Monday, September 12, 2005

Football Season Karaoke & More Cowboy Mouth Lyrics

Tonight at the Chalet was one I’ll remember.

Football season has started. Softball season is over. That means a few things. With less softball players looking for something to do on a Sunday night, the Chalet is almost empty. Sure, there are the regulars like DM and myself, but the random crazies are not present. Let me rephrase that. The random crazies are not there, but the frequent crazies make their appearances.

When I picked up DM, we listened to the new Cowboy Mouth albums that I bought in the car on the way up to the bar. We got there early, like usual. Somehow we manage to beat Bryan to the bar by about 10 minutes every week.

Bryan, DM, and I have a conversation about pirates. Bryan tells the one pirate joke he knows and it is the same pirate joke that everyone tells.

Angie, a total sweetheart and a good friend of ours now, arrived a few minutes after Bryan walked in. She brought a new beau with her. His name is Steve. Nice guy and very attractive. DM and I both approved of Steve. He is much better than her previous boyfriend, a man we both only saw drunk.

We joke about DM’s dating life. A comment is made that DM could probably get a guy if she started taking refugees into her home. (Yes, bad humor. That’s how we deal. We all know we’re going to hell.) Pick-up lines are given back and forth and suddenly DM’s new nickname is Hurricane Dana. Please don’t hate us.

Two guys showed up and joined our table. We’ve chatted with one of them before and they are both nice gentlemen. I need a couple of fake names. Um, to protect them (& myself) I’m going to call them Dave & Seth. I like that.

A little background about Dave & Seth. Seth, a guy we’ve seen before but never really chatted with, is a techie. Actually, both of the guys have jobs that involve computers and being savvy with technology. Seth is tall, kind of geeky, and adorable. He’s a nice guy and can hold an intelligent conversation. Dave can also hold an intelligent conversation. Dave is close to my age, I think, and as DM puts it is “HOT”. He has the classic good looks. You know what I mean, right? Perfect hair, expressive eyes, and a strong jaw line. Yeah, Dave is a good-looking man. And he’s nice. And smart. And you’d think I’d fall for him.

The problem? He has a wife (soon to be ex-wife) and a child. I know it sounds petty, but if there is one thing I’ll be selfish about, it is happiness in my life. I don’t want to date a guy with kids. But he is nice to see. And he knows it.

Dave makes a comment (right after Angie left to take Steve home) that the bar is quite empty. My response, “It’s football season.” When there are night games for the Vikings, the bar gets busy. The big screen TVs draw people. But the Vikes played this afternoon (and lost. I had to look that up) and the place was quiet.

The door opened and drama walked in. I turned to DM and said, “Yes, it is football season.” She looked confused for about 10 seconds and then the knowing look hit her face. The boy (scroll to the bottom to find many other related posts) had arrived. So had Pete and Guru* and two women I’ve never seen before. Pete and Guru were completely trashed and the boy was being the responsible friend and was stuck with the task of looking after these two idiots.

The women wanted to play darts, so P & G were with them most of the evening. Except for when they decided to “grace” us with their presence. That might have had something to do with the fact the boy was sitting next to me and they kept trying to talk to him and then tell us stories.

One thing is to be said about drunks. Okay, two things. First of all, they can be massively annoying. Intellect goes right out the window when massive amounts of alcohol have been consumed. When someone doesn’t have enough brain cells to have an intelligent conversation sober, think about what it does when they kill a few billion more. The second thing that can be said about drunks is the fact they do create some amusing stories.

Pete sat down and tried to tell me a story. I think he may have actually told it, but he mumbles. DM was singing and he plopped down in her chair and said to me, “Can I ask your opinion of something?” (“Ca sk you inion sometin?” There was a bit of slurring involved with the mumbling.)

He proceeds to tell me about last night at a different bar. Amazingly enough, I’ve actually been to the bar he is referring to. It scares me that the bar he is talking about is about two blocks from my apartment. That means that last night, as I was sitting here working on a paper for my economics course on the effect housing starts have on the mortgage industry (fascinating, I bet you’re all jealous of me), Pete was nearby. I’m frightened.

