Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Dude, Stop Drinking Bleach*

One of the many joys of going to karaoke bars is the benefit of ending up with a good story to tell. Random, unwanted advances usually top the list of good stories, mainly because we (DM & I) can poke fun and mock the attempts of the individuals. Yes, it is mean. And yes, they are asking for it.

A couple of Fridays ago, DM, Sarah, and I went to Wild Tymes to see Angie Ang. As we walked in, we noticed Angie Ang did not seem to be present. Hmmm**. We decided to sit down anyway and that was probably our mistake. The table we picked out was near the front of the bar (or back, depending on your viewpoint) and right next to the speakers. It was also close to the singers and therefore put us in clear view for every freak to see us and want to join us. Before I was even able to remove my coat, I was attacked (yes, attacked is the correct descriptive word here) by a drunk woman dancing at me. I enjoy using the word "dancing" as a threatening action. That's what it was. She tried to demand me to dance, telling me, "I love this song! Why aren't you dancing?!" I tried, politely, to explain we had just arrived (hence the face I was still wearing my coat) and we were just settling at a table, getting ready to enjoy the evening. She just twirled away.

Before we could even exchange the, "What in the world was she one?" glance, we were invaded by Derrick. As he approached, we did not know he was Derrick, but we were about to find out all about him.

Derrick started out by commenting about not commenting on the weather in Minnesota. He told us that he wouldn't bring up the weather, breaking his own commitment as he made his declaration. Here's a fact. It is winter. We do live in Minnesota. Of course it is going to be cold. If it was 90 degrees and sunny on a Friday night in February, I'd be more worried.

Derrick also commented about karaoke itself. He didn't ask if we were going to sing; he just stated that he was afraid to sing. He made sure we knew that he wouldn't even sing in his shower for fear that his neighbors would move away.

He introduced himself and asked our names. When he found out DM's name, he stated, "Oh, hey! D & D!" My first thought was, "I'm a man! I play Dungeons & Dragons! Chicks dig me. But I have to be quiet or my mom will wake up." (Which I can't find the link to at this point. I'll find it one of these days.) I commented to Derrick, "Yeah, but not like Dungeons and Dragons." He didn't get it. DM did.

Sarah checked her phone to see if someone called and Derrick made a comment about it vibrating between her legs. This got the eye roll and he realized that she was not amused. He wasn't as observant when it came to DM and I, but then, we were both thinking the same thing. "Hmmm, blogging material..."

He told us that he's a student at a culinary school nearby. His comments about this are contradicting or just explain how incredibly poorly he did at high school. His first statement was, "It is so much easier than high school." Then he followed it up with, "I suck at cooking." He commented that at the school there are griddles the size of the table we were sitting at. My first thought when hearing this was of the movie Uncle Buck and the giant pancake. I said in a monotone voice, "Wow. You could make really big pancakes with a griddle that size." He agreed, thinking that would be really cool. Then he proceeded to tell us that he couldn't eat a pancake that big. DM commented that those would be Paul Bunyan sized hotcakes and we had a laugh at an inside joke***.

I asked Sarah how Matt was doing and she caught on and made it clear that she had a boyfriend. This is true. DM then commented about how it was so hard to leave Randall at home, asleep. Randall is DM's fake boyfriend, named after Randall Flagg, the recurring villain and face of evil in many Stephen King stories. Hey, if you're going to make up a boyfriend, why not have him be a minion of the devil? She asked me how Sam was doing, pulling a name off of a Samuel Adam's advertisement. I played along and Derrick asked if he was my boyfriend. I lied (bad Beth! But good to keep this guy at bay) and said yes. He asked if he was smarter than Dubya. DM commented that some sort of dead animal (which animal I cannot remember now) was smarter than Dubya.

A decent singer with a really cool white top started singing. Derrick commented that she was quite skinny. Then he looks at DM and says, "You must hate skinny women." She just replied, "No," but later thought it would have been appropriate to say, "No, I eat them for breakfast." Then Derrick says to me, "Do you think she's had a boob job?" This woman wasn't top heavy at all and I replied, "No." He continues to say, to me, "I hear that boob job's cost about 10-Gs. You don't need one."

