Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Advice Anywhere I Look

Well, leave it up to me to not be discrete about my life. There are some things about myself I keep extremely confidential and yet there are some things I can't seem to contain. I guess this is normal, but I need to be better at keeping certain facts about myself less known.

What am I referring to? THE BOY. What else? Can I think of anything else? Huh? Could I? (Sorry, there's my internal nagging kicking in.)

In my excitement, I've told, oh let's see, EVERYONE about my crush. I'm going to end up extremely embarrassed soon about this entire thing. Well, if I end up hurt, at least everyone will know the back story, right?

I walked into work today and was asked by at least 15 people how THE DATE went. Everyone got a good chuckle out of it. And every single one of them offered some piece of advice about what to do.

What to do??? How about nothing! Yes, I still want to do something, but I have no clue what anymore and I'm confused as all heck and everyone has an idea and what they would do (yeah, right, that's why they're all still single, uh huh). Except I can't do what someone else would do. Then it wouldn't be what I would do.

How come advice is always so easy to dish out but so hard to take? I'm not talking about all advice, I'm mainly referring to dating advice. I guess I take some of it to heart, but the people at work don't really have the full story or what I think or who I am and what limitations I have for myself to consider.

There's the woman who complains about her married life constantly (she's usually joking though. This is a different person than the woman who just complains about everything. This complaining is usually more light hearted and funny. Like, "My son shows more affection than my husband does. At least he'll make a good husband.") She seems to feel that I NEED a man in my life and that if I'm not married within 3 months, I'm doomed for all eternity. If that were true, I wouldn't care so much as who the guy was, just that he was a man then. Um, what happened to finding actual compatibility and LIKING the person you might date. Hello??? She tells me to write letters and notes and be EXTREMELY forward with THE BOY. Anyone who knows me IRL may or may not think I'm forward. When it comes to friendship and work, I can be forward. When it comes to anything intimate at all, I'm so completely opposite, it's ridiculous. Case in point, I had a fight with Adam once and he and I actually spent 6 hours in the living room talking about it. Or, for a better description, he spent 6 hours trying to get me to actually tell him what was bothering me. You know, as bad as some of the fights were with Adam, he did take that one time to force me to open up. It's odd, he felt he hurt me by doing that and I felt that was the time he actually showed that he cared about what I was feeling. See, I bring it on myself.

Okay, back to topic. Advice, right? Well, one woman told me today that I should invite THE BOY over for a home cooked meal.

Who's laughing? There are so many problems SCREAMING at this suggestion.

1. My apartment is a disaster area. No way am I inviting him over here without massive cleaning and organizing. I guess I could do this in about a day. It's not a major reason against it, just something I found as an excuse. (Yes, I have reservations and I will find excuses to avoid certain things. Him seeing where I live without more progression is something I'm afraid of. Sue me.)

2. I can't cook! Ha! Well, that's not entirely true. I can cook, but I don't cook. I don't prepare for meals and so I tend to have a completely random diet. I guess I could try to make the horrible "pasta" salad I made one night. Let's see, it consisted of pasta (al dente! 'Cause I didn't boil it long enough) and Italian dressing. I added a piece of cheese too. It was lame. Then there was the baked apple experiment. Why the heck did I try to make 6 apples at once? Besides the fact I messed them up, what was I thinking? I live alone and I don't need 6, that's right 6 apples for myself! I could make sloppy joe's. Or steak. That's about it. Or I could microwave some leftovers from my dad's. That's cool, isn't it. (It's okay, that's sarcasm.)

3. That's WAY too much for a casual get together to get to know someone. I'm so not looking for an immediate intimacy with someone. Cooking a meal for someone seems a little too close to a defined relationship than I'm ready for. Plus, it would freak the crap out of him! (And me.) There's a good setting, yeah, right!

The best response I got was from the 60-year old married woman. She didn't so much as offer advice, but just reacted to the story. She smiled and laughed and just gave her thoughts on different parts of the story. She was especially interested in the song that THE BOY sang at karaoke. She loves this song and may be the only person at work who actually knew what the heck it was. I just realized that my taste in music is so similar to hers that it's scary.

The people who know me really well (Matt and DM), have each offered their opinions. I can handle this. I am still FREAKED OUT at the suggestion of exchanging phone numbers, even though the logical part of my brain says this would be a good idea. I just hate talking on the phone and then there's the whole, "What if he doesn't call?" factor. I don't want to worry about that. I like being able to just be frustrated with how SLOW A WEEK PASSES but I don't have to think, "He's not calling. He must hate me." Does anyone else think these thoughts, or am I just insane? I think I'm insane. As horrible as it is, there is comfort in him not knowing my phone number. Then I don't have to worry about screwing up.

