Temptations

Ah, karaoke. Sunday nights at the Chalet. We are surrounded by friends, fun, and temptation.

I should probably start with the pictures.


Yes, everyone, that is DM drinking. Mark (I'll get to him) had a drink that he didn't like and DM offered to finish it for him. Does the phrase, "I'm never drinking again!" ring any bells?

She did drink a few drinks last night. DM was no where nearly intoxicated as she was on the drunken crazzzzzzzy night. Besides the fruity drink, DM only had two double shots and a beer. See:

Double Shot #1:


Double Shot #2:


Dana and the Beer

She actually only had 1 full beer and about 1/2 of Matt's beer. She just kept taking it from him.

DM wore cute shoes:


Angie and Steve were there. Steve left early because of working Monday morning, but we enjoyed seeing him. He liked being able to call DM, "Slur-i-cane."


Amy was there and acting shy for the camera:


Amy actually had a date last night with Mark. She met him a few weeks ago (on the drunk, crazy night) and he's a pretty nice guy. He's 23. Here is Mark:


DM also sang, "Strokin'" again. She claims it is in retirement, but continues to sing it. We actually enjoy it and it is a crowd pleaser, so I don't understand why she puts up a fight and then gives in and sings it. I think she secretly enjoys it.


Angie and Ryan sang, "Paradise by the Dashboard Light." It was Ryan's first time singing karaoke. We rather enjoyed it and his and her facial expressions were great for the song.


Matt was there (so was Dean and Liz, but I don't have pictures of them and we didn't talk with them as much as Matt).


Angie and I were also having a bit of fun with Craig. I was sober. It's hard to tell by this picture because this is very un-Beth-like.


The Chalet was packed last night. It was busier than a normal Sunday and I attribute that to the weather. January is usually much colder than it is and I think people want out of the house. Whatever the reason, it was a busy night. We had a blast, even with a few of the regulars missing (Becky, James, and Liz at another table).

There was a rather drunk, short blonde who made her presence known around the bar. She introduced her breasts to DM (for an extended period of time and DM kept trying to get away from the nipples in the face). She was also found in the bathroom with a guy. At the end of the night, the guy got upse that she was so flirty with different people (men and women) and there was a little scene after last call. Bryan, Andrew, Ke, Benny, and maybe a few others went out to the parking lot to make sure the group left.

DM and I discovered how much fun it is to flirt with Craig at the bar. Neither of us want to date him, but he is a lot of fun. He's a nice guy. Angie did make a good point about Craig, "It's the five-finger rule. He drinks, he smokes, he's divorced, and he has kids. That only leaves 1 finger left and that's not enough." I think Craig will be one of our friends for a long time and never more than that.

We were having fun teasing Amy about her date. Mark and Amy are cute together and they seem to be getting along quite well. I hope that it works out for Amy. She deserves a nice guy. She did turn her cell phone off after the massive amount of text messages she was receiving from Amy and Steve regarding her date.

(Side note: as I'm writing this, my Party Shufffle on iTunes just put "Weapon of Choice" by Fat Boy Slim on. It is the Christopher Walken video. This is just too fascinating to not watch!)

Matt was there and he had had a few drinks throughout the night. His level of intoxication was higher than DM's and he was, how do I say this politely?, a bit more forward than normal. I am not blind and I've noticed certain things before, so has DM, and I've received confirmation. I guess he didn't say anything last night that I didn't already know. Okay, how to explain this?

Matt stares at me. At his birthday party (which DM and I went to a few weeks ago), he saw us come in and headed to the table we sat at and hung out with us for most of that part of the evening. He kept telling jokes and pointing out his observations about the parts of his body that make him a man. He also called me a temptress that night. At the end of that night, he hugged me and barely said goodbye to DM. I can tell that he is interested in me.

Matt works for James at a movie theater. One of the bankers on my team at work also works at the same theater with them. I found out from her that he has asked about me. He told me a bit about that last night and their stories are a little different, but basically the same.

Oh, about the temptress thing. I told someone else that I was called a temptress and the person said, "Did you blow on his neck? Did you talk in a sultry voice?" My answer was, "No," of course. The other person said, "Hmmm, doesn't seem like you're tempting him."

Last night, Matt was a bit drunk. He started by talking to DM and asked her if he should ask me out. DM was great and suggested he not do that. Give me all the "you're alone and guarded" talk you want, but it does not change the fact I'm not interested in Matt. He's a nice kid, but rather young for me. I had hoped he wouldn't make a move because it is one of those uncomfortable situations.

After talking to DM, he did move and sit by me. He told me, "I think you are very pretty." He told me this a few times. I said, "Thank you," and that's about it. I didn't lead him on and I tried to be nice without giving the wrong impression.

James was not there last night, unfortunately. He is fun and DM really enjoys him (duh, right?). He was tired and at home. Matt made a comment that he was probably at home thinking about DM (I'm putting this in a much classier phrasing).

I think that's about it for the night. I drove DM home and gave Angie a lift (she had ridden with Steve but he needed to leave early). It was a fun night, as usual.

Pictures!

Here's a quick post to show off some of the pictures from this past Sunday at karaoke! Enjoy!


Angie, Sara, and Amy at the door as DM was singing "Strokin'"


Sara and Amy


Here is DM singing the song








Amy, being shy


Craig, the karaoke virgin, singing his first song! ("The Devil Went Down to Georgia")




Craig and Angie

From the Friday night at Wild Tymes


Amy sings with a random bar patron and Angie helps out

After the drunken crazy night


DM played with her hair


DM played with her ducks


AKA Glow-Ducking


She was sober here folks


Just call her the "Duck Whisperer"

Fascinating

Updating my archives (because I'm a bit OCD), I ran across two ideas from a poll that I did. I have the second still written down, waiting for the inspiration to write it correctly (and hopefully humorously). The other idea was from Mark and it was to write about the 10* Most Fascinating People I've Ever Met.

I hope I do them justice. It is a countdown to the number 1 Most Fascinating Person I've Ever Met (read that as if there were neon lights around it, flashing and a big band playing).

10. Charlie (fake name)
I debated with myself to put him on the list, but then I realized that I continually return to thoughts of him when I need inspiration and when I want to feel a bit better about myself. Unrequited love aside, he was a fascinating individual. When I knew Charlie, he was not wise beyond his years and his life experiences were not monumental by any means. He may or may not have traveled down the path of life to glory and huge achievements, but I'd like to think that his spunk, his energy, and his love of life has brought him happiness.

