In Which She Goes On and On About HIM, Yet Again, What Else Did You Expect?

Scatterbrained. Lost in thought. Dreamy. Misty-eyed. A million miles away. All of these phrases could be used to describe myself as of late. Reconnecting with Andriy, anxiously awaiting replies, has rekindled the feelings I’ve felt and hidden for the past eight and a half years. It is not my intention to turn my blog into a shrine to this man. And yet… Yet, I am enjoying remembering the moments from his visit. As frustrating as it is that he is 5,000 miles away and we both take two weeks to reply to emails and I can’t touch him, hear his voice, share a funny story and hear his laughter/see his eyes sparkle, and share more moments with him, it is also pleasant to get lost in the memory of him. If there is someone to get hooked on, he’s a good one for me. I like sharing the stories about when he was here, I like thinking of him.

Not trying to bore anyone to death with my posting, I try not to write about him every night. It intrigues me that I can find so many stories about his visit when it was only 4 weeks long, but they are there, etched into my mind. I tried hard, made a conscious effort, of making each day special when he was here. I revisited his visit in my mind over and over once he was gone to be sure to remember it. If there is something I never want to forget, it is how I felt when he was here. To remember those feelings, I replay the events of that month in my mind and share those stories.

Sharing those stories – that’s where this blog gets to play a part. Tonight, I will write a few more down.

Every June, Fridley (my hometown) holds a festival called, “Fridley 49er Days.” The town was formed in 1949. To celebrate, the town has a carnival, a parade, beauty pageant, and street dances. If we had visitors during this time, we made sure to take them to the different events. Andriy (and Bob – the defector) were our guests for a few of these events. We went to the parade, finding a spot at the bottom of Commons Hill. The floats and cars went by – the boys all waved at the beauty queens after learning the specific wave used by pageant winners. Marching bands strolled past, sometimes giving us a tune as we watched clowns run up and down the street. In Minnesota, there is a group out of St. Paul called the “Vulcans.” This has nothing to do with Star Trek. This group visits parades and numerous events in Minnesota and Wisconsin. Here’s a link to their website. The main thing about this group is that when visiting parades, they used to (not sure if they can anymore – some rumor about legal battles) put black face paint on those standing by. Andriy was a “victim” of their fun and smiled quite big when he had a thick goatee painted on his face. There’s a picture. Really should scan that one of these days.

During 49er Days, we also went to the carnival. Here’s something you may or may not know about me (depending on how long you’ve been reading this site): I am deathly afraid of heights and do NOT like rollercoasters at all. That goes for Ferris Wheels and rickety contraptions that spin you in every direction known to man at great velocities while being suspended in the air. There is a ride common at county carnivals called the Zipper. I hate this thing. Hate. Utterly despise. Never could you get me on this. Unless of course you happened to be HIM. After the ride stopped (which he had quite a good time rocking the car more than the ride would typically rock it for my benefit – jerk!), I was ready to kiss the sticky, cruddy ground and he was laughing hysterically.

One of the things that I found attractive about Andriy, and actually most men, was the fact he wore glasses. I don’t know what it is, but I do enjoy it when men wear glasses. The ones he wore while visiting were pretty thick – it’s a heavy prescription. One morning, as I was getting ready to leave for work, he was at the kitchen table wearing his sunglasses and trying with all his might to get the tiny screw back into his glasses. He looked so lost. Being a “strong” man, he didn’t like to ask for help with this task, but also realized he had to. I was able to fix the frames quickly. That little moment is still in my memory.

It’s an odd experience to fall for someone who is living in your home. Intimacy is forced upon you and you see the side of people that they typically hide at first. We didn’t have close quarters, but he was there when I got home from work. He was there in the mornings. We were able to stay up late each night talking and there was more time to spend with each other since we were in the same house. Then there were moments where we’d both forget the other was in the same house. One morning, I awoke and got dressed before heading upstairs (my room was in the basement). I walk up a small flight of stairs to find Andriy ironing his blue jeans. That was adorable – I’ve never thought about ironing my blue jeans. I still don’t see the point, but there he was. His embarrassment was not caused by the fact he was ironing clothing that really doesn’t need ironing, but the fact that he was standing in his boxers. This memory is not etched in my mind because of his lack of clothing, but because of his conservative nature and shock being caught half dressed.

There are more stories, more moments that I want to capture and share. I have a list of things (notes to jog my own memory – although each story brings another one out of hiding – I think that’s the fun part for me) to write and will be doing so over the next week(s). I miss him. It hurts to miss him. But then, there is comfort in knowing that I did meet him. Hope eats at me and it is most likely a lost cause, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find happiness in the time I did share with him.

I Promised Myself to Write 10 Things Tonight - So I Did

1. Last night, I went to go see "Stranger Than Fiction," and even with Will Ferrel in it, I liked it. Not side splitting laugher, but a cute movie with a fun plot and interesting turns of events. It was very much like reading a good book, but having the book read to you. I liked the narration, which drove the plot line. Emma Thompson was great, Dustin Hoffman brilliant as usual, and Will Ferrel was not annoying.

2. End of the year is coming and so we are forced to examine our budgets at work. After a little examination, Steve and I determined that we still had $250 to spend and since we have to spend it by the 10th, we went shopping. Normally we stock up on toys and food, but this trip to Target was one to get some prizes for contests (movies) and pick up some sort of holiday gift for the team. We ended up picking up winter mugs, tons of hot chocolate, tea, candy canes, about 10 types of chocolate, and some mint. Good winter presents. Once back at work, Steve and I put the gifts together.

3. To go with the mugs and to get ahead of the holiday frenzy, I got home from work and started making Christmas cards. I have 55 cards stamped and ready with pre-cut pieces. Now I just have to adhere all the pieces together. That's a project for another night. Too much bending over small pieces and I'm tired of it. But! I'm ahead of the holiday game. Sort of.

4. The other night I wrote about my mom's reaction to the pictures of Andriy. There was barely any reaction. Well, the next day (and today) she has been emailing me links and news she found online (she's into Google now - who knew?). The funny thing is she's not sending me anything I haven't found myself already ('cause being obsessive includes Google). But she managed to find the stories online about the previous men who held his job. I've been weary about posting the crazy stories I found about his job, but what the hey! So, here's the deal. It's not a safe job. Prestigious? Yes. Safe? No. There seems to be a history of men taking bribes and maybe one of those men was disliked and "riddled with bullets" on the front steps of his home because a group of people didn't want him to ever advance in politics. Yeah. This fact does not put me at ease. This is yet another reason why he should move to America.

5. When Andriy stayed at our home, we had another man visiting. He was older and, dare I say it, creepy. Not older as in elder, but just older than Andriy and I were. He was probably 32. Well, each time a group arrives through this program to the US, there is always a fear that the interns will defect. In this particular group, the leaders were actually thinking it would be Andriy they needed to worry about because of his political ties and if the election going on back home turned sour, it wouldn't be safe for him to return home. No one expected the guy learning about the Boy Scouts to defect. As we took Andriy to the hospital, he went to the airport but didn't return to Ukraine. Instead, he went to New Jersey and then disappeared. We figure he changed his name (we joke and call him Bob Smith). The really bad, sad part? He was married and left his wife and daughter in Ukraine. I'm sure he was sending them money, but the daughter was also very ill (Chernoybl effects). It was an odd turn of events. Not relevant, just something I remember.

6. I got an award today at work. It is for the performance of my team in 2nd quarter. It came with a $25 gift card. If I save up enough of these cards, I may treat myself. I know what I want, but that dollar amount seems to be too high for the time being.

7. It got really cold here. Yesterday wasn't too bad at 35 F, just above freezing. But drives home from work are at about 11 F (or less) and I wish it would warm up and snow. That's the problem here. We get really cold, but it gets so cold that the snow passes us by.

8. I have a new banker who joined my team at the beginning of the month. Nice guy - is performing pretty well too. I think he's going to fit in well in our team. But he did something I didn't expect yesterday. He left me a note (explaining something going on), but then signed it with "Love," drew a heart, and put XOXO under his name. It doesn't bother me, just seemed like an ending you'd use on a note to your boss.

9. Thursday night is karaoke night. Again. Finally. I've missed going on Thursdays. It will be nice to have that relief again.

10. Thursday will also be a hectic day for me. My team has two meetings tomorrow (our team is split into meetings because of the hours and instead of one meeting each month, Steve and I lead the same meeting twice in the same day). So I have a meeting from 3-5 and one from 7-9. Plus, I have a scheduled coaching session with my boss from 5-7. That's 6 straight hours of scheduled activities. Not entirely sure when I'll take lunch. Oh well. The meetings should be fairly easy. We want to celebrate a good year so Steve and I are planning on talking for about a 1/2 hour about performance and the results of some contests and then the team will watch a movie. That is if we can get a room with a DVD player. The evening meeting will be no problem, but the 3-5 one might be hard to find a room.

Yet Another Seriously Boring Post in Which I Dream

Fairy Tale. n A fictititious, highly fanciful story or explanation.

Dream. n A wild or vain fancy.

Fantasy. n Imagination, esp. when extravagant and unrestrained.

While I've written the story of meeting Andriy before, there are bits and pieces of that story missing. Memory only brought up certain times during the writing of that post. My mind has been working in overdrive in the last five weeks wandering to a place where a happy ending could reside. I'm remembering more things. One month was not enough and yet that one month was filled with so many wonderful moments. June of 1998 was the best month of my life. And the joy was always clouded by the knowledge that on July 1, he would leave.

In a fairy tale, July 1 would never have arrived. Or he would have found the way to stay. Or I would have gotten on that plane with him. Something other than geographical distance getting in the way.

Okay, what is the direction I want this to take? The writing, not the dream, I mean. I guess this is going to be a long post. If you continue reading, thanks. I don't expect it. It is just me going on and on again about a man that I've probably elevated in my mind beyond anything that he could possibly be.

