Monday, August 16, 2004

I'm pretty sure it's my choice in men

The final straw in my dating disastrous life is about a man I met a long time ago.

I was nineteen, just coming home from my first year at college, ready for a long summer of fun with old friends. My parents told me a couple of men would be staying at our home for three weeks to learn about running businesses in a democratic society. The two men were Ukrainian and one was my age.

At first, I was not interested in the fact there would be visitors at our home. I always had fun with the guests. Hosting foreigners is always a learning experience and I learned a lot this time.

Alex was my age. He walked in the front door and I got my first look at him. He was tall, cute in a dorky sort of way, and he smelled great! The thought crossed my mind, 'This might not be so bad after all.' Not that I really thought it would be bad, I just didn't imagine the time to be so good.

Since we were the same age and younger than the other participants by at least 5 years, Alex and I spent a lot of time together. He wanted to see what nineteen-year olds in America did for fun. We went to carnivals, movies, and played pool often.

When others were around, he kept the fact he spoke English low-key. He did not want to be the translator for his group, but he spoke English just fine. Our conversations would go for hours and we laughed all the time.

Alex showed me so much. I was accustomed to diversity before meeting him, however he opened my eyes even more. In knowing him, I learned I could have a great friend in any part of the world. Interests are common and nationalities, races, religion, or any other difference doesn't mean much on an individual level. It's too bad that governments can't see this and the regular guy is always the one who has to deal with the ego-maniacs in charge.

I introduced him to country music. This is odd, since I'm not a country fan. He loved Garth Brooks music. We watched movies together. I think his favorite during the visit was Men in Black. He would walk around saying, "I'm ze best of ze best of ze best!" Okay, I thought it was incredibly cute.

Alex was the perfect man for me to meet at nineteen. Before meeting him, I never believed in love at first sight. I do now. Sometimes it just clicks. I fell for him and I fell hard.

At night, we would sit together downstairs talking. We shared our dreams and fears. We discussed our plans in life. I enjoyed every single moment with Alex and I cherish those memories today.

On the night before he was supposed to return to Ukraine, there was a banquet in the honor of the guests. I drove him to the dinner and he said to me, "I miss my parents, but I don't want to go home. I don't know the words to express what I'm feeling." I believe in my heart the words cannot be expressed. I felt it too.

The realization he was leaving, to live across an ocean, hit me. I was a total wreck at the dinner. Speeches about the experiences with the guests were shared. I stole away to the bathroom a couple of times to dry my eyes and compose myself. We returned home, knowing that the morning would come faster than we wanted it to. It was late before we turned in for bed. I slept terribly that night.

In the morning, I ventured to the living room and spoke to my parents. Something was wrong. My dad told me that Alex was sick. Since he wouldn't speak English around my parents, they did not understand what was wrong. They thought it was nerves, butterflies in the stomach.

I went to speak to Alex. Here is our conversation:

B: Alex, what is wrong?
A: I have a pain.
B: Where?
A: It is like a knife right here.
He pointed to his lower right torso. I'm not a doctor but I knew this wasn't butterflies in the stomach.

I went downstairs and spoke to my parents. "I think Alex has a problem with his appendix." So instead of leaving for the airport, we went to the emergency room.

I helped Alex check in with the nurses and he was admitted. The doctors checked him out and he was off to surgery. My family paced around the waiting room, waiting for news. Finally, a doctor came out to tell us that Alex was back in his room.

It was appendicitis. If he had gotten on the plane, his appendix would have burst in mid-air and he would have died of blood poisoning. As scary as the experience was, we were happy to have Alex safe and sound. He was prohibited to fly for another week and this was probably some of the best news I ever heard.

During that extra week, Alex and I spent even more time together. That month was the one of the best of my life. I smiled and laughed every day. And every day, I knew that his flight was getting closer.

I would have married him. Right then and there. I fell head over heels in love with a man who lived across the globe. The logical part of my brain told me this would never work. My heart screamed at me to fight for any chance I could get. I look back and I still would have married him to have him stay.

My mom knew what I was feeling. She understood how much I did not want to let him go. She held my passport as we said good-bye to leave for the airport. It was all she could do to not buy me a ticket to fly to Ukraine with Alex. I would have gone. Looking back, I am glad I did not go, not because of Alex, but because of all I would miss here. I love the life I have. I love my family. I love my friends. I love my home. It is a hard decision to leave all that you know for the hope of something great. Life throws scary moments at you and those moments change you. I know now where I belong. As much as it pains me to say it, I couldn't give up for him what I wanted him to give up for me.

Alex promised me at the airport he would come back. We planned on visiting him in Ukraine. I did not give up hope of seeing him again.