Charlie fascinated me more than he fascinated others, I would think that is fair to say. Quite a few of my friends from that time did not think his sense of humor or brutal honesty was a perk. He was a clown without the scary make-up and dirty jokes. Charlie was a teenage boy and so his mind was in the gutter (like many of his shots in bowling), but he wasn't jaded and he still held onto his innocence. He loved to laugh and he loved to make others laugh. He fascinated me with the sparkle in his eyes and his good nature.

9. Susan & Ellen
Yeah, I'm cheating already. Susan and Ellen are the two female cousins I have on my mother's side of the family tree. I put them together because they were my female influences when I grew up. Ellen used to watch me during the summers and I remember her wicked sense of humor. She is the reason why I believe that Barbies are minions of the devil and she influenced my writing. Susan stayed with our family when I was 13 and she went to school up here in Minnesota. Susan was athletic and she showed me that it is perfectly fine for a woman to be on her own in this world. She is married now, but at the time she visited, I saw a 24 year old woman who lived by herself and had no problem putting her friends ahead of a cheap relationship. Susan & Ellen fascinated me because they were my role models.

8. The Crew from Bugs
Don't worry, I won't keep cheating. I am lumping a group of people together because I cannot say one of them is more fascinating than another, but as a group they were a great cast of characters. This group of people was fascinating because they were so different than any group of people I had known before or since. I knew more guy's guys there and I met more women who were strong and independent (and a little "loose") than I had thought could congregate. The atmosphere of a pool hall does not always attract the classiest of people, but it does attract real people who want to laugh, want to have fun, and want to be themselves. One of the women was my friend Melissa who was so headstrong and just plain cruel if she didn't like you. I learned how to argue from her. Steph was the spunky, crazy one whom everyone adored because she was nice and sweet and didn't let anything get her down. Brent was the clown whose laugh alone could send a crowd of people into gales of laughter. Our group also had the not-so-nice people that can still send chills up my spine when I think of them. Age was never a factor with this group, social class was thrown out the window, and the whole group just wanted to be around each other. It was a good group of friends at the time.

7. Mike
Mike was my supervisor for a couple of years at work. I've had some supervisors who have been fantastic and great people, but if I had to state my favorite manager EVER, it would be Mike. He truly cares about people, even if he jokes around that he doesn't. No one can resist having a good time at work when he's there. Mike's management style is a style that I appreciate and try to model. He is a hero of mine.

5/6. My Dad
What girl is not fascinated by the knowledge and kindness and stableness of her father? Well, okay, I know that some women do not feel that their fathers are examples of the best men in the world, but I have had quite a few friends who were envious of how great my dad is. He is a wonderful father.

My dad is incredibily intelligent. He's a bit of an underachiever in this aspect and never went as far as his intellect would allow him in school. His values were not the degree. He likes to learn about new subjects and I have always thought he could out "Cliff Clavin" Cliff Clavin.

Dad will always help me and offer a stable support for me. He has always encouraged every idea I had and pushed me to better myself. He is witty and his jokes have made many furrow a brow in confusion because they don't get the references. My dad has a solid work ethic and passed that onto me. He's a great dad.

5/6. My Mom
She's crazy. But I love her. My mom has a passion and loves to get worked up over things. When she think there is something wrong in the world, she won't be shy about sharing her opinions. While this is sometimes a bit embarrassing, I do think she is fascinating. My parents were not the best combination of personalities and that's why their marriage did not last. But they are great friends to each other.

My mom has never been afraid to do what she felt was the best thing for her or her loved ones. This is most easily seen in her love for our family pets and the lengths she will go to take care of them.

My mom got cooler the older I got. We never really fought; she just doesn't like children all that much. She was waiting for that time in my life where I would be able to relate with her on a friend level versus the child/parent level.

She is absolutely crazy and I love her for it.

4. Johnny
What can't I say about Johnny? She is fabulous! Don't believe me? Read her site. Read all of it. You'll know how fascinating she is.

One of the simple things that does fascinate me about Johnny is the fact she lives in Portugal. I know that doesn't make her any more fascinating than other people living in Portugal, but I thought it was just a cool thing. That sounds lame when I write it. I just like the culture and her take on her culture.

Johnny has passion for life, for her friends, and for her furry ones. She is a vet student and works hard to get to her goals. She is HI-larious and her sense of humor comes out in spades when she is riled. She does what she wants to do and tells it like it is and I adore her.

3. Andriy
Andriy is probably the definition of fascinating (to charm, to captivate). I've written about him before and I will admit I'm a bit biased in my opinions about him because I fell in love with him instantly.

He lives in another country and we haven't spoken in a few years now. I don't think we will ever chat again or see each other. I'm fine with this. I do know he helped shape me into the person I am today.

Intelligent? Yes. Try going to law school and forming a new political action group for your country to intice young voters to actually care.

Kind? Yes. Sweet? Of course. Chilvary? In spades. Want to know more about how much he fascinated me? Read here. I may have used a fake name when I wrote it. As much as that post makes me long for being 19 again, I do like what I wrote.

2. Bryan
Fascinating. Just flipping amazing. Is it a surprise that the host at karaoke (whom DM and I have been accused of stalking) would be near the top of the list? And one of the things that makes Bryan even more fascinating than his talent for music, his creativity, and his sense of humor, is the fact that he and Liz are perfect for each other.

1. Dana
What list would be complete without the perfect best friend at the top of it? I wrote another post, early in my blogging history, about her. It's called, "Oh, I like Paul Simon, who's that guy I don't like?" Maybe Dana fascinates me because she's just so Dana-like or because she is such a good friend (even if she doesn't think so - she is) and that I can always count on her for a good time. Everyone needs a great friend and I was lucky to find one when I met her.

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*There are more fascinating people that I've met and I could probably list a couple more of them without much hesitation. I'm trying to stick to the ones that shaped who I am by showing me a bit of their passions.

Is it Wrong...

- when I open the mailbox and think, "Oh! Jesus mail! I might have good blogging material!" (I got another one of those letters about the prayer rug.)