Memories, misty water colored memories. I'm not sure if that is even the right lyric. Okay, moments that have come back to me over these years, again and again. Some small thing will remind me of him. Movies, music, tiny little details. Places.

One night while he was here, my mom got it into her head that a "crazy American" thing to do would be to visit a country bar and see some line dancing. Not entirely sure what she thought country bars were really like in Minnesota, but "Why not!" There's a bar in the town I now live (and actually drive past a few nights a week coming home from karaoke) called "Robert's." It's a dive. My mom heard they played country music. So one night, we all went. Keep in mind that at the time, Andriy and I were both underage. Little details like this never stopped my mom. When we got to the bar, she decided to try and get us in. She even told the person at the door that we were underage. She used some facts even. My mother explained to the woman that she wanted these foreigners to experience a country bar. Promising no liquor (which was a broken promise), she explained that both Andriy and I were from Ukraine and made me pretend that I couldn't speak English. And we were in. Inside, it was a typical dive bar. Loud music, one drunk woman dancing back and forth by herself, and dark lighting. We sat inside, chatting and watching the lack of synchoized line dancing. It was still a good time. We were together.

The third night he was here, my family went to go play billiards at this place called "Fat Boys." It is owned by the man who owned the pool hall I used to go to religiously. Thinking nothing of it, I wore this T-shirt my mom got me. The T-shirt was for a TV show that is still popular today. An American TV show that had not made syndication in Ukraine. Imagine the surprise and shock of a person who doesn't get the reference and sees a young woman wearing a T-shirt that proudly boasts, "I Killed Kenny." Yeah. I still remember his look as he asked me, cautiously, "You killed someone? And you wear a shirt that says it?" Cultural difference.

One evening, we went online (AOL) and my cousin's step-children were online at the same time. They chatted with us for about an hour, asking Andriy question after question. Andriy was having fun with the questions and being inappropriate. I edited the inappropriate comments out (the kids were 8 and 10), but remember his wicked smile as they asked him, "Do you drink milk?" His reply was, "No. I drink Vodka." It's cuter if you imagine it as it was, with the Slavic accent.

Oh, that accent. Lovely. Absolutely lovely. One evening, just the two of us driving back from somewhere (I think it was Target), we were talking about the accents. The conversation probably arose from the "Th-" or "-th" sound in English that is not common in other languages. Native English speakers - did you ever realize there are actually different ways to pronounce this combination of letters within our language? It's just something we pick up. It was something Andriy learned. He was explaining how my first name would sound different if someone didn't know the -th sound. I knew this. I spent a month in Germany during my senior year of high school, living with a girl who called me "Bess" when I knew for a fact she could pronounce my name correctly. The conversation turned to his name. He introduced himself as "Andrew" many times during his visit to people (and uses it sometimes in emails). His first name is not pronounced like the common Andre. Think Andri. Which makes no sense here. The ending sound is not "A" but "E". As we chatted, I demonstrated how someone could butcher his last name, using the "hard, crass American accent" that he had deemed to be common. His last name is correctly pronounced, "Ro-man-shoo-k." I looked at him, saw the gleam in his eyes, and said, "Roman-CHUCK." The horrified look was priceless.

I tried to teach him to drive a stick shift car. What you have to realize is that stick shifts are more common in Europe than here. He knew how to drive. But since his father was fairly prominent in his country, he learned on automatics. To this day, I still don't know how he managed to get the car parked horizontally in a vertical spot. There was a lot of laughter.

There are certain words that are not taught in foreign language classes. While his English teacher did a great job telling him about detailed topics (such as abortion - we actually had a debate one evening), she never did cover certain slang or curse words. Yep. Yup. Common words spoken in the Midwest. He didn't know they were forms of, "Yes." To him, they sounded like a certain Ukrainian word that we would commonly call the F-word. One evening, he actually said, "Why do people keep swearing at me?" That's when I learned a phrase, which I cannot spell but is pronounced, "Yup-for-you-much," that would be quite effective in displaying frustration or anger. The phrase, "C*cks*cker" also ended up being a conversation I will never forget. You really do have to break down the compound word to explain it. Because demonstration was not going to happen.

He doesn't like rootbeer. That surprised me. While we commonly use cherry flavor for medicine, it appears rootbeer flavor is used for medicine in Eastern Europe. Trips to A&W did not happen while he was here.

We made an unique pair. You have to know that I was 19, an American young woman who grew up in the 90's and had been taught my entire life that women are strong, equal to men. He grew up Ukraine and watched the fall of Communism and the rebuilding of his society. His views of men and women roles were different than mine. And the thought of letting me walk though a door by myself or holding the door open for him drove him CRAZY. It wasn't right. Also, the idea of letting me pay for evenings out was insane to him. But he was a guest in my home and I did pay for our evenings out. He'd get so mad. It was adorable.

So, my memory of him is of an ambitious man - going to law school (now graduated and holding a prestigious job in politics), a kind, gentle man, a man willing to learn about different cultures and finding better ways to live, a man with a passion for life, a bit of a work-a-holic, a man who loved to travel, a man with a brilliant laugh, and a man who just symbolized everything I thought was never going to be a reality in a man. I was 19 and had notions that love was a pipedream. I never thought there could be someone out there who was so right.

He is a fairy tale to me - one with a small hope of coming true. I want that fairy tale. Logic takes a backseat to the dream, no matter how unrealistic. Almost 9 years and I'm still completely taken with him. Every man since has been compared to him. And always will be.

A Post in Which I Mean to Talk About Random Things that Eventually Makes it Back to Him

Once a month, I write a check. One. Between online services and debit cards, my checkbook is somewhat obsolete. But my apartment complex still only accepts paper checks. While I was rummaging through a pile of junk to find my checkbook (which I manage to misplace every month), I found the remote for my DVD player.

Two months ago, I tore up my apartment looking for this thing. I looked under furniture. I checked boxes. I went through every drawer and searched high and low. The moment that I found it today was one of those moments where you go, "Oh man, I'm an idiot." Want to know where it was? You'll never guess. Well, maybe you will. I didn't. It was sitting in plain sight on my desk. ARGH!

I finished up DM's Christmas present today. Now I just need to wrap it. Hee hee! I also completed something for myself and got a good start on the rest of Christmas gifts. Yea!

It got cold here. Really cold. The temp isn't quite below zero Farenheit yet, but it is approaching and with windchill, it sure feels like it. Awful. And we still don't have enough snow to cause a problem or play in. Just a couple of minor dustings. I'm bummed.

Last night at karaoke, we were chatting about cell phones. I mentioned that I might want a new phone one of these days, especially since little pieces are starting to fall off my phone. But I didn't want to change my plan or pay for it. So it is a "one of these days" purchase. Well, I stopped over at my mom's tonight to find a notice from my cell phone provider offering me a $230 phone free if I renew my contract. Since I was planning on renewing the contract, I called them up and I'll have the phone by next weekend. Cool!

When I got to my mom's, I found her making Chex Mix. She sent me home with a big bag of it. I love her.

There seems to be some problem with my template. I'm planning on fixing it tomorrow on my day off. Hopefully I'll get it working again. Seems to be a problem when I post pictures. Sorry about that. I may have to scrap a bit of the formatting I've done, but I'll do what I can. Actualy, I think it might have something to do with one thing in the template.

I wrote a week or so ago about the fact I haven't told my parents about emailing back and forth with Andriy. It is silly not to talk to them about it, but not unusual for me. I've never been good at sharing my feelings for men with them. Probably because neither of them are great at sharing their own emotions with me (or each other), but that's how it is. Well, tonight I was at my mom's and she was talking about Russia (she's helping her friend's daughter with these countries puzzles and it is really cool and this month's topic is Russia). I said, "Speaking of the Post Soviet States, here's some pictures." I showed her the pictures of Andriy.

This is what bothered me about the conversation and the reason I tend to not share with her about him. Her response, "Hmm. He looks middle-aged." That was about it. No excitement, no caring, just factual and thinking he looked middle-aged. Maybe I'm biased, but I don't see it. Maybe she just remembers him being 19.

Oh, the waiting game is still going.

I have to finish a project up for work now. Have a great night!

Writing Emails

Tonight, I got caught up in responding to emails. I have a few contacts I still need to reply to - MySpace is not something I look at often, but I managed to find three people that I actually know trying to contact me through it. One was my friend, Melissa, from my pool hall days who now seems to be interested in computers. I had two emails from high school contacts - I'm delaying those responses. Also, a friend from the bank who moved away over 2 years ago found me and contacted me. That was a nice surprise.

I also wrote back to Andriy. Finally. I had a couple of problems writing to him. Part of it had to do with the fact his reply was delayed and I didn't want to seem too anxious. I also didn't know what to write about. I'm being overly careful with my correspondence with him. I don't exactly know why. And the main reason for the delay? I didn't want to be stuck in the "oh-when-will-he-reply" waiting game again. It's going to be a continuous cycle.

I've given up on trying to post each night - but I am back in the habit of writing more than once a week. I'm going to try and find something to write about each night - even if it is just an update about my day.

Oops!

Well, I missed a day in the whole NaBloPoMo. Oh well. I guess missing one day isn't that bad and I am back in the habit of posting more often.

The problem? I'm running out of things to write each day. Taking the time each night to stare at a blank screen does seem to help and I randomly just start writing about something.

This weekend, I was an awful friend. DM moved and I didn't help. I feel bad about this. My stomach felt good, mainly because my reason for skipping out happened to be Thanksgiving dinner at my dad's. And that dinner included garlic injected turkey. Yum, yum, yum!

After dinner, Dad flipped through the channels and found Pulp Fiction playing. I do enjoy this movie (because I'm morbid or something) and we had to laugh at the horrible editing job the cable channel did. To edit for content on a movie that violent and that heavy on foul language, it certainly was interesting. We only watched a few scenes, but they were just plain bad. An entire character (while a minor character - but one that drove a significant storyline) was deleted. There was also a part where the "kind of" replaced the word that is never allowed on basic cable (unless it is really late at night).