Okay, I’ve stopped rocking back and forth in the fetal position now. Back to the story. Pete is telling me that he went to the bar and bought a round of drinks for a few people. Actually, he bought two rounds of shots for a bunch of people. From what I was able to understand, he then asked a guy that he had just bought two shots for if he could bum a cigarette. The guy got upset and started insulting Pete. This is where logic leaves the building.

Some other man, that I’ve never met, defends Pete and gets into a fight in the parking lot with the insulting guy. Pete sleeps in his truck. As Pete is telling the story, he tells me the guy helping him is a “friend of mine, no, he’s his roommate, and his friend, but kind of my friend.” When he says, “his roommate,” he points at the boy. End of Pete’s story.

The boy says to me, “Did you get any of that?”

“No.” Simple reply on my part. Confused look on my face, I say to the boy, “Do you have a roommate?”

“No. That’s why I’m confused.” It seems that the man defending Pete’s honor (yeah, that’s about the way it was described) is actually Guru’s roommate.

I then, for sheer amusement, look at Pete and say, “Didn’t this story start with you wanting my opinion on something?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it did.” Slurring again.

“What did you want my opinion on?”

“What happened.” Pete is brilliant, obviously.

“I have no opinion. I don’t care.”

Pete wanders off to play more darts and Guru has left us for a bit. The boy turns to me, swear to God, he says, “Can I ask you something?” I nod and he continues. “Does Pete have a personality?”

A little bit of the back-story needs to be told before I go into my answer. Last year, after the “date with Pete” night, DM and I had a conversation about him. It involved her saying, “Maybe he has multiple personalities” because he keeps bringing up his friends and trying to convince people that he’s a decent guy. My reply was, “If he has multiple personalities, do you think he could have brought at least one of them with?”

I kind of laugh a bit at the boy’s question and tell him, “Um, no. Actually, I wondered if he had multiple personalities and would bother to bring one of them out.” He laughs and agrees. The boy is not overly impressed with the way his buddies are acting and explains that there are things you do for your friends, but sometimes that people are friends because they’ve known each other for a long time. I get this. Don’t get me started on high school.

I tell the boy to ask DM the same question. She responds as I did. He just laughs. DM almost tells the boy that she faked the asthma attack to get away from Pete, but we figure he has probably figured this one out already.

During the “How did I end up on a date with Pete?” night, Pete told me that he and the boy were in a bar fight over a game of darts. With the subject of fighting brought up by Pete, I decided to ask point-blank if this was true.

“Have you ever been in a bar fight?”

The boy has a look like I’m crazy on his face. “No. Why would I be?”

DM and I explain at this point that Pete told us that the two of them had taken a man out into a parking lot and beat him up because of a game of darts. The boy looks at Pete and has a look of disdain on his face. At least I now know that the boy doesn’t get into bar fights. And I know, even though I suspected as much, that Pete is a liar and idiot.

Guru has now reached a point of utter intoxication where all he is capable of is to sit at the end of the table and spew verbal garbage from his mouth. Pete brings up the subject of homosexuals (and gets a lot of dirty looks from Angie, DM, Dave, Seth, the boy, and I). Guru decides to tell me, “The boy and I are not gay together.”

Well, I was wondering. This man is an idiot. I’ve met him three times now and he’s been this drunk each and every time. He asked me at least four times tonight what my name was. I’ll admit, it’s a hard name to remember. I struggle with it each day.

Guru continues. “We’re not gay. I can prove it.”

Here is the rest of that conversation.
Beth: I didn’t think you were gay.
Guru: I can prove it.
B: You don’t need to.
G: I like p*ssy.
B: That’s a great thing to share in front of a bunch of women. (Obviously, I was being sarcastic.)
G: I am a man.
B: No shit.
G: I like to eat p*ssy.
Angie: I don’t like p*ssy.
DM: Me neither. I like d*ck.
B: You know what, me too! (To Guru:) The level of intellect you bring to the table stuns me. Thank you so much for sharing with us Guru.

The boy is just shaking his head at his associate now and telling him to shut up.