- that recent searches that produced this site were:
-- sex link chickens (and you know the funny part? I was listed higher than the site labeled
"masturbation list: over 1,000 ways to say masturbate")
--sex woman with doneky
--bisexual finger length
--HOT DONEKY SEX
--free got the girl pregnant with potent baby juice stories

- that I put both of those topics into one post?

iPod Shuffle, Yet Again

My iPod was again the catalyst for my thoughts this evening. I put it on shuffle again and was surprised to find that when I was thinking about the issues regarding depression and other defined medical conditions, the songs playing fit the mood. Seems odd, yes, but that's my iPod. It is magic (I am joking here. I don't actually believe the little mechanical device is magical. I think this is concidence.)

The thoughts I had about depression and other medical conditions may show up in this post, but I'm not sure to what capacity. I have an idea in my head and questions I want to explore, yet I don't know how to yet. If I find a way as I write this, I will.

Song #1: Leaving to Stay, Jonny Lang
While this song has a positive message, the beat is laid-back, bluesy and almost religious in feeling. Actually, the song is quite religious. "I've been waiting for the glory of the coming of the Lord. I've heard a lot of stories, but my prayers have been ignored. I've been waiting in the wings between the ocean and the shore. But this time, I'm leaving to stay."

Song #2: Carnival, Natalie Merchant
I have just a few Natalie Merchant songs and I rarely listen to them. There is something about her music that is soothing and relaxing, but I also find hidden meanings and sadness in her lyrics. The songs typically make me think there are hidden emotions and surprises and the metaphors seem contrived. That makes no sense. "Have I been blind, have I been lost inside myself and my own mind? Hypnotized and mesmerized by what my eyes have seen?" It is a depressing song. It makes me feel like there is a veil hiding reality from us and I don't believe that. Whatever. I may come back to that thought. Or not.

Song #3: This Used to Be My Playground, Madonna
Okay, here is a sad song. It is about remembering the glory days of youth. While I believe the past is important, it is still in the past. The melody is lethargic and Madonna's singing is quite whiny. "Don't hold onto the past, well that's too much to ask." No, it is not. Appreciate the past, live in the present, plan for the future. I don't even know what mood I'm in as I write this because the songs are bringing me down and I don't want to be down. Sadness is an emotion I don't deal with easily.

Song #4: One Headlight, The Wallflowers
I'm not even sure what this song is about. I looked up the lyrics. "So long ago, I don't remember when, that's when they say I lost my only friend, well they said she died easy of a broken heart disease, as I listened through the cemetery trees ... I seen the sun comin' up at the funeral at dawn, the long broken era of human law, now it always seemed such a waste, she always had a pretty face, so I wondered how she hung around this place ... Chorus: Hey, come on try a little, nothing is forever, there's got to be something better than, in the middle, but me & Cinderella, we put it all together, we can drive it home, with one headlight ... She said it's cold, it feels like Independence Day, and I can't break away from this parade, but there's got to be an opening, somewhere in front of me, through this maze of ugliness and greed, and I seen the sun up ahead, at the county line bridge, sayin' all there's good and nothingness is dead, we'll run until she's out of breath, she ran until there's nothin' left, she hit the end - it's just her window ledge ... chorus ... well this place is old, it feels just like a beat up truck, I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn, well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes, this place is always such a mess, sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn, I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else, Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same, but somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams, I think her death it must be killin' me ... chorus." The song is just sad.

Song #5: I'm Sensitivie, Jewel
"Please be careful with me, I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way." "Maybe if we're surrounded by beauty someday we'll become what we see ... we are everyday angels, be careful with me, I'd like to stay that way." This song is one that I used to think about when I was living with Adam. I wanted to stay innocent and happy and the situation was not a great one. I made it through and now I'm back to the person I was before I lived with him, happy most of the time and a little wiser. I'm not completely over the pain, but I am better than I was. I'll probably come back to this.

Song #6: She Paints Me Blue, Something Corporate
While this song is about a relationship, I find the phrase, "And you're my good feeling" the one that stands out tonight. Someone asked me recently about my thoughts on medication and personality "disorders". They said, "Do you believe that medication helps?" I answered, "Yes, for some." That question keeps coming back to my mind and I remember another comment the individual made. "It is hard, because people see my [diagnosed condition] as a disease." That keeps haunting me. After thinking about it, I realized that I don't see conditions as diseases. I think disease is a word that conjours negative emotions and some of the conditions people have are not diseases, the conditions are part of who the person is. It helped shape them into the person they are today and they deal with it and how they deal with it is part of them. This makes absolutely no sense what-so-ever. I don't know if I can describe this with words on a screen. The condition in this context is not depression, but ADHD. The person takes medication to help them focus and I can tell the medication helps. Medication is not the solution, but just a little bit of a push in the right direction. It allows the person to feel better about what they do. And I don't think ADHD or ADD is a disease. I think it is part of a person and they just have a different, diverse, and unique style. This is not a negative. When partnered with an obsessive-compulsive individual or a person who focuses a bit too much, distractions can be a benefit. People are different and that is one of the joys of life.

This still makes no sense. Maybe if I could clear my head I could explain it. Instead, I'll just ramble on and on about something I don't understand.

Song #7: So. Cal, The Vanity Project (Stephen Page)
"It's just another lonely day in sunny, Southern Californ-I-A ... What could have been and what never was in spite of us because it's another lonely day in sunny, Southern Carliforn-I-A." It is a sad song and I haven't listened to it too much yet to have an association with it.

Song #8: Breathe, Melissa Etheridge
I've probably linked to this song before, but I forget. And then sometimes the same song can conjour up different emotions. This is a rough song. "I played the fool today, I just dream of vanishing into the crowd, Longing for home again, Home, is a feeling I buried in you, I'm alright, I'm alright, It only hurts when I breathe."

The other day, on Friday actually, I was feeling a bit down. It is a rare emotion for me. At least at this point in my life. On the outside, most people would say that I'm happy. Others may even go so far as to say I'm a manic-depressive stuck on manic. Not often, but once in awhile (probably once every 4 or 5 months), I will have a day when I just feel a bit down. Something will be bothering me all day long and I'll have the defeating thoughts of, "I'm alone, I haven't accomplished [some task], I don't know what to do. I feel like no one will ever love me again and I don't want to let anyone in and I'm just going to put myself down all day." Then I kick myself in the head (mentally) and call up those who make me happy and laugh and have a good time and the bad feelings go away. Call it avoidance, call it a way to deal, I don't know what it is. But it works for me. It doesn't work for others. My friend and laughing and music are my medications. These things can change my outlook back to the positive and I appreciate that.