And what really bothers me about TV editing of foul language? Movies are changed to leave out words like (and pardon me here) "Fuck," "Ass," "Goddamn," and "Balls," (the last is absolutely ridiculous) and leaves in words like, "Bitch," "Whore," and racial slurs. Why is it appropriate to use terms that are derogatory towards women and minorities, but white, heterosexual males are protected? Pisses me off. Sorry, that was my rant of the morning.

I've been helping Sarah with her accounting homework. Well, there's this problem that we've been working on this past week and it kept stumping me. Tonight, Sarah brought her homework up to karaoke (yes, I still went even without DM - horrible friend! Yes, I know.) And I finally figured it out! It's kind of lame to be this excited to have figured out a basic accounting problem, but I guess it frustrated me and I am glad it is over.

I think that's good for tonight (morning). There's something else I need to write (non-blog related) and I'm stumped with bad writer's block. And it bothers me. If you were me, and you needed to write to someone in a way that is interesting, what would you suggest I write about? Work? Family? Silly movies that were edited in a bad way? Okay, strike that last one.

Fight!

On Monday, I went to my mom's and brought out the camera (as usual).

Pepper and Smoke, dog and cat, started having a bit of fun and were play fighting.

I just enjoyed this picture:

Impatience

A couple of impatient saps - that's what we are.

I get one email from him and am ecstatic. Gaining composure, I reply a couple of days later.

He replies. Tells me news that I don't expect. I wait a few days to reply, gaining composure again.

In the meantime, before I write a really long email with pictures, he forwards the message he wrote two more times.

So I reply. No response for two weeks (turns out he was away on business - typical). I forward the email I wrote. I send another email asking if he received the email.

Finally, finally, he replies. I haven't replied yet.

But after a couple of days, he forwarded the email again.

We are pathetic and impatient, if nothing else.

Groggy-Eyed

The work week is about to begin for me and I have what most people would consider Monday morning blues. Except it is Tuesday afternoon. I stayed up way too late last night, playing this dumb computer game about Egypt which probably explains the dreams about mummies, and am paying the price. Don't worry. There's a solution that they sell in this marvelous red can, the great, the strong, the perfect drink: Coca~Cola. I am feeling it will be my friend today.

Many out there in the U.S. are ready for a short work week, followed by grand feasts, long naps, and shopping-'til-you-drop. Not I. This is a typical week for me at the office, except Thursday will most likely be slow for call volume.

Here's an odd thing about me - sometimes when I am dealing with an issue, I tell only select people. My parents are rarely in that group. It's not that I don't trust my parents (because I do) and it's not that I think they'll make fun of me (which they probably would in a good-natured kind of way), but problems were not really discussed when I was little and I never got into the habit of sharing.

In the last three weeks, my mom has used the phrase, "Well, that's all I know that's new." And every time, I've replied, "Yeah, not much here either." Which is not true. I don't understand why I haven't shared the pictures of Andriy and his emails with her yet. I haven't told my dad either. But I've shared each contact and my impatient ranting with all of you here. I've told everyone at karaoke and told a few a work. I guess I'm resolving to tell my parents that Andriy has contacted me, especially since they are the people in my life who actually know him.

Okay, going to do a few things and head to work!

I'm Going to Pretend I'm Annoyed But in Truth, I'm Wanting to Scream with Excitement, Fooled You, Didn't I?

Oh, sure, you were out of town. Oh, sure, you were busy.

Actually, I'm very happy right now. I woke up this morning afternoon to find an email from Andriy. In his normal fashion, it is brief, to the point, and does not share much about himself personally. He's like that. For years, the emails I got from him usually said, "Did you get my email?" It always seemed the ones he would write about himself were eaten up by the World Wide Web, you know, taking a vacation in the void.

This new email pretty much tells me he's been busy at work, traveling for his job, and just got back. I am a bit awed by his English skills in this letter - normally there are a few errors and he doesn't seem to have any here.

Well, back to being on cloud 9. I'll reply and the waiting game will continue, as usual.

Bah!

Northern European Heritage

When I was a teenager, I became quite interested in my family's history. I wanted to trace my roots to find where my ancestors came from. While other families went to Disney World and Disney Land, my family took trips to rural Ohio to sift through country record books. These are good memories for me.

It is no surprise to find that I am a full quarter Swedish. The fact that I have been asked (not by an overly smart individual, but asked nonetheless) if I was albino. My skin is pale. Not the porcelain skin, but just lack of pigment. My skin is actually rather pinkish. My great grandfather, Bernhard, came to America on a ship, through the Great Lakes, and settled in Chicago. He returned to Sweden to marry Alma, my great grandmother, and then brought her back to America. This made my grandma full Swede and taking a look at my nose, you can guess which traits passed on.

My maternal grandfather's family had immigrated to America during Revolutionary times and while I have an extensive history since landing here, I don't know all the countries they arrived from. I can guess by the arrival times and settled areas, Northern Europe was the primary source of genes. On my paternal side, the family came from England, Germany, and France. There is a little bit of Scottish somewhere in there too.

What does this mean for me? It means that the sun, that great big ball of yellow in the sky, is not my friend. My eyes, blue, are quite sensitive to natural light. Ten minutes of summer sun will make my skin feel like it is on fire and I never tan. The closest I come to tanning is having a white band of skin surrounded by varying levels of pink where my watch resides.

My sensitivity to sunlight is a factor that I work the night shift. It feels better to be awake at night. At work, one of my peers will jokingly refer to me as Vampira. Today, on my way in from the parking lot, my peers saw me and we walked in together. Not a bright day, but bright in terms of fall/winter sunlight and I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. More teasing ensued.

Living the night life is not always exciting, yet I do enjoy it. There are things I miss out on because I sleep while most people work, but I do enjoy a pleasant summer evening. I love driving at night (as long as it is not raining). I don't deal with traffic, ever, and I don't get tired when I go out at night. Even on cold winter days, my car is usually frost free on the way to work - which gives me that extra 10 minutes in the morning. It also works out that if I want to chat online with foreign friends, I can usually catch them during their mornings.

It's not that bad. I do get to see the sunrise, usually once a week right before I go to bed. It does make me schedule more events and fall into routines to visit family.

Welcome to my world. I'm a night owl.

Random Moments from the Past Few Days

• In the spirit of Teri, I'm going to bullet point these jumbled thoughts
• I saw Shrunken Head Man at Perkins again
• He shows up often there
• Today I went shopping for the team with Steve
• On the way to the store, I asked Steve if he remembered the random thing I wanted to buy for home
• He didn't know
• He was offering suggestions though
• He seemed like he wanted to suggest femine hygeine products
• But was way too embarrassed to bring that subject up to his boss
• Even if we are friends
• Cheese ended up being the random answer
• Food court food is barely edible
• And it may make your stomach hurt for hours after
• Even if you typically have a strong stomach
• Our team is moving our desks at the call center
• We're not going far
• Moving my desk is a week long project
• How much crap can one person accummulate over 6 years?
• Over 4 cart loads it seems
• But I have every training manual from every class I've ever attended
• I don't know if they are all worth keeping
• I'm printed the pictures of Andriy to bring to karaoke and show Liz and James
• Andriy is always on my mind
• That may be why I had a problem falling asleep last night
• Three hours is a long time to lay in bed trying to clear your mind
• I've been watching movies lately at home
• Not a good plan
• Not good because of the movies I've been drawn to
• Love, Actually
• Princess Bride
• Sleepless in Seattle
• Hitch
• Four Weddings and a Funeral
• Maybe I should switch to the action section of my DVD collection
• Is it too obsessive compulsive to organize my DVD collection by genre
• And then alphabetize it?
• It is very specific
• Comedy
• Disney Animated
• Anime
• Tarantino
• Musicals
• Animated - non-Disney
• Based on comic books
• Based on TV shows
• War
• Based on Real Life People
• Classics
• Westerns
• Scary/Thriller
• Sports
• Based on books
• Drama
• Romanic comedy
• Action
• Television
• It is rather sad that I have over 400 DVDs
• And that I my TV has a five disc DVD player
• Surround sound
• VCR
• PS2
• and N64 attached to it
• And the TV is so old that the remote stopped working 4 years ago
• And needs an adapter to plug in any additional systems to it
• Seems like putting custom rims and custom plates on a Geo Prism
• My stomach still hurts from the food court food
• One of my favorite people at work is retiring this week
• There's a party for him on Wednesday night
• I'm going (duh, right?)
• And I'm out of random crap to post
• Good night!

Reflecting

Funny how the month that I decide to write a post daily happens to align with the time that I have one thing on my mind. How boring. I'm trying very hard not to write about the same subject each and every day - unsuccessful in my humble opinion. Those nights I sit down and try to write a post that is not about the feelings driving me insane are the nights I pull out old high school essays, write about sitting in the dark at work, and random book reviews.

This blog is supposed to be a place where I write out stories about events I've had in life. Situations that were a bit funny or touching, or something at least.

It does seem that every time I try to stop thinking about a certain, insignificant connection recently reestablished, my "logical" mind decides to find another reason to think about it. I wonder if the fact this is on my mind constantly is the reason my team is dipping at work a little. Probably not, but the timing fits with everything else going on.

On my bookshelf, I have a little book called, "The Book of Questions." It's written by Gregory Stock, Ph. D. In it, there are 217 thought-provoking questions (with some follow-up ones). I rarely get past the first one.

The first question posed is, "For a person you loved deeply, would you be willing to move to a distant country, knowing there would be little chance of seeing your friends or family again?" Wow. Really? Really? How did you know to ask?

Sharing my true emotions is not an easy task. It's almost as if my mind, typically residing in logic mode, trips up my words, stunts my speech, and bottles up what I really out to share. I'm going to try to share those feelings here.

