It's no wonder I don't date

I went on a blind date once. I understand why this is the worst thing anyone can hear. You know what I mean. The phrase, "I know someone who would be good for you." That's not fun. I hate it when people play matchmaker. I don't want to be paired up with someone a friend thinks "would be good" for me. What does that mean?

I was in high school when my best friend, Liese (pronounced Lisa), decided it was time to set me up with one of her boyfriend's friends. This was a guy she had never even met and that may have been the first mistake. The other might have been the fact I was almost seeing someone else. I do not know what convinced me to say yes to the evening, but I did.

It was January, 1996 in Minnesota. It was freezing cold outside and oh, so romantic. The evening before had sported one of the worst storms I've seen in a winter. It didn't snow. Oh, no. It rained. And rained. What happens to rain when it's cold? The rain turned to ice instantly when it hit the ground (and every other object). I was working part time at a local retail shop at the time. The ice came down so quickly that when I was sent home after a 1/2 hour of working, I needed a full can of De-Icer just to get into the car. The ground was covered quickly with a layer of ice and the trees all glistened the next day. The views were quite beautiful, just dangerous and hard to maneuver in.

So, understanding what a fun driving experience it would be, I said yes when Liese decided to set me up with this guy.

Liese was dating Kevin and his good friend's name I'm changing to protect the guilty. Let's call him Bobby Ray. It just seems fitting.

The idea was to go on a double date. Liese and Kevin were coming along. To add to the excitement, our other friend, Renee, was going to come with her boyfriend, Scott. Scott was a friend of mine and his best friend, Adam, was a great friend of mine. Adam also tagged along. That's right, 7 people on a double date. 7 people and I was the only one with a license. Keep in mind, I also drove an '87 Chevy Nova. This car would seat 2 people comfortably. If you had two smaller (for example, children under 5) individuals, the backseat could fit a couple more. All 7 of us were in one car. It was time to get friendly.

I picked up Liese (two blocks from my place) and then went to get Scott and Adam (2 blocks from Liese's). Hindsight being 20/20, I should have stopped there. But no, I'm the perpetually nice one and I follow through with my word to Liese to try and enjoy the evening. It made the most sense to pick up Renee next, which meant heading north on the ice for a drive that normally took 15 minutes. After a half hour, we had Renee. Scott and Adam were the skinny little guys and they shared the front seat. (You know, the more I think about that time of my life, those two would have probably ended up as lovers if they were about 5 years older.) We then headed south past my home to Saint Anthony, Minnesota, which should have been a 25 minute drive. It took an hour. Having fun yet? I wasn't.

We picked up Kevin and then Bobby Ray. I did try to keep an open mind about this date, but I'll be honest. My heart did not flutter when we picked him up. I thought, 'Okay, I'll see what his personality is like.' Why, oh why, did I bother?

What do high school students do for a fun-filled, wholesome evening? They decide to go to a local restaurant and order appetizers and split the bill. This is known as the cheap date. We decided to go to a local restaurant for some food (aka appetizers) and on the way there, my car got a little stuck on the ice. Remember the ice? I do. Clearly. I'm in a car with 4 boys and my car gets stuck. What do they all do? Sit there, on their butts. Bobby Ray decides to open his mouth with some wonderfully witty comment, like, "Ha ha. Oh man, we're stuck. Hee hee." My response, as nicely and sugary as I could say through gritted teeth, "Then get out and push." At that moment, I rocked the car free of the ice and we were back on our way.

Remember the stupid games you play as a kid? Like Truth or Dare. Now, I understand this is a 'risky' game to play but it never worked out like that with our group. We actually had a rule with our version of the game to keep it fair. You could not ask someone something that you weren't willing to answer yourself. The dares picked were always lame (yes, I use the word lame) because we did it more to get to know each other better. The answers always stayed 'in the car' and I think one of the best dares ever involved Scott howling at the moon. As I said, lame.

So we decided to play Truth or Dare. As we are playing, Liese and Kevin are holding their usual session of necking in the backseat. What does this wonderful 'date' of mine do? He wants to watch so he pulls out a miner's flashlight (you know, the ones that strap to your forehead) and turns it on so he can watch them.