Song #9: Round Here, Counting Crows
Here's yet another song with a slow melody and quiet chords. "'Round here, we always stand up straight, 'round here, something radiates ... 'Round here, we're carving out our names, 'round here, we all look the same, 'round here, we talk just like lions but we sacrifice like lambs, 'round here, slipping through my hands."

The odd part of this train of songs is that I don't feel depressed. I feel pretty good. I am looking forward to returning to work tomorrow and seeing my friends and that life is on the right track. There are good times ahead, but I'm afraid that there are others in my life that are struggling right now. I think that's where this post is coming from. It is a part of my finding a way to help those I care about and a continuance of things said to me and a way I deal with the emotions of others since I don't deal with my own very well.

Song #10: The River, Garth Brooks
An uplifting song about overcoming obstacles. "I will sail my vessel until the river runs dry, like a bird upon the wind, these waters are my sky, I will never reach my destination if I never try, so I will sail my vessel until the river runs dry." It is about strength. The human spirit has strength and it gains momentum through hope. Hope is a good thing. Hope is a great thing.

Song #11: When the Heartache Ends, Rob Thomas
"Well it's alright, why don't you tell me again my friend, how you'll still be there when the heartache ends." Friendship is so important. It is the most important thing in my life and what I value more than anything else. Good friends are hard to find but a joy to treasure. I still believe in friendship, even after ones have turned sour. What one can gain from the support of a good friend, what one can offer of themself to a friend, that's what I believe life is about. There are many levels of friendship and the more you offer of yourself the more friends you will find.

Song #12: The Thong Song, Sisqo
Okay, just funny. iPod decided to throw in a song to just make me laugh. This is so bad. And unrelated. But hey, life throws some surprises in and apparently my iPod does too!

Song #13: Break Your Heart, Barenaked Ladies
I posted the lyrics to this song in one of my early, early posts. This is my favorite song that is not sung by Bryan. That only makes sense to a small few. Okay, I love Bryan's album, Mechanical Bride. The songs on there are terrific and fantastic. This is a song that is commercial and available for purchase and I love it. It is about a break-up. "And you say, 'What did you think I was gonna do, curl up and die just because of you, what did you think I was going to do, try to make you love me just as I love you, how could you be so low, you arrogant man, what do you think that I am, my heart will be fine, just stop wasting my time' oh, no, I know that you will be okay and that I got what I want, and that's rid of you, goodbye, and it's not because I'll be missing you that makes me fall apart, it's just that I didn't want to break, no I didn't mean to break, no I didn't mean to break your heart." The man is feeling guilty because he can't give as much as he thought was needed and for some reason I love the song. It makes me cry each time I hear it live.

Song #14: Ego, Medium (Bryan's music)
A soft song, towards the end of the album. "Sitting in the passenger seat, she saw another building, another wall ... sitting so dead in the passenger seat ... waiting so long on the passenger seat ... I want to be that too ... sitting so dead in the passenger seat, another family, another photo ... baby, just give me a reason, maybe it's not that wrong, it's always hard time in the season, when you go back home ... where is my crutch, where is my soul? I know the reasons, but I don't know how." This man's voice is amazing.

Song #15: Nothing Compares 2 U, Sinead O'Connor
Besides the fact I hate it when people write out words with numbers or only use a letter to write out an entire word, this is another depressing song. I don't dislike this song and there have been times when I felt like crying until there were no more tears, but I find it hard to relate to this song. Whine, whine, whine, I miss you, whine, whine, whine, you left me and I can't go on. Blah, blah, blah. Okay, maybe I don't like this song. Why do I have it?

Song #16: I Can't Make You Love Me, Bonnie Raitt
Good job iPod, you've found yet another song about longing and foolish games. Hey, do you think you'll play "Foolish Games" next?

Song #17: Bed of Lies, Matchbox Twenty
Nope, just another song about relationships gone bad. It's like a Fox special. I remember listening to a lot of MB20 when I lived with Adam. Most of the music is about relationships (romantic and not) gone bad. I found a lot of reason in the songs that I could apply to friendship. But then, I also believe in friendship more than some. "I don't think I could take another talk about it." This song, along with "Hang" and "Rest Stop" tend to remind me of the bad times. "I don't want to be somewhere I don't belong, it's not enough just to be sorry, don't you know I feel the darkness closing in."

Song #18: Title and Registration, Death Cab for Cutie
I got this song when I bought my iPod. There were a bunch of free songs that came with it and this was one. It starts out about how the glove compartment is not named correctly because no one keeps gloves in it. This is just a funny story. My dad lost his gloves. He couldn't find them for a year. Then he opened his glove compartment. That's where he put them. It is just a bit funny that it was the one place he didn't think to look for a year. This song is not that depressing. Well, actually, listening to the lyrics, it is a bit sad. The singer is telling a story about how "our love did slowly fade, now it's gone ... here I'm left with disappointment and regret." Dang it!

That's probably good for tonight. I don't think I got the point across that I was looking for, but I did list off more songs on my iPod. Here's to another week of busy times at work and fun. I'm sure I'll have my stress level back to normal highs by the end of tomorrow. Good night.

My Vacation is Over

Today signals the last day of my vacation, the week spent relaxing, letting loose (too loose), and just enjoying sleeping in.

I have managed to mess up my sleeping habits this week more than normal. I am finding myself falling asleep around 10 AM and getting up around 5 or 6 PM. Oops. That will not work well for the 1:00 meeting I have tomorrow afternoon.

Karaoke last night was fun, as always. We were teased a little, but nothing too bad. I enjoyed the time. After I dropped DM off, I went to Perkins with Angie-Ang and that was fun. We chatted about everything under the sun. She is a lot of fun and I'm really glad that DM and I met her through karaoke.

On vacation, I still had to visit work yesterday. There is one task that I could have completed from home, but unfortunately I couldn't get ahold of anyone on the phone on Sunday to help me out by reading our vacation sheets to me so I could approve time cards. I was there about an hour. I'll be there at least 40 hours this week. Back to normal.

My last day of break consists of sleeping in, reading blogs, listening to a bit of iTunes, and then I'm going to head to Dad's to pick up laundry and probably watch some CSI. My dad enjoys television much more than I do, but at least it is an interesting show.