Hope. The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. Thats one of the feelings I keep having. Does it sound insane to know, want, and wish for a life with a man who lives almost 5000 miles away (8000 kilometers)? A man who I have spent one month of my life with (out of 337)? A man that I've had contact with three times (each a short span of time with a few emails and chat programs) in the last 8 and a half years?

It's ridiculous. I'm an optimist, sure, but this? Holy crap. That's a test of optimism. How the hell will this ever work out? As for the question the book presents, I know my answer. And it doesn't make me feel good.

When is love not enough? It is in songs, movies, books, etc. Surrounded by the belief that love is all we need. Love can conquer all. Nice sentiment, but a bit unrealistic. I looked up the circumference of the earth. A little less than 25,000 miles. I guess he's not half a world away, only a fifth of a world away. That doesn't make it any better.

Blast! I don't even know how to write all I'm feeling. It's like my mind is a jumbled mess, trying to make it a logical thought process and all I can really come up with quickly is, "A memenah ma me him." Why do I feel the need to turn into a bubblering idiot? That frustrates me. It almost angers me that there is someone out there who can make me feel like this. Yeah, angry. Angry because I want him in my life so badly and it can't happen so I have a constant stuggle to make sense of it all.

Another question in the book, in the follow-up section, poses this, "Is it better to have dreams that will never come to pass or to have no dreams at all? How much better would your life be if the things you dream of doing or having were granted to you?" I don't know that answer. But it seems to be what is kicking around in my brain.

This post, or desperate attempt to clear my head, is not working as I want it to. I'm still faced with questions, still struggling with emotions, and still checking my emailfifteen times a day, hoping for the familiar address to show up.

It's torture. Not like pins under the fingernails torture, but emotional torture. I'm sure most people have a way to identify with this feeling. It's frustration. Frustration for what we can't remedy, what we can't change, what we can't do.

Gar! At times like this, I resort to speaking like a pirate. It's because nothing else I can say seems to fit.

More on this topic to come. I hope I don't drive everyone away.

Descriptive Essay, ca. 1996

My junior year of high school, I took a creative writing class. One of our assignments was to write a descriptive essay. Being the bowler that I was, I wrote about daily practice. Since I'm at a loss of anything else to write tonight, I bring you that essay.

First of all, as I walk into the bowling alley, sounds come from all over, sights blaze around me, and I have a feeling of a good time to come. When I go to practice, my team and I always have a blast. Although our coach wants us to behave and concentrate, we never do. I believe that practice is a time for fun, a time to socialize, and a time to make lifelong friends.

Practice begins when I sit down and take off my beat up, old, comfortable Nikes. They are quickly thrown under the seats, while I take my clean, well-laced bowling shoes out of my bowling bag. I put them on, then am aware of everything I step into or near for the next hour or so. If I had taken that muc care of the Nikes, they would still be presentable. My faithful, old Brunswick shoes have outlived four or five pairs of street shoes. Afer my shoes are securely laced, I take my heavy purple ball, with "Brooksie" engraved into its outer core, and place it on the ball return racks. Then again, I throw my bright purple bowling bag, with its gleaming pink seams, under the chairs to join my street shoes, hidden from the world.

Then I quickly say hello to everyone, and hear everyone answer in their usual manners. To the left a couple of lanes, I hear my friends arguing about rides home, who said what, or plainly what they did wrong on the last ball. The coach comes over and screams at them about no horseplay. Everyone quiets down for about a minute, then it is back to the fun. Our team's best player, our anchor, is stepping up to the line and throwing his all-powerful curve, which smashes into the pocket sending all ten pins packing. He turns and it is obvious he is ecstatic. After we hi-five him, it is my turn.

As I position myself, aiming directly for the pocket, I hold my fourteen pound ball at my side. I walk slowly and steadily, bringing it back high above my head. I speed up a little towards the foul line, bending low so I can release the ball on the line and not drop it on my foot. It flies down the lane, speeding faster than I do driving down the highway, to be abruptly stopped by the towering pins. But the ball drives through, only slowing slightly as it knocks the pins over. I grin, standing gracefully after my release, and walk off the approach to get congratulated by my team and receive pats on the back. Calls of "Good shot" and "Man, that was pretty" come from all sides. Hoots and hollers come from the next lane, as yet another friend bowls well. Only this time it is a split that is picked up. He comes over and congratulates me and I tell him the same.

Soon it is time to leave for the evening. Everyone packs up their things, and I take off my shoes and put them away next to my ball in the bag. My old Nikes return to my feet, ready for travel. I say good-bye to my friends, telling many of them to call so we can continue our conversations, the one s that the coach shouldn't overhear, and talk of when the next practice is and who is going to be there. Some may call it bowling, but I call it a piece of my life.

Interviewing Tips #3

If there is something nice to be said about interviewing for entry level positions, it is that the process can be quite entertaining. Sometimes I think I've seen and heard it all. Then I find another new surprise. Bad interviews, while a waste of time, are a bit like a present. There are moments where you are able to say, "Oh! I didn't expect that."

With that said, tonight's newest interview tip is about the thought process. It should be internal. The candidate tonight was doing much of her thinking outloud.

For example, when asked a question about sales experience, she looks away, drifting, and said, "Should I use an example from Company A or Company B? I've already told her about Company A a lot so maybe I should go with Company B. I'll go with Company B." Then she looks up and at me. "When I was at Company B..."

There were some other odd moments and strange responses, but the "loud thinking" is probably what was the most detrimental.

As an added bonus, here is a resume tip: Don't use bubble font. Unless you are applying for some sort of creative design job, funky fonts are not appealing. And if you are applying for a creative design job, generic bubble fonts are not going to cut it. Please pick a font that is easy to read and doesn't make the recruiter/hiring manager recoil in horror.

Now, for something completely different

A few weeks ago, I was out shopping with Sarah. We were strolling through the book section of this particular retail store and as usual I lingered in the Stephen King section, wondering if there would be a story I've missed or one that grabs at me. I really should read more authors and I should read more often, however; I tend to gravitate towards SK. He was the first author I liked growing up and that's stuck with me.

As we were standing there, I noticed, "Eyes of the Dragon," on the shelf. This is one of my favorite stories of all time. SK wrote it for his daughter when she was younger - it is not graphic or scary. Amazingly enough, it is a fantasy story and I usually don't like sci-fi or fantasy.

When I was little, my mom used to read this story to me. It was published in 1988, so I must have been 9 or 10 when she read it aloud to me. I remember curling up on the couch, wrapped up in this soft, lime green blanket and just getting lost in the story. Prince Peter, the main character, was most likely the first fictional character I fell in love with. Flagg, that evil magician (and DM's fake boyfriend - long story and I'll find the link someday), was the first real "good" bad guy that I judge all future villians against.

The story is about two princes, one meant to be king who is wrongfully imprisoned and one who is weak that ends up ruling. The evil magician is behind the plot and it is a story of amazing escape.

The plot is actually very simple. It is an easy read, nothing that you're going to get tripped up reading and stuck for months on end. What I love about the book, and the author's style, is that whether reading or being read the story, I feel like I'm being told a story. It's not work trying to determine the hidden message behind the words. There's no assignment behind the plot (I hated that about English classes). It grabs at me and I've been listening to Sarah tell me about her reactions every few days and remembering what it felt like to hear the story for the first time.

I think I'm going to take a bit of time to lose myself in the story again.

Election Day

Polls are closed, the votes are (mostly) in, and the results are full of ups and downs.

I wore my "I Voted" sticker with pride today, well aware of the fact that my voting area would most likely sway the same direction as my votes. I'm happy that the Senate race went in favor of the Democrat (the other guy reminded many I know of a child molestor - you know that vibe) and I'm glad to hear the news reports that the House went to the Democrats.

I'm liberal, but I'm not necessarily with the Democratic party. I tend to prefer the Independents, but sometimes feel it is a wasted vote. Not in my district, but Minneapolis did a tiered voting system. People were allowed to pick their choices. If their first candidate didn't get enough votes to win, their second choice would receive their votes. I kind of like this idea - gives the Independent and Green parties a fighting chance. People don't feel that they are wasting a vote.

This woman won the House seat in another nearby district. She's the first female Republican (from our state I think - maybe nationally) to win. I wish I could have voted in that district to pick the other candidate. I have a few friends who refer to her as "Crazy Eyes." You know the type - when they speak there is nothing in the eyes. It's quite stunning that she won - her campaign was an attack against the other candidate, stating that the other candidate was against families and that candidate was one of the key supporters and contributors to creating the Amber Alert system. I'm surprised by these results.

In the past ten years, I've voted on all the even years. I'm going to admit, I don't make it to the polls in the off years, unless I know a bit more about the city council positions. I turned 18 a week before the elections in 1996, so I'm a bit proud of the fact I voted in a major election where Bush was not picked.

Minnesota reelected a Republican governor. This state is getting more and more conservative. It's hard to believe that the (only?) state to vote against Reagan is now in question when it comes to swaying "Red." One used to be able to say that a Minnesota Republican was still more liberal than an Arizona Democrat. Not so much anymore.

I'm sad to hear that Wisconsin passed a ban on marriage act. Just drives me mad to think that so many people want to limit the rights of Americans. I'll never understand why there is blind hatred out there. Who does it hurt, really, to have a same sex couple? Honestly. This country has people who seem to always find the need to pick a group to discriminate against. The entire arguments against equal rights for homosexuals is religious in nature, heavily influenced by Christianity. This country has a history of discriminating against Native Americans, blacks, women, and the disabled. Right now, the group in the hot seat is gays. What is next? With all the talk about illegal immigrants, I would predict Hispanics, although the heavy religious right influence is probably going to try to bully all other religions - Muslims come to mind here. When does it stop? For a country founded on equal rights, freedom of religion, freedom of speech, and separation of church and state, we don't seem to be headed in the right direction.