"Classy!" is what escaped my mouth at this point. Sarah started to giggle. Derrick started talking about how much dating sucks and how being 29 sucks. We didn't care about his age or his opinion of dating. He didn't notice the lack of interest and continued to explain that he lived with a woman for a year and then she moved out and then they started dating. But he doesn't like her that much anymore because she doesn't talk to him. I'm thinking, 'Dude, that's not dating. If she won't talk to you and you think you're still going out, that's called STALKING.'

He looks at the table and asks, "Are you all in AA?" We ponder as to why he thinks this and he says, "Where are your alcoholic beverages?" Besides the fact that we don't drink, he pretty much invaded us as we arrived and we wouldn't have even had time to purchase frilly liquor beverages. DM thought later that she should have responded to the "Are you all in AA?" question with, "Yes, and you're interrupting our meeting at the bar!"

Derrick then starts to talk about a woman dancing and states that she must be a prostitute. I ask why he thinks this and he replies, "Because she dances like a stripper." Being the logical person I am, I reply, "Being a stripper does not automatically imply a woman is a prostitute." He makes some comment about strippers "riding c*cks all night long" and then tells us that this girl that doesn't talk to him but he's dating is a stripper. I can see why she doesn't talk to him.

He decides to tell us about his adventures at different dancing establishments. He went to a club in downtown Minneapolis that was populated with mostly black people. Apparently the girls showed him some moves in this club. The shoulders are very important to use while moving to the rhythm. He demonstrated and then showed us his previous skills, which included a dance from the 80's I can only remember being called the "Cabbage Patch." Then he explained that a fight broke out at this club and the girl who was teaching him to move his shoulders said, "You better move because this girl's going to give blood." Then she punched the girl behind him. But Derrick himself has not been in a fist fight since grade school.

I felt the need to start quoting song lyrics to him to see if he would catch them in regular conversation. As he spoke about this experience dancing, I asked if he was able to "bust a move". He didn't get it. Even with it being sung right next to us.

His next dancing experience he shared involved a Country Western establishment and people line dancing. While I entertained his conversation by asking about the "Tush Push" and such, he did express his fascination of watching a 100+ people dance in unison. At some point during this conversation, I commented about how the spurs jiggle when the jangle. He asked if DM, Sarah, and I found cowboy hats sexy. We could care less.

Derrick also kept telling us how he liked it when people "gave [him] shit." DM told him, "For me to give you shit, I'd have to care. Which I don't."

The man, who wasn't quite drunk but not quite intelligent either, seems to have some daddy issues. He told me all about his father not talking to him and that he doesn't want to beat him up; he just wants them to be friends. Derrick pointed out the fact he was blonde, which was obvious by the fact his hair lacked color.

He also talked about growing up in Mahtomedi and White Bear Lake. Mahtomedi is where DM is from and this was slightly scary to hear. Then he asked where I worked. I told him I worked in Shoreview, a town north of the Cities. He asked if it was right next to Mahtomedi. I explained it was a bit more north, closer to Arden Hills****. His direct quote was, "Cool!" To which I replied in a slightly Valley Girl voice, "You're right! Geography is AW-some!"

Derrick finally disappeared after we didn't "give [him] shit" like he wanted. He said that we'd make fun of him after he left because that's what Minnesotans do. Well, we did make fun of him, but we were doing it with him there. I'm not adding anything to the experience for this post. This all happened. I'm just relaying the facts as they happened. If you think it is making fun of him, that's fine.
*Title comes from a phrase I used to try and joke about Derrick's lack of intelligence. It spawned from a thought about him having the bleach seep in while dying his hair.

**As it turned out, Angie had taken her father to the hospital. He had a seizure caused by a large loss of blood from a bloody nose. He is fine and she is now too. It was scary at the time.

***Bryan has determined that we are not part of the Church of Angry Frankenstein Monsters anymore. Now we're Bunyanists, which has a lot to do with the theory that Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox created the lakes in Minnesota, not glaciers.

****Welcome to Geography of the Twin Cities 101! Isn't it exciting? Oh wait, I'm sorry, it isn't.