I may sit down with my iPod later and see what mood it is in again. I find this a bit therapeutic, which is odd. Oh well. There may be more serious posts coming later, who knows? It is a Monday and my mood is always a bit different on Mondays.

Another Update of the Weekend and a bit of iPod Shuffling...

Where did I leave off? Oh yeah, I updated about Thursday's poor* decision to visit the casino (my wallet is still suffering). On Friday, I decided to visit my dad for a bit (watched some CSI and Monk) and then headed to Wild Tymes to see Angie host karaoke. Amy and Becky were there, as well as Angie's parents and brother. Dean also showed up later and I found out even more horrors about Sunday. It has been stated, but here I go again, "I AM NEVER DRINKING THAT MUCH AGAIN." I apologized to Dean for telling him that he had "no penis." Oops. That was not the nicest thing I've ever said.

Saturday was a good day. I slept extremely late and awoke to find a message from my mom on my phone and a text message from the player. Who knew a drunken text message would start an entire week of conversation**? I called DM after talking with my mom and told her we needed food and to see a movie. I know she's sick, but she's not that sick. Just a little cough. We went to Green Mill for dinner and then saw The Producers. It was worth it. We left the theater, singing the songs from the show and just laughing. I certainly enjoyed it.

The other night, I sat at Perkins and put my iPod on shuffle again. My iPod certainly can find a mood and stick to it. It is a bit random sometimes. Here's a little of the mood my iPod was in that night:

Song #1: Nookie, Limp Bizkit
After a night of drunken craziness and thoughts of sex, this is not the best song to hear. "I did it all for the nookie, c'mon the nookie, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your ..."

Song #2: Tired, Tabitha's Secret
"Would I be a bigger man if I built a wall around your heart and dared you to come in?" Relationships take work. I don't think I've been ready to put as much of myself into a relationship for a long time. "Hurt's a funny thing." I've been hurt before without realizing it was happening and I'm terrified of it happening again. But fear leaves me alone. I'd like to experience love again. It is worth the pain, right?

Song #3: Show Me, Bree Sharp
"Solitairy girl, I have been, living in a cell, made of skin. Sealed inside myself ... I can't fee what you feel ... Show me the way to my heart, show me, show me."

Song #4: If I Had You, Queen Latifah
"I could show the world how to smile, I could be glad all the while ... If I had you." My mom thinks this album is full of "you did me wrong but I want you back to walk all over me" songs. I think this song is about wanting, but I have no impression of "you've done me wrong." Why are there so many songs about love? It amazes me how much people are inspired by it and yet it is still so undefinable.

Song #5: Occasionally, Melissa Etheridge
"I'm only lonely when I'm driving in my car, I'm only lonely afer dark, I'm only lonely when I watch my TV, I'm only lonely occasionally." This song haunts me. Melissa Etheridge sings it with emotion and passion and the only background is someone pounding out a beat on drums, probably by hand.

Song #6: The Bad Touch, Bloodhound Gang
This is where iPod decided to focus on sex songs.
I think this song was released my first year of college. It is completely ridiculous and I am glad it not a song I purchased. Adam actually gave it to me, but it is still one I can laugh about. Remember the fad in music (that probably is still continuing and will) to just put as many pop culture references into a song as possible? It was a way for many bands to break the scene and find fans. This is one of those songs but applied to sex.

Song #7: Would You Mind, Janet Jackson
My iPod is stuck on sex. This song is so bad (in every way possible) that it is funny. My friend from the pool hall bought this album when it was released and I was still a regular. She told all of us, "You have to hear this song! It's like audio porn!" And it is. Very bad.

Song #8: Dig Down Deep, Marc Cohn
"Baby let's go below the surface, let's see what we can find. There's no reason to be nervous, it happens all the time ... Baby, let's dig down, dig down deep, could you dig down deep?" It makes me think that I shouldn't fight my emotions as I classically do. But then, that makes up me. Seriously folks, romantic feelings are so illogical that they drive me insane. I'd like to experience love again, but it scares me because I can't make sense of it. ARGH!

Song #9: Need You Tonight, INXS
I have this song because it is on a soundtrack. "Slide over here, give me a moment, your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know, I've got to let you know, you're one of my kind." I'm thinking bad thoughts.

Song #10: Obsession, Animotion
So strange! I was just thinking at the end of "Need You Tonight" that this song would be next. How did that happen? "What do you want me to be to have you sleep with me?" My iPod is horny!

Song #11: Downfall, Matchbox Twenty
"I wonder how you sleep, I wonder what you think of me ... Be my savior and I'll be your downfall." Funny, it sounds like a bad boy singing to an innocent woman. This is not what I need to hear. You know what, I pretend around people I know that I'm not that innocent. The problem is, I am a bit naive and innocent. Why am I afraid of showing my innocent side? Is it because I think it is a weakness? Hmmm, there's a thought for a shrink.

Song #12: First Time I Ever Saw Your Face, Johnny Cash
"I thought the sun rose in your eyes, and the moon and the stars were gifts you gave to the dark and endless sky, my love." American IV: The Man Comes Around is a fantastic album. I suggest listening to the man in black (the original, not Randall Flagg***) and appreciate his take on all these covers. This is really one of my favorite albums. I don't play it often, but I'd never take it out of my collection. I have to be in the right mood to listen to most of it because his voice is filled with sadness and regret and love and misery and it is moving.

Song #13: New Coat of Paint, Bob Seger
My parents bought The Fire Inside album when it came out. I loved this song as a teenager. I think I loved it because I didn't pay close enough attention to the lyrics. In fact, the line, "Set 'em up, set 'em up, we'll be knocking them down" made me think of bowling, not liquor. This song has nothing to do with bowling! Oops!

Song #14: Faith, George Michael
"I guess it would be nice, if I could touch your body..." How did no one notice he was gay? I mean, I know it was the 80's, but were they really that outrageous? DM and I had to sit back in awe watching the videos while in Portugal (VH1 Classics) and just be amazed at how "out" George Michael was but no one noticed. Wow.