As I typed earlier, election day had its ups and downs. Small victories here; defeats there.

I wonder what the history books will write about this time. What perspective will be taken?

Quick Post

I'm leaving the house in about 10 minutes to go vote. Have you gotten to the polls yet (if you're in America)?

It is interesting to note that this year's voting is such a hoopla, considering it's not a presidential election year. We have a chance to voice our opinions, have a chance to demand change (or keep the current if that's what you wish).

I will be wearing my "I voted" sticker proudly. How about you?

Back to our regularly scheduled programming

In the spirit of NoBoPoMo (or whatever the abbreviation is), here's my Monday post.

Not much to write about. I've become addicted to this computer game called Oasis. It's rather simplistic, but I'm addicted none-the-less.

Today is another lazy day. The fact I don't work on Mondays is quite nice. I slept late, played Oasis, went to my dad's to finish some laundry, and am now relaxing at home.

And this is what I keep thinking of, knowing that I shouldn't because it is getting hopes up. Realistically speaking - this is never going to pan out well. Too bad I can't stop thinking of him.

Here's a picture of him.

I replied

After a couple of days worrying about how to respond to the email I received from Andriy, worried that it would sound like:

Dear Andriy,

Blah ba gar da anhuoasnayha

Always,

Beth

I finally came up with a response. I'm trying to figure out if it sounds over the top and I'm not sure I care if it does. This is crazy. I know I'm not going to move to Ukraine. I know he's not going to move here. This is not going to work. Duh. Yet... There is still a part of me screaming to get on a plane RIGHT NOW and go there. Who cares if it costs more than I can afford? Who cares if I don't speak any of the language (take that back - I can say "chicken" in Ukrainian. Just to irritate DM. That will get me far. And sure, DM and I got through Portugal knowing, "Bacon," but that's not the same. Poultry is not pork. See? There is relevance there. I'm not sure where, but it's there.)

Okay, so back to the point. I replied. It's full of endearment and doesn't send any negative signals, but it doesn't come right out and say, "You are the most perfect man I think I will ever meet and I want you to move to America so I can be with you always." Because that would sound crazy.

I wrote to him how I was happy to hear from him and how I was sorry I never sent an email, thinking he didn't want to talk to me (which, apparently, he did). I congratulated him on his promotion at work and asked some questions about what he does. I briefly touched upon his failed marriage - not prying but offering a listening ear anytime he felt inclined to talk about it. He asked to pay for this computer battery that I shipped (because his computer failed after he got it) and I (read: SUCKER) told him not to worry about it. Honestly, I wrote that off quite some time ago and I don't worry about it.

I told him I want to visit him. I don't know how, I don't know when, but my belief that someday is stronger. I also invited him to visit here anytime he wants - jokingly suggesting immigration.

He asked for pictures and instead of sending him the link to my Flickr account (not quite ready for him to read my blog or see all the pictures), I sent him a few pictures that I didn't hate. A few were from Portugal. One is from January 2006 and the other from last year. All have been my profile picture. Funny how that works. I told him that I went to Portugal, but not too many details. Hopefully this round of contact will last longer and there will be plenty of time to share those stories.

I complimented him on the pictures he sent me. Yes, there is still an attraction there. He looks older, but that's not a bad thing. I asked questions about his life, hoping to prompt him to write me more and more. Each email does bring me joy - even if it is tortured joy. I told him about school and work and how I go out with friends many nights a week. Then I told him how much his letters mean to me and that I look forward to his reply.

Oh, did I mention that it took me a couple days to reply and since he hadn't heard from me, he forwarded his email again? I guess he's anxious to hear from me. Damn, that touches me too.

Someone out there is laughing at me. This is just torture. This is a bit too long-distance for me. And yet, I can't stop thinking about him. Even without hearing from him for three years, I never stopped thinking of him.

Half a World Away and Still Able to Surprise Me

A week ago, I turned 28. On that day, I opened my AOL email account, an account I use infrequently (since switching to gmail and a school account) but maintain because it is the one I've had the longest. I was stunned to find an email from Andriy (fake name in the original post) and wrote a quick blurb about it on this site. There was some nice comments, sentiments that made me smile. I know that Andriy is a man I'll never forget. I know that all men I've met since have been compared to him (rarely standing up to him).

I wrote the phrase, "He's happly married, working hard, and making a life for himself." Well, I guess I jumped the gun a bit. The last I had heard, he was married, working hard, and making a life for himself. I assumed the bit about, "happily."

Last night, right before bed, I pulled up my email again and found another message from him (as well as some other emails I need to respond to). He was able to shock me again. I was expecting more news that would make my stomach hit the floor - something along the lines of, "My wife and I are now the proud parents of 2.5 children who are absolutely beautiful and the center of our world." You know, something that just proves that there is no chance, how little, in the world that I should hold onto.

What I did not expect was the line, "As to my family, it broke apart even not a year of living together." Oh, great. He's divorced (or had the marriage annulled - I'm not sure of details).

Okay, I can deal with this. It's still absurd to get my hopes up over a man that I spent 4 weeks with 8 1/2 years ago when I was 19. It's crazy.

The rest of the email contains bits and pieces (coherent, and utterly adorable broken English) about the computer battery I had helped him purchase and shipped to Ukraine. He gives a solid reason for not contacting me for the last three years. As it turns out, his laptop fell shortly after getting the battery and broke into pieces, unrepairable, and the hard drive (where my email address was) was completely destroyed. Then he spent the last three years searching the Internet for my email address (okay - so he's not a detective and this took too long - I will give him the benefit of the doubt here in the fact that my name is pretty common). He did offer an apology for losing contact. He wrote, "I was looking for any possible information about you via Internet. But it was all no result. I lost any hope to find you."

Then, just randomly surfing Yahoo, he looked for my name and included my state. He found a genealogy site for a program that I haven't used in years but had my oldest email account, one that I've considered getting rid of but never quite did, listed on it. He wrote about how he was happy and lucky. Between the two sentences, there are 19 exclamation points (I did not count them until James made a joke about counting them, so there.) He was obviously happy to fin me.

He's been promoted at work, vice governor of his state. (Because that's not impressive - no, not at all. Bah!) He's quite passionate about his work, having finished law school.

Oh, and then there is the part where he asks me to come to Ukraine, anytime I want. He wrote, "It would be nice if you could come to Ukraine, whenever you want - I'll be happy to see you here." Sure, when's the next flight? Ha, ha, ha. Someone is laughing out there, right? You should. It's funny. Because it is driving me insane.

He sent me three photos of himself. He wants me to send him a picture of me (I may just send him my Flickr account address - plenty of pics there with easier upload/download times). And he is "looking forward to [my] answer."

I have no clue what to write to him. How does, "Baha blkah knjahkn nanabyada ebada, Always, Beth" sound? Because that's what is going through my mind.

Don't get hopes up - this is what I keep telling myself. It is crazy to think that this would ever work out. I'm not moving to Ukraine and I can't honestly think he would move to Minnesota and give up what I'm not prepared to leave behind. And who knows, I'm probably reading into all of this too much. Maybe he's just a rose-colored glasses memory. Maybe he's just dedicated to maintaining contacts in his life. There's an ocean between us. We were both 19 when we knew each other. We've both grown and changed in a million ways.

And I still see him in my mind's eye walking down that ramp to the airplane, turning back one last time for a final glance.

"And what did you do on your vacation?"

The past two days have been filled with this question. I leave work for more than 3 days and everyone seems to figure I left the country. (Okay, a trip to Portugal and a trip to Canada later, and this is the reputation I get.) Actually, last week was just a week to relax. I finished up hell my finance II class and am patiently awaiting my grade. An "A+" is probably not on the transcript for this one, but I should fair at least a "B." If I receive a decent score on the last individual paper and the team paper, I may even pull an "A-." I did not try quite as hard the last couple of days, knowing that I only need a "C" to get the reimbursement from work and knowing that I do not plan on ever pursuing a career in this type of finance.

On vacation, I slept late every day. I stayed up all hours of the night, getting into the habit of being awake at 7 or 8 am most nights. Oops. But it worked for me. I'm a complete night owl, enjoying the stillness of the dark. For some reason, I actually sleep better when the sun is up and appreciate the fact that I don't have to squint in the daylight that often. Maybe that is why I do prefer winter to summer. Sure, it's cold, but I can bundle up.

Karaoke was on the agenda four of the nights of vacation. I went up on the first Sunday, without DM. She was not feeling well. The bar has been completely empty on Sundays and I just sat, writing in my notebook (a post to come, none-the-less) waiting for James and Liz to arrive. After karaoke, I went with them to Bryan and Liz's house to play with their dog, Theo, and watch classic alternative music videos on VH1 Classics. VH1 Classics reminded me of being in Portugal, visiting Johnny, with DM. We had quite a few giggles over the thankfully gone fashions.

The bar was also where I went on Wednesday night and Thursday night. On Wednesday, I was just wanting to visit with Angie Ang. She and Sara were there and so was this woman named Barb. Barb was friendly, overly as such, and wanted to invite us all over to her house the first night we all met. I didn't go. I'll mention Thursday night in a bit.

Sunday was another night of karaoke, this time with DM. Again, it was dead in the bar. Unlike the last three weeks, there were no awkward moments when the boy, Pete, Guru, and their new friend, Mullet Man, arrived. We've been steering clear of this particular group, realizing that the boy only appeared smart because of who he was with. Here's a thought - if you KNOW that you don't like tequila, you don't feel well after drinking it, and you hate it, then you don't HAVE to drink it. That's not hard to determine. Bah! But back to this past Sunday. We were listening to Bryan's CDs play, just relaxing and waiting for Liz and James when this softball team showed up. Unfortunately, the "leader" of this group is a woman that neither DM or I can stand. It's not that she's a bad singer - in fact she can sign pretty well, it's just that she's so arrogant and tends to strut around the bar thinking that everyone should worship her. I wouldn't care that much, except for the fact she's rude in other ways. One night she came very close to burning half the bar (including me) with her cigarettes that she didn't pay any attention to in her flailing arms and she never claps. Not even for her friends. Rude.