What type of person carries a miner's flashlight in their jacket pocket? I need an answer to this question. This is not like having a pen in your pocket. I know the Boy Scouts' motto is to 'Be Prepared' but this is ridiculous.

As Bobby Ray is watching them make out, someone dares him to kiss me. It might have been Renee or Scott. Is it a wonder why our friendships have faded over the years? He looks at me, trying to strut his stuff as much as you can from the passenger seat of a Chevy Nova, and says, "I'm game."

Oh baby, oh baby, oh.

I politely make up a lie, "I don't kiss on the first date." Totally not true. I've never had an objection to a small kiss on the first date. Not like I've ever really had a relationship that started with a first date. Most of the relationships I've had, I've known the guy for at least a year before we even go out. This might also be a slight problem in my dating life. But back to the date.

I got out of kissing Bobby Ray. Thank you God. I mean that.

At this point, we pull up to the local restaurant. Since there are 7 of us, we get two tables pushed together in the middle of the place. Here is the seating arrangement:

Kevin Liese Bobby Ray

Renee Scott Myself Adam

This was so I could be forced to stare at Bobby Ray throughout our meal. I say forced because I did not want to stare at Bobby Ray. By the time we reached the restaurant and had sat down, I knew I was not interested in Bobby Ray and so pleased that Adam had tagged along.

We ordered our appetizer samplers (also, this is easy for girls to not eat as much, since they can just nibble from the tray). Bobby Ray showed his class and style by telling witty stories throughout the meal. Such gems are hard to forget. I heard every single penis joke I had heard from second grade through fifth grade. Wow. My heart was a flutter. Oh, how could I pass up this lovely, sophisticated man?

Bobby Ray also decided that dinner was the perfect time to start making fun of Adam. That's right. He started ripping on one of my best friends and the boy I was ecstatic was there to save me from this torture. A word of advice to any man wanting my heart: Making fun of those I love the first night you met them or me is not a good idea. I'm pretty loyal to my friends. So we sat during dinner, Liese, Kevin, Scott, and Renee all at their end of the table missing the comic gems from Bobby Ray, Adam and I lowering our opinions of this boy every time he opened his mouth.

Finally, finally, it was time to pay the bill. The seven of us arose from the table and headed to the register. As we were paying, Bobby Ray found it socially acceptable to have his hands creep up from behind and start fondling Renee's chest. That's right. He started groping her. I'll admit, Renee had a good rack for a teenager, but come on. She actually shrieked. Scott was pretty pissed off by this point and we quickly ushered everyone into the car.

Don't ask why we didn't drop this loser off right then and there. The only thing I can think of is that Liese and Kevin wanted to give the night another chance. The seven of us headed up to Renee's house, since she had the earliest curfew. When we got there, it was decided to watch a movie.

What movie is perfect for a romantic evening? What could possibly make the night better and better? I'll tell you.

Stephen King's TV mini series, "IT." That's right. We watched a cheesy horror movie that did the book absolutely no justice what-so-ever.

Liese and Kevin found a spot on the floor to cuddle. Renee sat down next to her mom on the couch. Scott and Adam also headed for the couch while Bobby Ray found the only available chair. I stood there, wondering where to go. I knew for a fact I wanted to be away from Bobby Ray. Can you blame me? Do you think I was not giving him the proper chance? Is it wrong of me to pass judgment based on the miner's light, the penis jokes, the insulting of my great friend, and the groping of my other friend? Maybe it was.

Back to the fact I'm looking for a place to sit and watch the movie. Bobby Ray slides over and says, like one of those oily, sleazy men in a bar as they stare at your tits, "You could sit on my lap." His eyes drop a little and a sly little grin shows up on his face. Just thinking about it to this day makes me want to vomit.

Adam pipes up at this moment, and believe me, my adoration for him increased tenfold. "Hey, Scott, Renee, slide over. Beth, you could join us here." Thank you Jesus! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! The trumpets sounded and my heart wanted to leap from my chest. It doesn't seem like much, but I was so grateful for this simple act.

We watched half of the movie before we realized Scott and Adam should be getting home soon. It was time to head south again. Here's the adventure for the evening.