And just for fun, I'm going to list my Top 20 favorite albums of all times, not in any particular order:

1. Mechanical Bride, Medium
2. All You Need is Live, Cowboy Mouth
3. Graceland, Paul Simon
4. More Than You Think You Are, Matchbox Twenty
5. Skin, Melissa Etheridge
6. Easy, Cowboy Mouth
7. Sevens, Garth Brooks
8. Gordon, Barenaked Ladies
9. Pulp Fiction Soundtrack
10. Reload, Tom Jones (well, what I've heard of it)
11. The CD Steve made me for Christmas (the first one)
12. Spirit, Jewel
13. The Dana Owens Album, Queen Latifah
14. The Fire Inside, Bob Seger
15. Yourself or Someone Like You, Matchbox Twenty
16. Lucky, Melissa Etheridge
17. Lie to Me, Jonny Lang
18. Marc Cohn, Marc Cohn
19. Rock Spectacle, Barenaked Ladies
20. American IV: The Man Comes Around, Johnny Cash

---

*The decision was bad on the wallet. I still had a good time. So it is not a total loss. Actually, it doesn't seem like a loss at all. I had fun and that is what counts, right?

**The messages are rather amusing. I have no interest in this guy. He's a bit of fun to mess with and I enjoy the fact that at least one guy seems to be interested in me as a woman, but I seriously don't trust him and wouldn't want to date him. He is a self-esteem booster and that is all. So, on that note, here are the messages (I am (B) and he is (P) (as in the Player)):

Monday:
(B) Sorry about the message last night. I was extremely drunk. I hope I did not offend you.
(P) I thought it was funny.
(B) Well good. I can honestly say it was one of the less embarrassing things from last night. Thanks for being understanding.

Wednesday:
(P) What else did you do? It can't be that bad (Note, I am correcting his grammar)
(B) Oh it could. Dana was also drunk and we made idiots of ourselves in front of everyone we know. Lots of sharing secrets.
(P) Any fun secrets?
(B) Maybe secrets about crushes and acts we wanted to engage in with certain men.
(P) Ah, sounds like fun.
(B) It was fun. We all found out that Dana swallows. And I seem to like showing people my panties.
(P) Girls should swallow and panties are fun to look at (Again, don't want to date him)
(B) You're funny. Hey, you never answered my question.
(P) What? What was it?
(B) The original one from Sunday night.
(P) What's that?
(B) Are you playing coy with me?
(P) No, I really don't know.
(B) Okay then. I believe it was about your appearance.
(P) Oh, yeah. I am.
(B) Good. I'd hate to think you were not sure of yourself.

Saturday
(P) I work with [former co-worker]'s estranged mom.
(B) That's interesting. Why are they estranged?
(P) I don't know. Her mom's crazy.
(B) Okay then.

***Stephen King reference.

I'll Remember You...

Almost 10 years ago to the day, I realized my feelings for a boy and I never thought how much my "relationship" with him could change my life and shape who I am. As the cold snap hits Minnesota, I find myself recollecting and reminiscing about that time, happy to have experienced teenage love and saddened to know that I have aged, I have changed, and nothing I do now will bring me back to being 17.

His birthday is Monday. The date, like many others, is etched in my mind forever. I can't even begin to imagine what he is like today, years later. I don't want to think of him as a career man, a married man, or a father. All of these are possibilities. I look at those I've met now and realize that he would be their age and it just makes me feel old. I know I am not past my prime and neither is he, but there is a difference between late twenties and a teenager.

I've nicknamed him "Charlie" on this site in previous posts. It is a fake name and I don't know why I hide his name. Maybe it is because I never told him how I felt for him. My memory is probably clouded and I think I'd like it to stay that way.

I met Charlie through bowling. This should come as no surprise, all of the guys I knew in high school were bowlers. Charlie was on my high school team and the first time I met him, I forgot his name. I got him confused with another new team mate. He was this quiet, shy boy who didn't talk much. That changed.

One day, on the way to practice, he was alive. He was vivid with excitement and just loving life. There was passion in his movements and a sparkle in his blue eyes. Those eyes were swimming behind his glasses and he had the most horrible hair cut ever (until he changed his hair again - then that was the worst!). He made me notice him that day.

Months went by and we continued to bowl together. Then we started going out after bowling. It was simple times. A night out could consist of playing pool or driving around with the group. Our group was innocent and dorky, playing games of "Truth or Dare" where the worst dare was the howl at the moon. Our truths consisted of questions like, "What is your favorite color?" and "What do you want to do when you grow up?" As I said, lame.

For New Year's Eve that year, the group headed to Camp Snoopy at the Mall of America. There are not many activities that under-age kids can do on New Year's and still be safe, but we found one. The time at the amusement park was actually pretty cool, riding rides and running around after our regular curfews.

A few weeks later, the group got together again for a Friday night out. We had a huge tournament the next morning, but that meant little. We were supposed to go bowling at a teen night place in Coon Rapids, but instead we drove around all night. There were stories told and secrets shared. I can remember that night with such clarity. There were only four of us that night. Liese, my best friend all through school, was there. Charlie was there. Charlie's best friend also tagged along. Our simple game of Truth or Dare actually got a little more intimate that night, we discussed "deep, dark secrets" and such. There were some less innocent dares, although looking back they were still pretty innocent. Liese knew I liked Charlie and dared me at one point to ask out the guy I liked.

I did. He did answer me that night. I think we officially went out for five hours. We shared a kiss at the end of the night, after everyone else had been dropped off. It was the first kiss that ever meant anything to me.

This whole story sounds so lame now. If you're still with me, I appreciate it. I haven't told this in a long time and just wanted to finally share.

After I got home, I tried to sleep. My stomach was full of butterflies. I was on Cloud 9 + three thousand and excited about the fact we were "dating". We'd been dating before that, but neither of us put the official words on it.

In the morning, I got up to go bowling. I had leagues first and then the tournament started. Our high school team was divided up for the tournament into two teams, our coach hoping to take home a couple of trophies. Charlie and I were on different teams. On the bright side, I was on the team that had the more experienced bowlers and the team I was on did much better in the tournament, but it still felt crummy to be on a different team.

The inevitable happened and we had to play the other team. The other team knew that we had better bowlers and so they tried to derive a strategy to increase their chances of winning. They wouldn't talk to us. I took this as a sign that Charlie was no longer interested. It was a bad call on my part, but the call I made.

The team I was on ended up winning the tournament. In all the excitement and tension (because high school bowling tournaments are so stressful - man, I was a nerd), I didn't get a chance to talk to Charlie throughout the day.

Then I let Liese take control of my love life. Her solution? A blind date with Bobby Ray which is now labeled in my history as the second worst date ever. It was first until the date with Pete night. Charlie took this as a signal I was no longer interested. And because we were both chickens and inexperienced in dating, neither of us said anything.