But then James, Liz, and Dean showed up. I was happy to see Dean who DM and I haven't seen in a couple of months. He's a good guy and always makes us smile. We had a great conversation with everyone and headed back to my place.

Also on vacation, I went to dinner with my dad on Tuesday to Moe's, a supperclub/sports bar near our homes. They make a terrific blackened cajun porkchop - not too hot but full of flavor and it is sauteed instead of grilled so it retains the moisture. Yum! On Thursday, I went to Olive Garden with my mom and Scott. Friday was a night out at Manny's with Liz, Bryan, James, Char, Tom, and of course DM! It was a week of eating.

On Saturday, DM and I visited my mom and Scott at her house. Mom got a ton of new furniture and redid the family room. Looks very nice and I'll post some pictures at some point. I need to upload the images from my camera to the computer. We socialized with them for awhile and then headed back to my place for scrapping. Friday night was spent at home, with Sarah visiting. DM and I also scrapbooked (verbifying that word!) on Saturday, Sunday, and part of Monday. My road trip to Canada album is coming along nicely and I'll probably be done before the end of the year. There's a nice feeling when you know you'll be done with a project before undertaking the next one.

Thursday night was karaoke at the Chalet again. It was my birthday and although I tried to keep it pretty low-key, I was still surrounded by friends. Char and Tom stopped up early to visit with DM and I. Steve and Katie (his roommate) showed up and Sarah was not far behind. Liz and James also arrived. Sarah got me a bag full of scrapbooking supplies - she is so sweet! It was a great gift and has already been broken out. DM and I kept commenting all weekend about how thoughtful the gift was and how well she knew me.

The only other thing I really did on vacation was to go to Perkins a couple of nights and help Sarah with her accounting homework. She's taking classes and accounting is not a subject she's highly interested in and since it was my major at some point back in the day, I can help her out with some basic accounting.

Oh, on Monday I had to head to the DMV to get the tabs for my car and then DM and I went to Super Target. I bought groceries. This is a random event for me. Now my fridge is stocked and I've even brought lunch to work. With this training that I'm running and the fact our center needs to hire three team leads, Steve and I are finding it difficult to find time to meet for lunch. When the team saw I had a sandwich, yogurt, cheese sticks, and a granola bar today, they about fainted! Steve and Sarah both asked me if I felt okay. Maybe I'll save a bit of money by bringing my lunch now. It saves time at least. The only real downside is that I haven't been able to meet with Steve this week about the team.

Well, off to relax again. I do enjoy the fact I'm not in school right now.

Return

The vacation didn't prompt me to write multiple posts daily and I still didn't get caught up on reading blogs, but now that that awful finance class is over, I find myself liking my computer again. Just in time for that blogging month where you're supposed to post daily, write a novel, or at least comment daily on other blogs. I'm going to try two of these - meaning my goal for the month is to get back into the habit of writing nightly (which completely helps decrease my stress level) and commenting monthly. My attempts at a novel have been far between and lacking.

I have a plan for writing nightly. A few stories (posts) that I have in mind are:
Juvenille Delinquent?
Birthday photos
What I Did on My Summer Autumn Vacation
An essay about bowling

That should get me through the first week of this thing at least.

Returning to work today was actually welcomed. As much fun as I had last week, there was something nice about getting back to work and seeing my team. Steve looked relieved to have me back in the office and I got some really nice welcomes from the team. Steve did not get the supervisor job he had applied for (bummer) but I had a decent conversation with the hiring manager to find out how to set Steve up for the next position. As I believed all along, he's a good candidate and if he keeps up his work habits, gets out in front of more people, and gives it a little bit more time, he'll be looking at a future position with the company.

Today (as in October 31 - not November 1 as the post shows) marked the start of my project training new bankers at night. Turns out only one of the possible four accepted the position and I was prepared for a larger group. I'm only training one guy now, but he's a great trainee. I actually interviewed him right before vacation and we were able to get him into this class. Quite nice. He's really smart and if first day impressions are correct, we'll be flying through the training. In fact, we were able to complete the four hour session planned in an hour. I don't think this is going to be quite the huge time commitment I orignally planned. Which is nice, because I'll have more time for my team.

Speaking of my team, it does make me feel good to walk in and have them all look so happy to see me. One guy, our resident goofball, made it a point to stop by at the end of the night just to talk for 10 minutes. He usually dives out the door (a joke about being the first one out) and he stuck around to walk out with Sarah and I. I was told multiple times that I'm not allowed to go on vacation again. Steve may have used the phrase, "You ditched me!"

I'm off now to read a few blogs before bed. I'm returning to the blogging community.

Voice From the Past

Early this week, via the Internet, contact was made. I was shocked, surprised, and stunned. If there was one person I thought I would never hear from again. It has been a long time since I heard from him and the sight of the message made my stomach drop.

My first thought was happiness at seeing the message. I figured the message would be filled with reasons and an explanation. In fact, it was simple.

Although I feel a bit of sadness about the history between us, I can still hold onto the happy times and wish him every bit of happiness. He's happily married, working hard, and making a life for himself. I'm not part of that life and that is sad, but I also accept what life threw at me. I'll remember the wonderful times. I'll remember the nights of laughter and smiles.

He wrote, "If you remember me," and all I want to reply is, "How could I forget?"

I do still care. He still touches my heart.

Vacation So Far

The past few days off have been nice and relaxing. I have done a whole lot of nothing. Sunday was spent at my dad's and then at the Chalet. After the bar closed, I was invited over to Bryan and Liz's place. On Monday, I did a ton of homework and met Sarah at Perkins. Tuesday was dinner with my dad at Jake's - a great restaurant nearby that serves a delicious blackened cajun pork chop. Then it was Perkins again. Tonight, I went to karaoke to visit Angie-Ang and Sara.

Thursday's plans include:
Dinner with Mom and Scott
Karaoke with the whole gang

I was thinking about an old friend today. When I was little, my friend, Jason, and I were inseperable. It was his birthday on Wednesday. I wonder how he is doing. I hope he's well. College hit both of us and we drifted, but we're also still friendly when we run into each other. I heard he got married a few years back.

Thursday is going to be a lot of fun. I'm looking forward to seeing all my friends at the bar. Even a few friends from work are coming up to the bar.

This was meant as just a short post to show I'm still around. I'll be visiting blogs over the next few days.

Me Can Account

Final grades were mailed out for my financial analysis for managers 1 class. Thought I'd share the grade of the class that I hated with a passion.

Your Grade:

Week One: 12/12 points = 100% = A
Week Two: 17/17 = 100% = A
Week Three: 22/22 = 100% = A
Week Four: 22/22 = 100% = A
Week Five: 27/27 = 100% = A

Final Grade: 100% = A

Comments from the teacher:

Text Exercises and Problems: Your answers showed a level of understanding that portrays an overall understanding of the concepts.
Comments: You did a nice job on your ethics article review. I have no additional improvements to suggest.
You did a GREAT job in this class!! Good luck to you!!

Yea. Now I hope to do as well in financial analysis for managers 2. This week's topic: overdraft fees. I can barely contain my excitement.

Stream of Consciousness (Did you know that Blogger actually limits how long your title can be?)

I don't want to call this post "Life Update" so I think I'm going to go with Stream of Consciousness induced by two days of being sick and couped up in my apartment

The past two days I have called in sick to work. Don't be alarmed, it's nothing major but still, work was not the place for me to be. I've slept badly the past three nights and I'm hoping I get a better set of winks tonight. I have to work tomorrow, my team has a meeting. I'm also sure the emails have flooded my inbox and that my desk is buried in paperwork. A project that I want rolled out by October 1 is on the list of priorities. Steve's back from vacation and I've spoken to him twice on the phone, telling him I wouldn't be there, but I haven't got to ask him how his trip was. Yuck.

Besides the bad sleep, I've felt yuck around my abdomen, which is why I haven't slept well. I'm going no farther to explain.

Sitting at home, staring at walls, drives be absolutely crazy. Once in awhile, I'll get a boost of energy and at least have been fairly productive during those bursts. I've reorganized one of my hall closets (things actually fit now - no more spilling out into the hallway!), emptied some boxes for DM to use in moving (read as cleared up my living room quite a bit), and organized my scrapping area. Besides DM's piles of stickers and paper set haphazardly, it looks pretty good. When DM comes over this weekend, she'll be pleasantly surprised at the room in that area.

I have been in the process of getting rid of piles and piles of excess scrapbooking magazines (parts without layout ideas) and hauled quite a few bags of garbage to the dumpster. There was a bad moment when one of the bags ripped open in the lobby and I had to run back upstairs to get more bags and then pick up random bits of paper. It's all that odd cardstock/shiny stuff and I don't have a place to recylce it here. Bah! At least when the bag ripped it wasn't full of rotten food and liquid.

About the only interesting (and that's debatable) part of these past two days was when my cell phone started beeping to tell me someone text messaged me. It was not a person I expected. Although, I should have because it's been a few months since he called. I only know one person who would ever send a message stating, "Yo yo how are you? doing" It's just great being in someone's little black book phone. Give it 6 more months and I'll hear from him again. He's in that stage of his life that I would refer to as the "job hopping stage." Former banker he now boasts working in sales for a construction company. A year ago, he was closing on mortgages for meth addicts. I think this new job is a step up. Maybe. The conversation over text message was kept rather short and he pretty much caught me up on his life. I didn't offer any info on mine.

I found an Amazon.com gift certificate that I had and used it. To accidentally purchase a DVD set I already own. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I think the stress finally got to me. In my defense, I had originally planned on purchasing the item from Amazon with this certificate and then bought it in a store because I didn't have it. When I checked out online, I forgot to remove it from my cart. Damn.