My sunglasses stayed on the entire time at the airport. My eyes watered and I struggled internally with letting him go. It was time for him to board the plane. We stood up and walked to the boarding area. He paused before giving the attendant his ticket. He turned to me and kissed my cheek. It was time to say good-bye. I could barely speak. Few words were spoken and he turned back to the attendant.

She took his ticket and ushered him on. He turned back for one last look before he was out of sight, forever. His eyes brimmed with tears and then he was gone. I lost it. My dad and I went to the window to watch his plane taxi down the runway and take off into the sky. I stood at the window, regaining my composure, watching the man I loved leave me. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Once the plane was out of sight, I walked to the car with my dad. He drove me home. We were silent. My parents were also sad to see Alex leave. He touched our home in ways I could never explain.

I wrote him letters for the first year after his departure. During the first three months, I went home on my lunch break every day to check the mail. Any news would have lifted my spirits higher than that plane taking him away could soar. There was nothing.

It was two and a half years before I heard from him again. One night I checked my email and there was a one line email from him. The communications in Ukraine are not as good as in America. He had received my letters, he was hoping my email account still worked.

Long story short, the letters he wrote never arrived. Either he had the wrong address or there was a problem with getting them out of Ukraine. After two and a half years, he finally was able to get an email account. The fact he hadn't forgotten about me refreshed all hopes I had. He sent me email cards, pretty and romantic. The emails were usually short, his confidence in writing in English was really low.

Finally, after five years, he was able to get ahold of a chat program. We were able to 'talk' live. This usually happened around 3 in the morning, my time. I asked him repeatedly about his life. He always responded by saying that he worked a lot. He is a lawyer working in politics. He helps write laws and proposals for parliament.

I helped him to get some computer equipment for his laptop. It turns out, Dell won't ship outside of the United States. He needed a replacement battery for his computer (which cost quite a bit) and then I had to Fed-Ex it to Ukraine (this cost twice as much as the battery). I was happy to do this. If I could make his computer work better, I could talk to him more often.

He received the battery and we spoke again online. He emailed me a couple of pictures. One was of him, smiling that sweet smile I fell in love with. The second picture was the people he worked with.

As I looked at the picture, I noticed a pretty young woman in the group. You know the type. Blonde, thin, blue eyes, and beautiful. She smiled at the camera with that 'I'm confident, happy, and in control' look. Something told me to wonder about her.

I asked Alex who all these people were. His description was so nonchalant. He said, 'The first man is such-and-such, my boss. The woman next to him is fill in a name, she is a secretary in the office. Next to her is the manager of something important. The forth person is the head of some department. The fifth person is Tatiana. She is in charge of something and is my wife. The next person is..." Okay, I don't remember what all the people were in charge or who they were. He explained each one and casually inserted the fact that this blonde, beautiful, and confident woman was his wife.

Okay, now I understand the whole not putting your life on hold because there is someone across the ocean who cares for you deeply, but when someone asks you what has happened in the last five years of your life, mentioning that you got MARRIED is not something you forget! When I read that sentence, my stomach dropped almost as much as my mouth. How do you respond to something like this?

I'm happy for Alex. Expecting him to return to America to spend his life with me was a pretty unrealistic fantasy. But it was nice to dream. Five years does change people and I knew he wasn't going to come back. I think it was just the delivery and finality of it that hit me so hard.

I still admire Alex. He is a personal hero of mine. I learned so much from his visit to our home and the way he lives his life inspires me to become a better person. I will always remember him, that man walking down the hallway towards his plane and the look on his face. He touched my heart and showed me that love, even if it doesn't last, is worth the pain.

But seriously, why do I fall for guys I have no chance to be with? I find a wonderful, charming, respectful, cute, intelligent, kind, courteous, funny, straight man who cares for me as much as I do him but of course he lives across the globe. I'm doomed. That's all that's to it.

3 Comments:

Matt said...

You are not doomed. You will find the right man, and he had better pass all of the tests that he has to, because if he doesn't I feel soory for him. Not because of the physical pain that he will be feeling, can you guess from who?, but from the wonderful joy he will be missing out on getting to spend time with a person as wonderful, charming, funny, beautiful, and intelligent as you. So do not fret, I will not let my Little Sister go through her life that way.

At 11:21 AM, CarpeDM said...

You know what I don't get? How can someone as perfect as Alex be such an idiot? "Hey, Alex, I haven't spoken to you in 5 years. What's new?" "Oh, I'm glad you asked, Beth. I got married." How hard is that to say?

As much as this post made me cry because of the romantic turmoil you were in and the obvious love between you, I am also glad that you didn't get on the plane. I would miss the heck out of you. I realize that I didn't know you then but I would still miss you. You're family now.

And Matt's right, the right guy is out there for you. And he better watch his step. Else I will fork him!

At 11:44 AM, Firebear said...

Thank you for sharing this story.