The school year continued and Charlie and I kept flirting with each other. We were inseparable and our parents thought we were a couple. All of our friends did too. He would be so sweet. He complimented me and stuck up for me and just made me value him as a friend even more.

That summer, I went to Germany. The weekend before departure, my friend Renee had a party. It was the lamest party ever, but we were trying to make it better. My friend Michelle and I had a plan to drop off some bikes and then head back to the party and spend some time driving. That's what suburbanite kids did back then, I guess. Well, we left Renee's and had three stops to make. Two were in Fridley and one was in Michelle's town. The trip took about an hour. During this time, my parents called Renee's house to see when the party would be over. My instructions were to come home right away after the party. I don't remember why anymore.

My ex-boyfriend and Renee's current boyfriend (another bowler - Paulie, actually) told my parents the party was over. So when we arrived back at Renee's, I had a message to call home immediately. I ended up in no trouble with my parents, explaining to them that we were just dropping off bikes and that we were under the impression that the party was still going on (and especially since it was still four hours before my curfew) but they wanted me home right away.

I have never been as angry with someone as I was with Paulie. I got in the car with Charlie and his best friend (whom I am not creative enough to give a fake name to right now) and lost my temper. I was upset and yelling and furious about why Paulie didn't trust me to come back to the party. Charlie said, so sweetly from the back seat, "I don't know why anyone wouldn't trust you. You're such an angel." This, of course, made the teenage girl cry because it was so sappy and sweet. I took the boys home and then went home myself.

When I went to Germany, I found myself missing my home and my friends more than I thought I would. One day, when it was really bad, I called back to the States on the calling card and finally got ahold of Charlie. We spoke on the phone for 45 minutes (yes, the phone bill was a bit expensive) and I just needed to talk to him. I needed to hear his voice on the other end of the phone line and know that I would be home and that I was missed. It sounds cheesy and it was.

The next year of school started soon enough and we were as inseparable as before. That winter I ended up dating a different guy, which I still kick myself for. But Charlie and I still spent a lot of time together, always innocent.

After graduation, Charlie and I still talked for a few years. Each summer we would get in contact with each other and spend a few weeks having the time of our lives. We did stupid things (such as driving to see a comet when it was cloudy and an incident with fireworks) and still had a great time. The last time I spoke to Charlie was right before I turned 21.

As this post shows, I still think of him. I remember that first boy who touched my heart and I have even written before that he is one of the muses I write to. I wrote so many letters in my journals that I never meant to send, but I am thankful that I knew him once. I will always remember that kid sitting behind the wheel of my car, his eyes sparkling with mischievousness and that grin that he had when he saw me.

He was the perfect innocent boy with a fun side to him. He was just dorky enough to make me trust him. He was able to make me feel special, make me feel like more than "one of the guys". It is a part of my personality that men seem to find me more of a friend than as a woman. I need to find a way to stop that. I don't know how and I don't think I'm going to go much farther into that topic right now. Maybe this week. Who knows?

He touched my heart. Maybe someday another man will again.

On Vacation and Not Posting as Much as I Thought I Would

Char has been in town all week long. She arrived last Friday evening (early Saturday morning) and the madness has ensued. On Saturday night, I met up with her, DM, my old boss Andy, her old roommate Matt, and Sarah (a banker) at the pool hall for some fun. Sarah and Matt spent the time playing pool while DM, Andy, Char, and I all giggled off to the side. I sometimes forget how funny Andy truly is. He had us all laughing over stories about how the U.N. has outlawed midget tossing (true story, apparantely).

Sunday was the day of craziness. That's been well documented. And I am never drinking again.

On Monday, DM and I relaxed a bit and then went to TGI Friday's to see my friend and get some food. After that, we went to Perkins and met up with Char, Matt, and Sarah. More embarrassing stories were told.

On Tuesday, I went to work for a team meeting and then went to play pool with Char, Andy, and DM. We went to Perkins after and met up with Sarah and Corrie. Again, more embarrassing stories were told.

On Wednesday, DM and I went to my mom's for dinner. I was able to see her new bathroom and we played with the animals. She gave us home made ice cream and butter (which DM's is still in my freezer - oops!). We got back to my place and watched Lost. I dropped DM off after the show and then went to Perkins for a quick bite to eat. Then I headed home and went to bed, the cold that has manifested in my sinuses begging for NyQuil.

On Thursday, I spent the day being lazy and then met up with Steve when he got off work. We headed to the casino to make our donations. He broke even. I did not. We ended up gambling for about 6 hours and then headed back to the cities. We both wanted ice cream (a billboard on the way up to the casino made it look good) and headed to Perkins again. I should buy stock in Perkins. Then I dropped him off at his car at work and headed home. Char had also made an appearance at the casino, arriving after us and leaving before us.

I have a feeling more serious posts are coming, in response to my mood. There's a lot going on in my head these past few days and I'm trying to find a way to express it. I'm not good with emotions. I can do happy. That's about it.

What I've also learned about Sunday night:

Steve's roommate Steve did take off his ear. DM was correct.
I talked about my "J. Lo" booty and how my butt is a "bubble".
I fell down a lot and Steve spent much of the evening picking me up and holding me up in my chair.
My hair was petted. It was not by Angie.

There's probably more. But it scare me more and more.

In Response to Some Comments...

Yes, it has been established that DM and I got extremely drunk on Sunday night. We've spent over a full day now going, "Oh My God ..." insert something from the posts.

I did not delete the drunken posting. I will not either. I kind of find it funny. DM and I will giggle again about it.

As for hangovers, neither of us got one. My arms hurt a little from all the crawling I did, but I had no headache and DM did not either. Call us lucky.

First, the comment I left on one of the posts to clarify and expand:

"First off, it was more than $90 worth of liquor. Steve was evil and bought a few of the drinks without our permission. He's not allowed to pay for anything. Even things he consumes. Like lunch. He can buy his own clothing. But his sister buys good clothes for him. (This is an extension of the fact that when Steve and I go to lunch, it is business-related. I can't pay him for his lunches so I tend to pick up the check. It annoys him.)

I also hugged some random woman. I think I told her I was not a lesbian and then she said, "You could be bi." I said, "No, I like dick." She does too. So we hugged.

