Monday, April 09, 2007

For a Title, I'd Like to Quote Lyrics to a Song in the Easter Karaoke Fashion, But Tact Prevents Me

Solo tonight, I headed to the Chalet and arrived just as my watch signalled 9:30 PM. The infamous DM is MIA, claiming the sickness has won tonight. In telling Bryan, our minister and leader at this church of song, that she had to leave a wedding early on Saturday due to this illness, he is surprised by the notion. "I never remember that you can just leave." But then the thought of an "Uncle Joey" sampling an open (or cash) bar always keeps him present for the after festivities.

With this holiday (Easter) being an early morning event, the size of the crowd tonight will be a wild card. I hope the Angie Ang & Amy group shows up and it would be nice to visit with Jason & his crew. James is back in town so he should be up with Liz towards the end of the night. An absence of a certain phony Scottsman would be appreciated. Unlikey, but hey, a girl can wish.

Last year, we had an Easter karaoke worthy of our eternal destinations. Much enjoyment can be found in replacing each "baby" as "Jesus" in the songs. Some songs end up with a good Christian connotation; some do not.

Amy text messaged me to let me know she will not be up tonight. I hoped for Angie and Amy to be there, especially since Angie was part of the "celebration" last year and mentioned this upcoming Sunday last week, but no such luck.

There are two doors to enter the Chalet, one on each end of the bar leading from the parking lot. Both entrances are actually two doors. The entrance by the karaoke machine is close to airtight so when someone opens the outer door, the inner door moves slightly. This signal a new patron entering and is my secret to my "psychic" abilities. I am noticing that each time someone enters tonight, I am afraid it will be Craig and that I'll be stuckalone with him. This is not good. I do not like the feeling of worry I get over the fact I will most likely be stuck talking to him alone.

There is a post I have been postponing to write about this problem. File it under "unwanted advances." I suppose this post will be the one where I explain this problem. The issue is an overly friendly and obvious obnoxious man who is too closely intermingled in my circle of friends. I do not want to be rude tohim because he is a friend of a friend, but it comes down to the fact he creeps me out. He always tries to sit next to me, his mood turns sour when another man (interesting or not) sits by me, and feels the need to wear enough cologne to cause a medium sized community run for gas masks. His most recent attempt at flirting has been to introduce baby talk into his fake accent. "Gooseys" is not impressive. And there have been few in my life who have gotten away with their lives after calling me, "Bethy." My godmother is allowed that pet name; not him. It is a simple way to aggrevate me instantly. The metal baton and consistent 'I hate the bloody world' attitude he carries are also turn-offs. And forcing me to listen to an obscene song about a woman demanding oral sex is not going to make me want to go near you (or your Listerine infested crotch (side note: James and Dean shared a story about Craig's attempt at dating that involved washing himself in a certain area in the hopes of getting some action on a first date. This is also not a turn-on.)) Telling me that when "I take you out to dinner" (NEVER happening) that you'll bring me to a vegetarian establishment and we'll share tofu (I'm a carnivore ID-10-T) does not increase your chances.

I've been tempted to say to him, "Very few people are allowed in my bubble. You're not on the list and you never will be."

Bryan has not decided what our church is yet this year but has told me the disappearance of honey bees is the sign to prove we're right in our beliefs. It is good to be friends with such a creative and humorous man.

Andrew has arrived, receiving hoots and hollars of "I love you!" from the bar patrons (okay, mostly Donnie). Andrew is a fixture at the Chalet. He tends to follow Bryan around and they create mischief. They are the reason pick up baseball games are commonly held in the bar.

While trying to kil time on this slow Easter karaoke Sunday, I turn back in my notebook for random notes of unpublished posts. I bring you some of these now. Well, those that are Chalet related.

In January, I was practically mauled in the bathroom by a woman too highly hopped up on Woman's Lib. While I am an advocate for equality between the sexes, I ould choose another avenue to express this value. Yelling in pride at another woman that you don't know in a public restroom, "We just need a voice! We are women! We need toilet paper!!!" seems a bit extreme.

From sometime in February, I have this written in the notebook: Only at the Chalet can you observe an obnoxious, intoxicated woman screaming, "I need balls!" while trying to master the art of juggling, using her words and not mine, "weiners."

A conversation between DM and I while playing Trivial Pursuit in March:
B: What dictatorship was the only South American nation to support the British in its war over the Falkland Islands?
D: Iraq
B: What South American nation...
D: Oh! China?
B: [pause] [groan]
D: Chile?
B: Now you got it.

Ten thirty has arrived and Bryan has started a rotation. A guy just sang a great rendition of "The Lady is a Tramp," and now DM's fan is singing, "Love Me Tender." I lke the mood being established.

Okay, back to my notes. Speaking of fans of DM, a few weeks ago we met Tommy. Describing Tommy is important. Bryan allowd a cross between a pirate, Freddy Krueger, the Wicked Witch of the West, and David Bowie from the "China Girl" video. Aptly put.

DM was wearing her purple top that sparkles. It was a beacon for Tommy. He was inspired by her blouse to sing a song, or in better words, croon some Andy Williams while gazing at DM. He told her, while grabbing a seat next to her, "I love your shirt, your beautiful shirt. Did you make it?"

She replied in the negative and he continued. "Has anyone told you they like that shirt? Help me because I can't see [he was trying to read the karaoke book] - I love your beautiful shirt."

At the end of that evening, he stopped by the table again to compliment the shirt again. "I'm so absolutely in love with that blouse. I think it is the best ever." DM was ready to give him the shirt off her back just to satisfy him.

Two weeks ago, Bryan suggested a visit to Supposedly, this is a site that suggests fun activities to use those leftovers from shopping. And most of the ideads are terrible and involve young children. I keep meaning to check it out - Bryan mentioned it is good for one of those uncomfortable laughs.

Eleven PM is here now. So is Craig. His first words to me involved a story about a stripper and pasties. Great. During the rest of the evening, he mentioned bowel movements (in not so nice of terms) that resembled egg rolls and used more English slang than normal. I swear, Craig arrives and the stage direction should read, "Enter Uncomfortable Silence stage right."

Jason, Kenny, and Ryan did all appear after only 30 minutes of my torture with Craig. The bar filled up around midnight and karaoke was going strong. Around 1, Liz, James, and little Matt arrived. Liz and I had a great conversation about management frustrations (one of the reasons I love talking to Liz and James is the fact we're all managers in different fields so we can discuss the pros and cons without being industry specific).

I had a good time tonight, even with the creepy fake Scottsman (okay, he is from Scotland. But he has lived here for many, many years. His accent is only used on women) present. I'm happy to know that he will be out of the country for a few weeks starting in 9 days (yippie!!! Oh, sorry Europe) and the uncomfortable moments will subside for a bit. Everyone missed DM tonight and Easter Sunday was a little lower key than last year, but still a lot of fun.