I do think it would be wonderful to get to know him outside of karaoke. I would like to go to a place where pressure is minimal but I can still hear him talk. I think I'd like to go play pool. A pool hall would have alcohol if he wanted a beer and it would have music, but it's not so loud that you can't hear another person. I feel comfortable in pool halls. And it doesn't have the horrors of watching the other person eat and the set schedule of: order food, wait for food, eat food, pay bill, leave. One can play pool as long or as short as they want.

Movies are completely out of the question too. As much as I love going to movies, they are not social events. Movies are a way to escape the world for a couple of hours. One is being told a story. If you want to make a movie a social event, go to the movie with someone but have plans to do something afterwards. Then you can talk about the movie or anything else. But the talking comes AFTER the movie.

So, I don't know what to do at all. I want it to be natural so I try not to plan anything out. I know I should be more assertive or something, but I can't plan that. And this whole thing bothers the heck out of me because it's NOT LOGICAL. There is no set formula to follow. That's why I'm so HORRIBLE at it. And it's driving me insane.

On a random, funny note that somewhat ties into the topic (but only because it involves logic and THE BOY). Would a man find it strange for a woman to tell him, "I like your hair because it is organized and logical"? I know this sounds completely strange. I have a friend from high school who is a hair stylist. She's always wanting to put layers in my hair and I try to stand up to her. She tells me how much body my hair will have and all that, but I still resist. Why? Because layers look messy to me. It looks chaotic and I can't handle that on my head. It should be functional or at least symmetrical.

God, I'm insane.

Okay, I guess what I wanted to say at the beginning of this post but lost completely throughout it is that I appreciate the advice, but don't expect it to magically fit what I can do. I just need to obtain information and process it. Yes, that's going back to finding a formula, but I NEED that. I need to think the situation out myself and I appreciate input, but it comes down to it's ME that does the actions. I know I want to be a little less reserved and a little more forward, but I also can't overdo it. I need it to feel like something I decided on. I really wish THE BOY was more forward. But then, that might scare me too.

GAR! Sometimes the only answer is to talk like a pirate.

And there are no immediate answers. That's what my brain doesn't like.

I just realized that when it comes to dating and a love life, I'm so the child of my father. He's the man who had one girlfriend in his entire life and he married her. I've had more than one boyfriend and I'm not going to marry any of the past ones, but I can understand his fear of the unknown. It's not even a fear of getting hurt. It's more a fear of going outside of my bubble.

Okay, I'm shutting up now. I lost all track of what I was saying. And I'll try to focus on school or something for the next few days.


At 9:00 AM, CarpeDM said...

"GAR! Sometimes the only answer is to talk like a pirate."

Well, that would be interesting.

You need to do what you need to do. I like the pool hall idea the most. Because I do know you and that would be the most comfortable and safe situation. Okay, got to go, time for work. Love ya!

At 10:28 AM, The Lioness said...

Wow wow wow!!! WOW. Now I feel terrible bcs i did say that abt exchanging phone numbers but see: a) the idea was to exchange them AFTER you'd arranged a date so you could contact each other in case something came up (like him having to work); b) if you exchange numbers, then you can call him. Now, I'm not forward myself when it comes to men, I pretty much regress and leave it almost all up to them in those initial stages (must suck to be a man, poor tings!) but this much I've learned, and I'm talking abt me only: if you have his number, you can call and see how it goes. It's not exactly being forward, which is why i sometimes CAN do it,. Maybe. And if he's not interested, he's an ass and good riddance. Again, this is just me, see a) for what I meant. I'm never open abt going out w men to the world at large, too careful for that, i figure i don't need the grief if it goes horribly wrong. But that's silly also bcs who hasn't been there? So i've been slowly coming out and hope some day to find a middle ground.

I really didn't mean to freak you out and hope it will geta more peaceful soon, whatever that entails. I really do. Hugs and kisses. (Layers would look great on you BT w your hair, and they're not messy. They're bed-messy which isn't messy at all!)(shutting up now)

At 10:29 AM, The Lioness said...

Oh, was so shocked by the phone bit I forgot to say I translated the Arnie sentence for you dahling.

At 1:21 PM, Matt said...

Little Sister, I again would like to say I wish that I had the magic words for you, but sadly I do not. I agree with DM the pool hall idea is great, you are very comfortable there. As for the phone thing, I said enough about that the other night I really can't say anymore.I am hoping that all goes well fro you this week, and I am looking forward to Friday night and Queen time. I will talk to you later, hope you have a good night at work, take it easy.

At 3:43 PM, Firebear said...

No right or wrong answer. You are a terrific person, the comment you lift me today just was wonderful, thank you. I have no doubt you will work this out, no matter what the out come.