I have not dated a vampire. That is a post in waiting. I will explain later (actually, now - a banker asked me, "Aren't you the one who dated a vampire?" This may be the strangest question I've ever been asked. I have not dated a vampire; I don't actually believe in vampires. It makes it hard to date one.) This is completely unrelated to drunken karaoke.

I still don't remember why a certain person bahs at me like a sheep. It may have to do with a story about pool hall days. And scary, old men who would not score double digits on a purity test. But they did not engage in activities with a sheep while in a cemetery.

We can ignore the ***** lick ****. Not appropriate. Ever!

I told James that my boobies, Angie's, Amy's, Liz's, Sarah's, and Char's boobies were off limits. I did not tell him DM's boobies were on limits, but it was implied. And he's not an idiot. Also, he is not opposed to licking.

I guess I told many people, or just the one repeatedly, that I was horny. I do not remember this at all. I remember everything else. Not that though. I may be repressing it, or someone is lying. I vote for repressing.

I now remember how to spell crazy. See? It is C-R-A-Z-Y. Without the dashes. Like this: crazy.

And I'm commenting, sober!

That is all. Oh, and neither DM or I are EVER drinking again. No matter how much certain people tell us that it wasn't that bad and it was just funny. They left early!"

The magic ducks do not vibrate. They just glow in colors.

We did not drive home. We had rides. From sober people. That is important. And because I usually drive, it is a reason why I don't drink.

I'm still not prepared to share what I shared with people at the bar. I didn't want to share with them and I don't really want it out in the open. Not exciting.

Unfortunately there were no pictures of James that night. Our photographer left a bit early. Sorry!

I'm going to visit work tonight for a meeting (I have the week off) and it should be interesting. I will probably find out more terrible things said. Yikes!

The Post Written While Sober About When We Were Drunk

Oh My God. This afternoon has been spent cringing from the memories rushing to our consciousnesses. Oh My God.

Two weeks ago, Char called and said she would be in town. Yea! This is happy news. And since many people I know keep telling me that they'd like to see me drunk, I thought, "How better to celebrate Char being here than to get intoxicated?"

The HI-larity ensues.

We got to the Chalet right before 9:30 and started drinking. And drinking. And drinking.

Did you know that in 5 hours you can completely destroy your reputation and want to move away to another country?

The evening started with ducks. Char gave DM ducks for Christmas. DM says they are magic ducks and she "glow ducked" for a bit. Here are the ducks. They change color.



We wore clothing to accentuate our breasts. The word of the night was not "breasts" but "boobies!" As in, "I have boobies!" No one can say they do not know this now. And here are pictures of our boobies.

DM:



Me:



Steve (who does not actually have boobies. We covered that):



(He was feeling left out, being surrounded by boobies. There was a lot of cleavage going on.)

Then I tried on glasses. These are Angie's glasses.



These are Sarah's. DM said this picture makes me look like I'm about to perform acts on men that I should not discuss here.



We all sang. I was glad when I no longer sang. It was not pretty after midnight. This is Steve singing:



He sang Matchbox Twenty - Unwell. I think. I am sure it was MB20, but not entirely sure of what song. Oh, DM says it was Unwell. He dedicated it to me. I thought he was saying I was drunk. I told him I was drunk and he said, "No, you're Beth."



Dana sang Stokin'. She is "Slur-i-cane Dana" now.



Someone told me to dance. And I listened.



I listened too much.



Yeah, I listened and waited for someone to tell me not to listen anymore. No one did.



I kept telling people, "I have boobies!" I may have also said, "The difference between men and women is dicks and boobies. I have boobies! [I'm editing out the rest.]"



Some lady sang, "Play That Funky Music." Amy wanted to dance. So I joined her. I'm sure she asked me to. And I couldn't say no. Here's the proof. Notice the chair helping me stay upright.





There were many people there for us to embarrass ourselves in front of. See?

Sara





This is Craig. I kissed him on the cheek, twice. After I told him to kiss me on the nose. I also told him that if I was in a different point of my life, I'd have a crush on him. He has kids. Steve said, "Do you really not like him, or is it an excuse?" I said it was an excuse that I can live with.





Group shots!

Steve is a good team lead. I hope he doesn't tell people at work how drunk I was.



Angie is fun. We like her. We "lava" her.



Look! It's the drunk girls! We look tough. We probably would have grabbed our boobies if we wouldn't have fallen over.



Craig and Angie, non-drunken people



Angie, Amy and I



Hey, guess what. I continued to dance. I may have fallen down a few times. People helped me get back up.



More drunken dancing:



And I still continued to drink:



I also wanted to show my pretty, lacy underwear to people. I told Benny and Ke about it. I showed Craig. I told DM, "I think I have a wedgie."



We were brought home safely. Char drove me. Sarah drove DM. Once we got back home, we continued being drunk. I crawled a lot. We laughed. It was funny.







So, now the non-pictured part of the evening.

There is a clip on my camera of black. It has us talking.

B: Help!
D: Oh shit, I'm recording. Oops.
B: I have boobies!
D: Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe! (Snort)

What did the pictures miss? DM kissed James. She licked him twice. She told him that she's like him since last January and that he is the sexiest man in the universe. He, apparantly, did not know. So the information from Dean was not completely accurate. DM may want to hurt Dean.

DM told the entire table she was "fucking horny" and that she "swallows."

I was fascinated by noses. I kept touching my nose. And then I started touching other people's noses. Part of this is from the fact that if you touch Char's nose and say in a chirper voice, "Nose!", she will laugh. It does not work on Steve. Especially when you poke him in the eye. I told him, "I can't feel my nose. I can feel your nose!"

Angie and Steve sat next to me so they got the grunt of a non-touchy-feely person drunk who becomes touchy-feely. I think someone petted my hair. I can't remember if it was Angie or not.

I told Angie, Amy, Craig, Char, James, Bryan, Benny, Bobby, and Liz something I should never share in public. I also told Matt, Char's old roommate. Oops. This little fact about me is not something I would suggest sharing with people. It does make DM feel a little better about the kissing James and telling him that she likes him.

I think I text messaged the player and asked him if he "was still hot?" Actually, I wrote, "I'mwvery0drunk r u stilleffhng hot?"

I don't feel bad today though. Other than embarrassment, I don't have a hangover. My arms hurt a little from crawling on the floor, but no head problems.

There is probably more funny stories, but I don't remember all of them. They do sometimes surface and I groan in embarrassment again.