Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I'm Done With It [full stop]

At least once a week, people at work will ask me about someone I have not spoken to in what feels like forever. I've let go, I no longer care (which is a huge step for me), and I don't want to know what is going on in this person's life and I don't care if he knows about mine. The friendship (if it ever was one) is over. We are two separate people living on this planet and there is no connection.

At least there is no connection anymore. I know it. I would be willing to bet he knows it. Shouting it to the world defeats the purpose of letting go, not caring, and not letting it bother me. But people keep asking me about him! It is annoying.

"How is Adam?" "What's Adam up to?" "Have you talked with Adam lately?"

The answers are, "I don't care." "I don't know and don't want to." "No. Stop asking."

I went to training yesterday in Minneapolis. The training itself is interesting and I'm going again today, trying to pretend that I'm a day-walker and it is driving me a bit batty. I don't like downtown Minneapolis because of the traffic and parking situation, but that's another story. After the class yesterday, I was walking to my car with another supervisor from our center. He asked about Adam. I relayed the same thing I tell everyone who asks, "I don't know. We don't talk anymore." You would think that would make people stop asking. It doesn't.

Some people say, "But you were so close," or "I wouldn't have ever thought that." Some people say, "Oh, I was hoping you could tell me something." Here's the thing:

I spent a long time on a "friendship" where the outcome was a damaging blow to my self-esteem and thoughts on friendship. By the time we stopped living together, he dropped his fa├žade and I realize that I was just someone who he could use to get what he wanted. I've always been generous to my friends (not monetarily) and he used that to feel better about himself. He is selfish and doesn't really care about many people. He puts on a good act. It took me a long time to admit this because admitting it hurt more than denial.

I'm over it now. I don't want to see him again. I don't want to know about his life. Any thoughts of him wanting to know about where I am in life are gone, I don't care if he knows or not. I don't want to have any contact. I want to forget.

And people keep asking me. I'm not prepared to give up my life that I have now and I just have to deal with the questions. I'll just keep telling people, "I don't know. I don't care." And eventually, the questions will stop. The people who knew us back then will either figure it out or forget. Or they will leave the call center and I won't have that contact anymore.

He is just a former roommate. No emotional connection remains.