Reflecting

Funny how the month that I decide to write a post daily happens to align with the time that I have one thing on my mind. How boring. I'm trying very hard not to write about the same subject each and every day - unsuccessful in my humble opinion. Those nights I sit down and try to write a post that is not about the feelings driving me insane are the nights I pull out old high school essays, write about sitting in the dark at work, and random book reviews.

This blog is supposed to be a place where I write out stories about events I've had in life. Situations that were a bit funny or touching, or something at least.

It does seem that every time I try to stop thinking about a certain, insignificant connection recently reestablished, my "logical" mind decides to find another reason to think about it. I wonder if the fact this is on my mind constantly is the reason my team is dipping at work a little. Probably not, but the timing fits with everything else going on.

On my bookshelf, I have a little book called, "The Book of Questions." It's written by Gregory Stock, Ph. D. In it, there are 217 thought-provoking questions (with some follow-up ones). I rarely get past the first one.

The first question posed is, "For a person you loved deeply, would you be willing to move to a distant country, knowing there would be little chance of seeing your friends or family again?" Wow. Really? Really? How did you know to ask?

Sharing my true emotions is not an easy task. It's almost as if my mind, typically residing in logic mode, trips up my words, stunts my speech, and bottles up what I really out to share. I'm going to try to share those feelings here.

Hope. The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. Thats one of the feelings I keep having. Does it sound insane to know, want, and wish for a life with a man who lives almost 5000 miles away (8000 kilometers)? A man who I have spent one month of my life with (out of 337)? A man that I've had contact with three times (each a short span of time with a few emails and chat programs) in the last 8 and a half years?

It's ridiculous. I'm an optimist, sure, but this? Holy crap. That's a test of optimism. How the hell will this ever work out? As for the question the book presents, I know my answer. And it doesn't make me feel good.

When is love not enough? It is in songs, movies, books, etc. Surrounded by the belief that love is all we need. Love can conquer all. Nice sentiment, but a bit unrealistic. I looked up the circumference of the earth. A little less than 25,000 miles. I guess he's not half a world away, only a fifth of a world away. That doesn't make it any better.

Blast! I don't even know how to write all I'm feeling. It's like my mind is a jumbled mess, trying to make it a logical thought process and all I can really come up with quickly is, "A memenah ma me him." Why do I feel the need to turn into a bubblering idiot? That frustrates me. It almost angers me that there is someone out there who can make me feel like this. Yeah, angry. Angry because I want him in my life so badly and it can't happen so I have a constant stuggle to make sense of it all.

Another question in the book, in the follow-up section, poses this, "Is it better to have dreams that will never come to pass or to have no dreams at all? How much better would your life be if the things you dream of doing or having were granted to you?" I don't know that answer. But it seems to be what is kicking around in my brain.

This post, or desperate attempt to clear my head, is not working as I want it to. I'm still faced with questions, still struggling with emotions, and still checking my emailfifteen times a day, hoping for the familiar address to show up.

It's torture. Not like pins under the fingernails torture, but emotional torture. I'm sure most people have a way to identify with this feeling. It's frustration. Frustration for what we can't remedy, what we can't change, what we can't do.

Gar! At times like this, I resort to speaking like a pirate. It's because nothing else I can say seems to fit.

More on this topic to come. I hope I don't drive everyone away.