Saturday, July 16, 2005

In Which I Put Too Much Meaning Into Nothing

Long days, long week, stupid cold. There's a ton going on in my life right now and the time to blog has been sparse. Same old story.

Trying to hold onto the little bit of a social life I still claim I have, I went out after work tonight with Char to the pool hall. When we walked in, I recognized a guy that I have not seen in almost two years. He is the son of the current owner of the old pool hall I used to frequent and was someone I saw almost every day for two years in a time that seems like a lifetime ago.

It was bound to happen. By going to this other pool hall, I knew one of these days I would see someone from the old hang out that still goes there and the question would come up, "Why don't you go to Bugs anymore?" I found out tonight that the question does linger and it is sometimes answered by a few old friends there. There is a guy that used to hang out at that pool hall that I dislike to the depths of my soul and my choice is to avoid him.

This guy I ran into tonight (not the one I dislike) is a guy that I don't care one way or another for. He was a regular, but not in the "regular" sense. He was family of the owners, not a friend that liked the atmosphere. He told me that just last week people were talking at Bugs about how I don't visit anymore and that if anyone saw me, they should invite me in. It's been over four years since I was a fixture in the place and the people still remember me and still want me to come back.

And I feel like crap because I dropped a place I felt at home, I abandoned friends and my routine, all because I didn't like one person. There are times I remember why I am happy I don't go there anymore, but there are also times I miss being able to just go out and not feel like I had to drag a friend along. I do miss being a regular, I miss feeling like it was "my" place to be.

One of these days, probably when Char gets back from her trip to Texas next week (another long story), I will probably make an appearance. This has a much deeper meaning to me than anyone else and it may cause some feelings to resurface. I'm afraid to walk in those doors. I'm afraid I'll like it. I'm afraid I'll feel at home. And I'm also afraid I'll feel guilty for what I left behind.