Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Corresponding with God

"You know, when you talk to God, they call it praying. When He talks back, it's called schizophrenia." (X-Files)

Imagine my surprise last night when I opened the mailbox to find a letter, addressed to the "Friend at [insert my address here]" from Jesus. That's right, Jesus sent me some mail.

And not just any old letter, no this one is special, Jesus has sent me a chain letter! Oh, I feel so special and blessed.

I am now just sure that as Jesus was hanging on the cross, he must have thought, "In about 2000 years, I hope to one day have my name used to create junk mail."

By opening the envelope, I am told that good changes will come to my life and that I will be given the desires of my heart. Oh, I can hardly withstand the promises made by this. My lucky, lucky mail carrier who was so blessed to help deliver the message Jesus wanted me to hear! I hope he or she also gets the blessing of "spiritual", "physical", and "financial" benefits just by touching the letter.

The return address shows Tulsa, OK. It makes me wonder if Jesus has returned and he's just in hiding, like the other King who frequently gets spotted roaming around the South. And he picked Oklahoma. You know, if I were the Son of God and decided to return to Earth for the Rapture, I couldn't think of a better place to go than Oklahoma. Just think, they wrote that play about it.

Jesus knows all and tells all. In opening the letter, I am moved with passion and faith at the opening. "Dear...Someone Connected with This Address." Wow, he really knows me!

The letter comes complete with a "Jesus Prayer Rug" made of newspaper. But it's just on loan. I'm not allowed to keep it. Darn. I wanted to frame it and mount it on the wall.

The letter asks me to check mark what subjects I need someone to pray for me. It's great, I have the important, soul cleansing options like, "A new car, a better job, a home, or money." Sounds like a game show almost.

I'm supposed to return the letter, complete with the "Jesus Prayer Rug", a "seed gift to God", and my check marked prayer options.

I'm thinking that Jesus must be thrilled right about now that someone is using his name to create junk mail. I bet he wants those people to enter into the gates of Heaven.