I'm thinking about doing another post tonight for thirteen Thursday. I'm thinking. If you see it, I did it. How's that for a deal?

What does one do with 300+ floppy disks for an "A" drive when the last four computers that person has owned has not been compatible? I suppose I could purchase an external "A" drive and see what is actually on these disks, but I doubt the files are not even compatible to my system. Well, I suppose I can do the same thing with the disks that I've done for the last 8 years: put them back in a box at the bottom of the closet.

At one point in time, I thought that saving every single plastic bag that scrapping supplies came in would prove useful. What was useful was the actual mass organization system that I bought. Say goodbye to little plastic bags. I did.

I have no idea My father is a pack rat. That's where I got this problem I seem to have. Going through things the past two days, I have found more stuff that I thought I might need someday, you know, if the world was destroyed and I'd be forced to live in my apartment with no option to leave for thirteen years. Besides only having about a month's worth of toilet paper, I have enough supplies to entertain myself and keep myself smelling nice and fresh for years. The closet seemed to have 5 bottles of lotion (which I can't stand to put on), 3 bottles of body spray, 22 bottles of nail polish, 15 eye liner pencils, four boxes of bandages, 3 boxes of jewelry, over 100 scrunchies, and at least 7 bottles of hair goo. Now, I use the same three scrunchies over and over, rarely wear jewelry, and wear make up about once a year. The bandages seem to be the most useful things in the closet. ARGH! Don't get me started on my kitchen cupboards. No one ever needs 8 cans of creamed corn.

At my dad's on Monday, I found a box from my college days. In it was a 3-ring binder containing EVERY SINGLE report I wrote during my grade school years. Just in case I ever need to show someone the report I wrote on a Mary Higgins Clark book in the 7th grade.

I am pretty sure this is a disease people. And it is genetic. Because I do have in my possession a report my dad wrote in the 4th grade about outer space. Before men walked on the moon. Yep, that's my family.

Speaking of my family, I got a bit of news recently. My grandfather (I've known about this for awhile actually but haven't mentioned it) has some form of cancer and has been going in for chemo. 99.9% of cases like his, caught when his was caught, are cured. So, besides his boredom of being hooked up to a machine for a few hours and having his already thin hair fall out, not much is different. Except the fact that my grandmother now drives him to and from the hospital. That's where my whole family is worried. This woman got stuck on a cloverleaf for over 20 minutes one time because she doesn't know how to merge. I hope she's taking side streets.

My cousin, Chris, has been going in for dialysis for a few years now. He's decided it is time to go back on the list for a kidney donor. I got an email that said something about a bovine implant for a stint? I think that's right. Interesting. I like Chris. He really is a good guy.

His brother, and also my cousin, Matt sold his house and made quite a bit of profit on it. Good for him I guess. He needs something happy. I say this because his wife left him for another man, twenty years her senior. He's got two kids and I've met one of them. I happened to be in Waterloo the day that kid was born. I tend to forget their names. This is absolutely terrible! I was going through pictures and remembering what it was like to actually spend time with this side of my family. They were cool when I was little. Now I like my aunt, Diane, and my cousin, Chris.

Months ago, I purchased, "The Colorado Kid," an audio book written by Stephen King. I bought it because I love Stephen King and hadn't seen the book in stores. I listened to it today. It's a mystery, no horror, from the master of storytelling. It was pretty good and I could definitely tell it was a King story.

My next class has started. Finance Part Deux. This one will actually get into present value tables and I'm not looking forward to it. Final grades for the first torture session class have not been distributed yet, but unless I got marked down during the last week, I should come away with an "A". I was at 100% at the end of week 4. I slammed the slackers idiots my former group members in the evaluation. I only consider that fair since I pretty much wrote all the papers and had to edit them too. I hate them all. I still hate them all. (By the way, this is meant to be funny. While they did nothing, I am done with the class and ready to let it go. Unlike the grudge I still hold over my cousin James for his provoking me when I was 8 or 9, causing me to lose patience with him after 20 minutes, hitting him with the heel of a stilleto in his arm, which my mom made me apologize for and make him a sandwich. He deserved it! Ellen even said so. Bah! See, the group members are getting off easy. They're just getting a grade higher than that of what they deserve.)

Well, that's enough rambling for tonight. I have decided not to complete a Thirteen Thursday post. Call it laziness, call it deciding that I am going to have something of content on this site again soon. One of these days. Maybe in 2008.

Sizzling

Back in August, DM and I traveled to a small Wisconsin town to go to the 20th anniversary party for my aunt/godmother and uncle. In 1986, I was the flower girl in the wedding and I do like this part of my family. My mom, her boyfriend, and my cousins, Ellen and Brad, were all going to be there. We had a great time and I've been meaning to post about the trip for some time now.

While I'm still not conscious enough to write up that post (school is killing my brain, just so you know), I do have a few pictures that I put together after the trip. I wanted to share a couple of the campfire my mom & Scott had at their campsite.

I call this one, "Painted Fire."


"Burning."


Also, if you didn't notice (because that would be quite odd not to), I played with my template again. I'm not entirely pleased with it yet, but I did change the colors and messed with the sidebar. I removed some pictures (hopefully to make room for more soon). I also deleted some really old, useless blog links and toys. I also updated my links list. If I missed you, let me know and I'll correct it.

What do you think? I'm still thinking of a new banner. It might get done during my week off of work at the end of October.

Interviewing Tips #2

Conducting interviews is an opportunity to see and hear exactly what a person should and should not do during a job interview. And sometimes, it is quite amusing to witness the mistakes people make during an interview. To share the enjoyment, I am going to start posting examples of what NOT to do during an interview if you do want to impress the interviewer. In a previous post, I wrote:

• Turn off your cellular phone. If you do happen to forget to turn it off, don't take the call.
• Bring in your identification card. Most companies do require some form of identification and some require background checks that require your ID number.
• Speak clearly. Mumbling while interviewing for a phone job does not score you points.
• Use complete sentences. Even if the environment is not professional, act like you are a professional.
• After the interviewer has explained that employees are rated on how quickly they can help customers, do not proceed to take 10 minutes to answer every question. Repeating yourself over and over does not make you look better.
• When you are the one making the interview last for over two hours because you can't shut up, do NOT complain about how long the interview is taking.
• Answer the questions asked. Pulling random facts that do not relate into the answer does not help.
• Researching the company you are interviewing is a good idea. When you only quote the website to the interviewer and offer no concrete examples of how you meet the company's vision, you do not sound like a fit for the job. Research is not the only thing we [interviewers] look at.
• Telling an interviewer that your answer to every challenge is to give the call to a supervisor does not promote you as a competent individual.

If that is not enough, I offer some more/new suggestions:

• You are one person and it is proper to refer to yourself as, "I," or "me." While highly amusing, referring to yourself in third person does not score points. Adding the word "the" in front of your name makes you sound egotistical and/or idiotic. For example, do not use phrases like, "The people like to talk to the Beth because the Beth is a good person and the people like the Beth."
• When asked a question about your skills, answering in numbers makes no sense. For example, if I ask you, "What makes you successful at [activity]?" it is not considered appropriate to answer, "Five and a half." When I ask for clarification, repeating the words, "Five and a half," makes no sense.
• Bringing up the subject of bowel movements is taboo. The interviewer does not care that you called in sick at your last job because you had diarrhea. That's too much information.
• Dress appropriately. If in doubt, overdress for the interview. T-shirts, flip-flops, holy/ripped jeans, and/or baseball caps are never appropriate for a business job.
• When the interviewer asks how many days you feel it is appropriate to call in sick each year, your answer should not be in the twenties. It is also not appropriate (while maybe honest) to tell the interviewer that you would call in just because you didn't feel like coming to work that day.
• Stealing from companies will not get you a job. Telling an interviewer that it is "okay to steal office supplies as long as it isn't cases of them," is not good.
• As for resumes, have someone proofread it for you. Changing your formatting mid-resume is not seen as a plus. Also, unless the job requires a large amount of experience, your resume should remain on one page. No interviewer actually cares if you volunteered for one month at a local club twenty years ago.
• Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 prohibits the discrimination in hiring and employment based on race, color, religion, sex, or national origin. Other laws and regulations (such as Americans with Disabilities Act, Equal Opportunity Act of 1972, and Pregnancy Discrimination Act of 1978) also protect applicants from discrimination based on disabilities, chance of pregnancy, age, and veteran status. Employers cannot inquire about these statuses during an interview. Don't bring them up. You don't need to tell me about your children, spouse, church, what country you or your ancestors came from, how you want to get pregnant, how you have physical or mental disabilities, or that you served in a war. I can't acknowledge it or use it in my decision.
• Show up on time. Why is this so hard? If it is a phone interview and the interviewer is calling you, be near your phone. Don't let it go unanswered.
• Don't trash talk your former employer. Yes, I know you left for a reason. Be considerate because they did pay you and did allow you to work there. If you had problems with your last boss, that's fine. It's better to say, "There was a personality conflict," or "We had communication issues," than to say, "My boss yelled at me all the time." That makes me think you had performance problems.
• Most of all, the interviewer is appreciative of your time coming in to interview. Be courteous of their time too.

Some of these tips are funny and some are just common sense, but then, not everyone has common sense.

The Beth is now tired and the Beth thinks it may be time for the Beth to go to the bed. Have a 5 1/2 night.

It's like opening a present, listening to an anticipated album and discovering new favorites

My favorite band is Barenaked Ladies. While I love many styles of music, this band of Canadians have humo(u)r, spirit, caring, intelligence, and life in all of their music. There is not an album of theirs that I have not enjoyed, have not listened to a million times. Today, their 9th group album has been released. The album is called, "Barenaked Ladies are Me," or "BLAM."