Guru starts another conversation. “Hey, you, um, what’s your name again? Yeah, okay, that girl up by the dart boards? She likes me. She just doesn’t know it yet.”

To humor the moron, I said, “Are you going to tell her that?”
G: One of the girls at this table likes me. (At this point, DM is singing, so that leaves Angie and myself.) Which one is it?
B: Neither.
A: That’s right. Neither of us.

While DM is still singing, Guru keeps talking. This man annoys me, if you haven’t guessed yet.

G: Hey, you should go after the boy. Do you like the boy?

This is where the boy jumps in and starts working harder at getting this drunk to shut up.
Boy: Hey, look over there. Yeah, remember those girls you brought with you? You should go talk to them. Um, yeah, go over there. Oh, here’s a pencil. Look at that. It’s pretty.

I lean over and say to the boy, “Don’t you just love alcohol? It makes people so blunt. Have fun taking care of him tonight.” He looks at me (blue, definitely blue eyes) and laughs. He looks embarrassed and I can tell Guru is not his friend, but Pete’s friend and he just puts up with the guy. Like DM and I put up with Pete (kind of).

The boy shared an experience with me tonight. When he went into the restroom, the zipper on his jeans broke. He was pretty embarrassed and told me that he was happy he wore a long shirt tonight. We joked about it for most of the night and now that I think about it, I believe he told me to draw attention. There was some odd vibes between the boy and Dave at the other end of the table. The boy wanted me to talk with him and was quite curious about who Dave was. When the boy left, Dave was not as nice with his comments. Dave’s comments were not directly associated with the boy, but there was an obvious dislike of Pete and Guru.

Oh, and the fact about the zipper? Well, he pointed it out and then told me that he wasn't lying. This is how I now know what type of underwear he wears.

Angie mentioned that the boy was overly animated. Then she realized who he was. Her comment, “Oh, that’s why he was like that. He’s trying to impress you.”

The boy did leave after good-byes were shared. Some people dislike him and sure, he has a few faults. He is slow about making any type of move and he has a complete git as a friend, but he is nice and has a good sense of humor. I enjoy talking with him at the bar and I’m letting it sit right there for now. I can’t blame anyone for his or her friends. If that were the case, I’d be an idiot for hanging out with Adam for so long. I think with football season going on, he may be making more appearances at karaoke.

After the boy left, Liz and James showed up. They joined us and our table had great conversations. All in all, I had a good time at karaoke, even if the entertainment was making fun of drunks.

That’s my life right now. It is almost time for bed. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow afternoon (not fun) and more homework due. Exit drama, stage right.

And to end this post, another set of Cowboy Mouth lyrics:

Hey Bartender
Cowboy Mouth
Hey bartender, pour me another one
'Cause I don't think that I've had enough
Make it a bourbon, make it a double one
You can see that I'm still standing up
Whiskey and women
Well they fooled me every time
To thinking I'm the hero I have
Pictured in my mind
So tell me a secret
To get me through the night
Ah, just turn up the jukebox
Tell me a lie
Where am I this evening?
No, I don't mean what bar
I mean, what city?
And in what state am I?
Are you leaving?
And do you have a car?
And could you take me along for the ride?
See, women like you
Well you could answer in my life
Let me be the lover
I have pictured in my mind
So tell me a secret
To get me through the night
Ah, just turn up the jukebox
Tell me a lie
Well, here's a quarter
Why don't I play us a song
I believe it's George Jones
I belive it's a slow one
In 3/4 time
Turn up the jukebox
Tell me a lie
Hey bartender,
Did she say where she was going?
Well I must have dozed off for awhile
Are these my cigarettes?
And how much do I owe?
I guess I'll see you tomorrow night
And do you think she'd mind it if I called her up sometime
I might be the reason she's been searching her whole life
So tell me a secret
To get me through the night
Turn up the jukebox
Tell me a lie
Turn up the jukebox
And tell me a lie
Turn up the jukebox
And tell me a lie


*The boy, Pete, and Guru are all fake names. Guru's fake name is very lame but it was all I could come up with after "How did I end up on a date with Pete?!?"