Sunday, December 12, 2004

In which an agonizing week still drives me insane

I don't know what I want to say tonight, but I'm just going to type. First off, I am now officially out of Coca-Cola and this is a bother. I have started drinking Coke again (the realization that I forgot about it prompted me to start up again) and now I'm out and this is just bad.

This is what I said to DM:

"I'm out of Coke. I may hurt someone. But I'd have to drive to find a weapon and I'd probably find a gas station first and there would be the lovely, lovely Coke. The availability of Coke over weapons has saved the world a whole lot of pain." She thinks I'm crazy. Oh, wait, I am.

It is finally Sunday, but only because it's after midnight on Saturday. I haven't gone to bed yet, DM and I are making holiday cards. We're crafty. (Giggle appropriately.)

While on break at work tonight, I called my big brother and asked him if I could get mad at THE BOY. Why, you ask? Because I can't sleep. I think the conversation would go like this:

THE BOY: Why are you mad at me?
Me: Because I can't sleep.
THE BOY: And that's my fault?
Me: Yes, it's because I keep thinking of you that I can't sleep!

But then, that's too forward and I can't share that stuff. Right?

Should I tell him that I discovered I can kick myself in the head tonight? (Not really, but I did realize that I can touch my toes to my forehead.) Maybe not.

My stomach is going insane. It's revolting against me. This is not nice. My stomach is not on my happy list right now. I have a happy list. This is part of it:

Happy List Not on Happy List
Stuff Stomach

Simple, right? I keep thinking I'm going to lose the food I have managed to remember to eat. Then I'm reminded of Wayne's World. "Dude, if you blow chunks and she runs, it was never meant to be." Except I would switch the "she" to "THE BOY". I don't want to throw up on him. That would be bad. And REALLY, REALLY embarrassing.

I'll be at karaoke in about 15 1/2 hours. I don't know if he'll actually show up or not, but I'm hoping he will. How bad will this hurt if he doesn't show up?

At this point, do I like him or do I like the idea of him? Long weeks do that to me. And this week was WAY TOO LONG!!!

I'm exhausted and I'm not ready to fall asleep. I have always been a person to get at least 8 hours a night and now I can lay there for three hours before my mind finally starts to shut down the conscious parts.

Does anything I type make sense? I am so lost in thought, I have no clue if there is a progression of topics or not. Wait, no progression, everything is about THE BOY.

On a non-Boy related note, school is awful. I hate my teacher. He is stupid. And mean. And I'm now officially lost over this computer stuff. Why was the first week so basic and where did we go from "a mouse is a pointing device" to "set up a networking system complete with programming for manufacturing firms operating overseas"? He actually marked me down because I didn't put a comma in a sentence that SO DOESN'T NEED A COMMA! I'd share the sentence, but the entire thing is about the bank I work for and I don't have the energy to translate to NABABNA language.

Well, at least I went BOY-free for 32 seconds that time. I might make it up to a full minute by the end of next week.

I didn't mention here that I think he either plays guitar or tries to play guitar. I'm not entirely sure. Maybe I made that up. Now I don't remember. I think he plays guitar or used to. I want to know more. There are so many questions I have for him and I know I'll be too chicken to ask.

I have a bad feeling about Sunday night. I don't know why I do, but I do. For some reason, I feel that I've built this whole thing up WAY too much in my mind and he won't even show up. Don't ask why I think that. I don't know why. I want him to be there and maybe I want it too much. Yes, I know I'm being dumb and dragging my feet and thinking the worst, but I can't help it. And there's no way this feeling will go away other than to have him walk (stride) in tonight.

I wish he'd just make a move. I'm so afraid of making one. I'd be receptive of a move. I might scream out of joy first, but I'd be receptive.

I don't know what to say anymore. I've confused myself more than his actions confused me. That's not a good sign. Why do I let myself talk myself out of being happy about this? What is it about myself that makes me do that? Am I setting myself up for rejection? Am I setting myself up for failure? Am I really that stupid?

Can I have my life back? Do I want my life back? Questions prompt more questions.

I hope he's there. I don't know. I can't write anymore. I've finally run out of words.


At 2:27 PM, The Lioness said...

Awww, sweetie. Are you there yet??? Is he there yet??? Did it go well? I'll so need to hurt him if not. (your last email was hysterical dahlings and Beth, did you call me "daft"??? the mind boggles! ;D )

At 2:58 PM, CarpeDM said...

Lioness, Beth didn't call you daft. I think I did. Not sure.

Beth, the first thing we do today (after leaving the apartment, I should say) is get you some Coke. I'll have to do my part to save the world from your Coke deprived wrath.

Now, about THE BOY.

You are only going to say something stupid if you keep thinking you're going to say something stupid. Relax. I know that seems almost impossible now but it can happen. If he's not there tonight, it'll be okay. He's not been there other nights and you've survived. It'll suck majorly and I may have to kick his ass but you'll survive.

This is not about success or failure. This isn't work. This isn't school. This isn't even rocket science. It's about a boy (sorry, couldn't resist) who you like and who seems to like you. I've witnessed the way he looks at you, how you are both into each other (I mean, hello, neither of you noticed when I, the Queen of the freakin' Universe, got up to sing for Nate. Obviously you're into each other), how his face lights up when he sees you.

"Love stinks (yeah, yeah)" but it's also worth it. And the only reason I used the love word was because it worked for the quote so please don't hit me. I know this isn't love, but it's pretty major like.

Sometimes you have to put yourself out there and it may lead to rejection. But it also may not. And it may lead to something wonderful. At the very least, just remember these words and you'll be okay.

You're very special. You're one of the best friends I've ever had. You're smart and beautiful (if I hear one scoff from you, I'm kicking your ass) and funny and one of the kindest people I know. Any man who has you as a part of his life is extremely lucky. I know this because you're a part of my life and I feel honored to know you (I mean it. No scoffing!) and to call you my friend (and daughter).

I know saying this is futile but I'm going to try it anyway. Stop over-analyzing this. Just let it happen. If it's meant to be, it will be. No amount of worry or fear is going to change that.

I may break into song now so I'm going to stop...oops, too late.


God, I love The Beatles.

At 3:21 PM, Laura said... are so much like me. I hope you get more coke, too ^^ Good luck with THE BOY.

At 4:36 PM, Matt said...

Little Sister,
I know that you have heard it from me already, and you have heard it from Futher, now you are going to hear it from me again, you are a tremendous preson with one of the largest hearts I have ever seen, and you are beautiful. I have a feeling that THE BOY already knows this and has seen it for himself and that is why he is showing the intrest that he is. (Yes I have seen it and it is definetly intrest, I don't know what else to call it) I know that this week has been one of the longest, and toughest weeks of your life, and if he is not there tonight I will be really upset, because I would have driven all the way there just to sing some songs. And spend time with you and Futher. Which is not bad in any way, don't get me wrong, but I am hoping that he is there so that I can see for myself, one way or another, if it is for sure interest and not something that I misread. I know that I have not, but I would like to be sure. I am sorry that this has made you over analyze everything that has happened this week, but yet at the smae time I am happy to see you acting this way. Only because it is so cute and fun seeing your eyes light up for no reason other than you have his face in your mind. I will see you later, hope that your day is good and that this has not distracted your thoughts away from Ocean's Tweleve so much.
See you later,
Big Brother