I paid for the album a few weeks ago, being notified of the great deal through emails from the band (fan club alert!) and was thrilled to see it download in iTunes. By getting the pre-order, I was able to get the deluxe version at a discounted rate. Good music and a good deal! Heaven!

This post is a pure endorsement for a band that tries anything to reach fans. They have worked hard to develop an album they can be proud of and one that is sent to fans in anyway. A couple of years ago, they released a holiday album. To jump on the technology and mp3 era, the band released a version of the album on a jump drive, complete with a couple videos and random live tracks. How cool! I bought one even though I already had a jump drive (keychain drive, pen drive, use any terminology but it is basically a USB storage device) and already had most of the songs on the "album".

The band also records their concerts and allows them for download. I've bought a couple of the concerts, including the one that DM and I went to in Vegas. If you get a chance to see them perform, take it! The live show is awesome, full of energy, laughs, ad libs, and emotion. Tour dates for this upcoming tour are found here and I'm thrilled to see that the band is playing in Saint Paul on a Sunday! It may mean showing up late for karaoke, but I want to go. DM, do you want to go? I'm serious about this one. Consider it what I want for my birthday. I want to spend a night out at this concert. Ask Keem. The show is Sunday, November 19th and it is at the Excel Energy Center.

This album is produced by BNL and BNL alone. This was their project, no record label putting fingers in the pot. I do recommend a listen and if you like it, support the band!

The tracks are as follows:

Adrift - Ed Robertson sings this song about how things do not feel right anymore. "Your heart's got a heavy load, you've still got a long way to go, keep your eyes on the road." The lyrics make me think of a lost person, trying to discover themselves again in a world that has changed.

Bank Job - Ed sings this one. It starts slow but feels like it should speed up as Ed narrates a story through song. It doesn't speed up, but the bridge has more melody driving the song. "I was the driver, you ran the show, you had the last word, I knew every ..." It's seriously about robbing a bank that was full of "nuns." Plans gone wrong? It is funny.

Sound of Your Voice - Strong guitar intro. This song has an older rock feel. Steven Page (how I love him) sings this one. "How I miss waking up to the sound of your voice." It's got a good beat and you could dance to it.

Easy - The first single released from the album and a video has already been compiled for this song. The video goes through fairy tales and has a "Monty Python" cut-out feel to it. This is an Ed track and I can see why it was released as the first single of the album. This song is more folk rock sounding.

Home - Steven sings this one, soft and relaxing. "Where does the heart reside if not where I lay my head, I could run but I'm petrified, but choose this instead, again, again, again." "That's when I knew I was home."

Bull in a China Shop - The fun, campy song of BNL. "I'm a tired old metaphor for everything you can't afford, for everything you can't afford to be." It's an upbeat, quick song with Stephen singing. "I can't hear a thing because I stopped listening." "I'm the reason I don't go out." "If you lived here, you'd be home by now. If you still lived here, you'd be home now with me!"

Everything Had Changed - Steve sings this one. I'm just happy every time I hear his voice start a track. It's sick really. There's some good strings in this song (compliments of Jim, I'm sure) and a bit of bluegrass feel. I'm sure that's a banjo going throughout the song, driving the beat. "Then one day, I was not alone, everything had changed, everything was strange..." I like it.

Peterborough and the Kawarthas - Jim sings this one. Jim Kreegan typically plays the bass (not the electric kind, but the large stringed instrument). Once in awhile, his voice will show up on a track as the primary singer. While I like the song, I'm usually confused by his songs. This one is no exception. It does have a radio broadcast during the song that makes me wonder if it is a short homage to "We Built this City."

Maybe You're Right - Steve again. Background is mostly synthasized with guitar picking driving a bit of melody. Another soft, sweet tone with a deeper meaning. "Shall I, take back, everything I never said, and live, my whole life, in silence instead?" "There was a time when crying was a crime and now I think I'm losing my mind taking it all to heart." Ed has a large vocal part on this song and the chorus has a round between Ed and Steve. They echo each other, strengthening the song. The break of horns is unexpected and totally awesome to end the song with power.

Take it Back - Nice piano/keyboard track running through the song. This is an Ed-on-vocals track. "If I said something to make you mad, I'll take it back." I do love the line, "Is this a news report or a trailer for a motion picture, it all fades to grey." "Save me from a villianous imagination, deliver me from my friends." The keyboard track really drives the song.

Vanishing - Kevin Hearn has a few songs on this album where he does main vocals. "He's a magician, hoping and wishing, that you're the one vanishing." A bit haunting and yet it fits the feel of the album. The lyrics include a verse about the Bellagio and I wonder if he got the idea at an actual performance of magic.

Rule the World With Love - Steve! "While we were napping, someone else began to rule the world with love." Nice message, "Love will conquer all, one for all ... love and war is won." "Hearts are won, empires fall, and love with love, all is fair in love and war, love for all," are all lines in the song. Pretty and feel good.

Wind it Up - Strong electric guitar and Ed's voice starts this one out. "You've done a lot of yelling pointed at my eardrum ... I'll get back to you once I get my disguise on ... Had it up to here." The lyrics indicate this may be a song about the fights a married couple may have. And from the sounds of it, could be a nasty fight. "If you are leaving, then I wish you luck, I hope someone can make your heart form, I was a baby when I learned to suck, but you have raised it to an artform."

Serendipity - Kevin Hearn sings this track. He's normally the keyboardist but I enjoy it when he sings a song. The fact that there are multiple singers in this band is nice to mix up the tracks, the feelings. This song has a beat that reminds me of a song from Maroon called, "Conventioneers." The lyrics are nowhere close to that song, but the keyboard accompaniment is similar.

Something You'll Never Find - Steven sings this one. Fast paced music and one I'll have to listen to a few hundred times. "You're looking for someone, I'll never be."

One and Only - Another Ed-on-vocals track. Slower than normal for a BNL track. Not sure what I think yet.

Angry People - Steven singing again. This song is campy and upbeat again, but about attitudes and how negative (or angry) people try to drag down those around them, making happy people feel bad for being happy. "We just drag you down until you're just like us." This is the happiest song about negative emotions I think I've ever heard. What else can you expect from a band who wrote a song about shopping to mock the United States view of our economy and how to avoid world issues by spending money?

Down to Earth - Ed sings this upbeat one. "What's more ironic than a hippie in Versace?" "Hey now, wake up and lose the make up ... you really want to show her how she's just so down to earth via satellite."

Beautiful - Ed-on-vocals again. "What if you were not so simply beautiful?" "Hoping it's deeper than skin," this song is a bit jazzy. It's a nice change from the other songs, a different feel, more romantic. I do love how the band is not afraid to have different types of musical influences. The album, "Everything for Everyone," has various styles of music on it, ranging from bluegrass to techno to latin. This band constantly evolves and tries new things much to the enjoyment of the listeners.

Running Out of Ink - Steve has this one. It is quick, jumpy, and fun. "It's bigger than you think, I'm running out of ink, give a guy a break, this is what it takes to drive a man to drink." The lines are delivered as fast bits of information and I do like it.

Half a Heart - Ed again. "Anyone with half a heart would help me out before they let the other half find out ... anyone with half a heart would let me drown."

Maybe Not - Ed blares this one out. It's strongr than he usually sings and I didn't expect that, but I like it. "Maybe you'll forgive the things that I forgot. Maybe you're forgetting all the times we fought. Maybe we should divy up all the things we bought, but maybe not." Sounds like the debate over whether or not a couple should break up. Is it harder to stay together or to split up? Interesting question to ask. The beat of the song is jumpy and I found myself bouncing to the beat.

I Can I Will I Do - I first heard this song as a live track. "You don't think I can love you, but I can and I will and I do." This is a Steven vocal track, always my favorite. While I enjoy Ed's voice quite a bit, there's something about Steven's voice that draws me in. It's probably because of "Break Your Heart," but that's another song and another story.

Fun and Games - Ed sings this one out that starts with the snare drum counting out the beat like you would expect in a military setting. Once the intro passes, the song picks up with electric guitars and then the song breaks out into something you'd expect in "Chicago," the musical. Then back to the regular beat. It sounds like the song is about politics and possibly history or just the fall of a nation. "Who knew this barrel of fun would be a powder keg." Knowing the views of most of the band, this is possibly a slam at the governments of North America.

The New Sad - Steve again! "Everybody knows that happy is the new sad, I'll imitate my dad and never crack a smile again." This song has a bird singing and cooing in it. I'm not entirely sure what to thik of that. The lyrics make me feel this is a song about aging and losing what we all had when we were young. Every BNL album has a song, somewhere on the album, that drives a depressing message. This feels like that song.

Quality - Another Ed-on-vocals track. Not about the quality monitors I deal with at work. Not that I expected that. The lyrics seem to travel around the world, mentioning England and Japan. It also puts every -y word I can think of in it to rhyme. Catchy and cute.

Another Spin - Kevin sings again! How cool! At first, I thought it was going to be a piano bar ditty, but that even makes sense for it to be a Kevin song. The spinning object seems to be a globe.

What a Letdown - Ed sings this one too. It's on the iTunes download, but I didn't see it on the band's site. I've heard this as a live track from one of their concerts (they played various songs in development while touring). My favorite line from this song is, "That might have been funny at twenty but I just turned thirty-two, oh well, what a letdown."

Why Say Anything Nice? - Another Steve song that wasn't listed on the band's site. "Why say anything nice when you can say nothing at all?" I'll have to listen to this one a few times and I'm sure I'm going to love it. It has a fun beat and I do love Steven Page.

*Note: iTunes lists the tracks in a different order than the album on the BNL website. The listing here is in the order from the band's site.

BNL's catalogue of full albums:
1. Gordon
2. Maybe You Should Drive
3. Born on a Pirate Ship
4. Rock Spectacle
5. Stunt
6. Maroon
7. Everything for Everyone
8. Barenaked for the Holidays
9. Barenaked Ladies are Me

Worth mentioning:
Vanity Project (Steven Page solo project)