Remember the ice? How could you forget. I'm driving south on the highway, going about 50 miles an hour (the limit was 55, but I slowed down for the ice). A red light is coming up so I gently pressed the brake pedal. I didn't swerve. I didn't lock up my brakes. No, what happened is that my car stalled, still going 45 miles an hour. The light ahead is still red, I have 5 additional people (without me) in the car, no brakes, and cars are crossing the highway for their green light.

In one liquid motion, I put my left foot on the clutch, my right foot started pumping the brakes, I swiveled the steering wheel, and pulled the emergency brake. The Nova spun 270 degrees and came to a stop. We stopped in plenty of time for the light and no other cars were near us on the road. We were safe.

Liese and Kevin sat in an oblivious state in the back seat. I think they'd been smooching again. Probably. The looks on Scott and Adam's faces were remarkable. There was a slight bit of stun and a look of awe. I think they enjoyed it. Bobby Ray picked this moment to turn in his seat, look me in the eyes, and arrogantly say, "Way to go . . . Babe."

Now, my knuckles did not turn white from the adventure with the car. They now gripped the steering wheel because every bit of my being was holding them there so I wouldn't deck this guy. I hate, I hate, I HATE, pet names. If I know someone for a long time, I could handle maybe a couple of minor pet names, but there are an immediate pet peeve. There is only one that I can put up with because it is what my mom calls me. Babe is not it.

As daggers formed in my eyes, I glared at him. You know the look. Vivian Leigh had it best in Gone with the Wind. It's the look that says, "I want you to be wiped from existence."

I turned to Scott and Adam, my look softening greatly as I turned, and said, "Is it okay for us to drop Kevin and this guy off first?"

They both agreed and thankfully the rest of the night went off without a hitch. Scott got into a little trouble for curfew (I'm so sorry, to this day I'm sorry) and Adam got into a little trouble (for something completely unrelated to curfew. He'd been experimenting with hairspray and a lighter on the kitchen counter before I picked him up). Everything else was pretty much okay. I figured this guy was out of my life forever.

To explain how much I disliked this individual, here is a phone conversation the next day.

Ring, ring:

Me: Hello.

Guy: Beth? Hey, how's it going?

Me: Fine. Oh God, why, why, why? (Okay, the italics are what I was thinking. The tone came out the same.)

Guy: What are you doing?

Me: Cleaning my room.

Guy: Are you really busy?

Me: Yes.

Guy: Oh. What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I'm in a bowling tournament. (Did I ever mention that I was a huge bowler in high school. I used to bowl 6 days a week.)

Guy: Really?! What one? (Smile in his voice.)

Me: It's a parent/child tournament.

Guy: Maybe I could join too!

Me: No, you can't.

Guy: Why not? (Confusion sets in.)

Me: I'm pretty sure you have to be on a league.

Guy: Yeah. I am.

Me: Oh yeah? What league are you on?

Guy: I'm on your team.

Long pause.

Me: John?

Guy: Yes.

Me: Oh, I'm so sorry! I thought you were Bobby Ray! Thank goodness. How's it going? (Hear the smile in my voice now.)

John: Man, I was really trying to figure out what I did.

The conversation kept on, but you get the point. I was rude, curt, and trying to get one of my great friends off the phone because of this guy. I ended up seeing the guy a few years later at something and ran the other way. The one blind date I ever went on turned out horribly and this is why I cringe every time someone says, "I know someone who would be great for you."

3 Comments:

At 10:36 AM, CarpeDM said...

I know someone who would be good for you. The scariest words in the world.

Brooksba, I loved this. Even though you had just told me this story the other day, I loved re-reading it and getting the whole effect of the car description, Bobby Ray in all of his oafishness, it was so much fun.

Kudos to you. Babe (Don't kill me. I'm just kidding).

At 4:57 PM, Matt said...

Little Sister-(that is an ok name isn't it? I would hate to have a blog written about me on that-just kidding) I loved this blog. You are incredible, and yes those words are even scary for men to hear as well. Of course, I think that's true, because well I would have to be aman to know that wouldn't I? I will talk to you later, take care Little Sister. Remember, the right guy had better pass the Big Brother test, because if he doesn't I would hate to see what Scott would do to him.
Matt

At 5:13 PM, Chiraag said...

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