Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Sex, Snow, and Suicide

Can anyone guess when the full moon is? Oh, that's right. It's tonight.

Just when I start to think my job could become a routine, something strange will happen. Someone will push the boundary and act so inappropriately that I find myself again scratching my head, wondering, "WTF?"

Here is what my schedule looked like today (all in PM):

2:30 - 3:00: Staff meeting with my boss and colleagues
3:00 - 3:30: Meeting to greet the new hires, the full class
3:30 - 4:00: Steve & I get to talk with our new bankers for a 1/2 hour getting to know them
4:00 - 4:30: Another new hire meeting, this one with the bankers from a different training class
4:30 - 4:45: Meet with our Human Resources Consultant
4:45 - 5:00: Take a short break
5:00 - 6:20: Talk with the team and another supervisor about moving desks
6:20 - 7:20: Lunch & meeting with Steve about his performance and where the team is going
7:20 - 8:00: Talk with bankers while trying to prepare for a two hour meeting with more new hires
8:00 - 10:00: Happy graduation meeting with new hires and introduction of team policies to them
10:00 - 10:15: Take a short break
10:15 - 11:20: Deal with a banker who has a really bad call
11:20 - 11:30: Help get the bankers ready to leave for the night

My schedule today was very hectic. I spent very little time with the bankers on our team, which bothers me, but at least they all knew why. They all received the same treatment when they were going through training and it does take up more of our time to prepare bankers for the job. Steve and I both felt a bit drained by the end of the night.

So, you may be asking, "What's up with the title of this post?" Great question.

In answer, I'd like to do a few Little Letters, in honor of Carol, to help clarify.

Dear New Hire,

First impressions are key. When you have worked for a company less than 1 full day, tact and discretion is appreciated. In the future, I would refrain from telling your female supervisor that you like to collect used condoms. It may also be relevant to note that explaining your "farts" to your supervisor and team lead will not win you points. And I don't care that you want to have sex with two women at once.

Waiting in line to talk with HR,
Your new supervisor

Dear Mother Nature,

As much as I adore the beautiful look trees take on after the first snowfall of the year, I'd like to make a comment about the use of the word, "Sleet." Did you think of the name sleet? Probably not, but maybe you can help. Steve and I were discussing sleet and have come to the conclusion that it should be called "snain" since it is a combination of rain and snow. We discussed using "row" as a name, but since the word is already in use, we believe "snain" is a better choice. Can you change this? Your help is appreciated.

Driving more cautiously and considering purchasing a larger scraper,

Dear Customer,

While I appreciate your concerns about the overdraft situation on your account that you created, using a false claim of suicide to make us feel sorry for you is a dirty ploy. It does not get us to take back the fees that were assessed legally and in full accordance with your account terms. It does make us not take the threat lightly and law enforcement will be arriving at your door to check on your well-being. These claims also do not create much belief when you have told a different story about your previous calls than the documented conversations would suggest. There are customers who make claims about suicide that are causes for concern and we do want to help those who are reaching out. When the banker asks you about what you just said, replying that you are not going to commit suicide but just want your fees reversed does not make us want to reverse your fees. We do not take any threat lightly and I hope you enjoyed the visit from the officer this evening.

Thanks for your call,
The person who helped counsel the banker you just scarred emotionally.