Monday, December 13, 2004

Waiting to Dream

It's official. I haven't slept in 28 hours now. I think I'm about ready to pass out (hopefully!!!) but I felt the need to share a few of the things I realized or thought about tonight.

As I was driving over to my big brother's house to spend a couple of hours with him, I thought about THE BOY and if he'd call. Now, there is the whole, "Give it a few days" thing that seems to be part of our culture. There is the not appearing too anxious or desperate. I came to acceptance (well, kind of - I still want him to call RIGHT NOW) during the drive. This is normal. I couldn't figure out why I didn't think it was normal until I realized that the model for dating that I've been using is not the typical romantic courting process. I've been basing the whole idea of time on someone else's patterns of relationships and that person's patterns always seemed so quick to me. Duh. Right? I shouldn't be basing the whole idea of dating on someone's whose pattern was always, meet them, bring them home, have them live at your shared apartment for two weeks and then never see them again. I don't want to base anything on that and realizing that I was doing it helps with the waiting game.

I thought about THE BOY's smiles tonight. So far, I can tell he has at least two different smiles. When he's happy (this is the smile I got when I handed him the piece of paper with my phone number on it), he does a little lop-sided smile. His left side of his upper lip raises up higher than the right side, revealing the tips of his teeth. When he's pushed a little more and stays in the happy state, his smile increases. (This is the smile I got when I mentioned I don't work on Saturday night.) Then both sides lift up equally. His eyes shine on both smiles.

I tried to think of why I was attracted to this boy over other boys at the bars. What is the difference? It's not so much about him here, but more a look into myself to see what I'm looking for. I am going to use Pete as a comparison, but pretty much any man I've disregarded has some of these qualities apparent in their personality (or lack of personality).

When THE BOY looks at me, he smiles and I like that I brought happiness to his face. When Pete looks at me, there is nothing there. It's like he's looking at a wall. No spark of intellect shines through. (It's such a blessing that he's not much of a conversationalist, at least he keeps quiet.) I get the impression that THE BOY approached our table that fateful night because he wanted to get to know me. With Pete, I get the impression he's on a never-ending pursuit of having sex. I doubt that looks, personality, intelligence, or humor plays any factor in his standards.

This might sound petty, but I think THE BOY has standards and I feel special to be included in those standards. Does that make any sense? I just feel (when he looks at me) that I matter. I like that feeling. So, I hope he calls. I'd like to see where this could go.

There were some men at the pool hall who used to hit on me. What is the difference here? I asked myself that question. Was it physical attributes or intelligence or age? I would say no to all three of those categories. Granted, I'm attracted to someone a little closer to my age, but these men weren't outside that range. (I can say that a man who lives with his ma at age 30 needs to get out. This is not because he's living with his "ma", but because if he can't support himself, I don't want anything to do with him. And that doesn't mean he needs to make lots of money, just that I appreciate a man who can be responsible for himself. I get having a run of hard luck, that happens to everyone. But someone who just never chose to move out is not first on my list.)

At the pool hall, there were some extremely intelligent men. But I wasn't attracted to them. There were also some extremely funny men. The one guy there that I was slightly attracted to was smart but loved to laugh. He smiled a lot. Smiles go a long way for me. I think I'm just looking for a happy person. Someone I can be happy around.

Also, I don't appreciate being a last resort. I got that a few times at the pool hall, mainly because one other female in our group (lots of men, three women) was so dominant and she loved to be the center of the men's fantasies. She is a tease and sometimes she goes too far. I still like her as an acquaintance, but I steer clear of her. Her intentions for others are not to make them feel good, but to make herself feel better by making others feel bad. I was never at the receiving end of this, but I was the one stuck comforting the men she destroyed.

I am quite sleep deprived right now so all of this may not make any sense. I've lost all self-critique. What got me on the topic of my friend being mean? Oh yeah. The men at the pool hall and how they differ from THE BOY. I got the impression from them, as I do with Pete, that I'm just a female and I have the right parts. With THE BOY, I feel special and "picked". I would pick him as well. It's something I'm looking for. I don't want to settle for just "some guy", I do have some respect for myself. I do struggle with the thoughts, "But if he is a guy I'd like, why would he like me?" This is just myself beating myself up and it's not healthy. I still think it, but I don't think it very much. That sounds bad, doesn't it? That sounds like, "Hey, Beth, you're not worth it." That's not exactly what I think. I do think I'm worth it, I'm just trying to see what made him pick me in the first place. And maybe he didn't pick me, but I get that impression. I usually read people pretty well and I do second guess myself, but usually my first impression turns out pretty close to the truth. The second guessing usually just ends up confusing me.

I don't know what I wanted to say now. It is time for me to turn in. It's early for me, but hey, maybe I'll get a couple of extra hours of sleep tonight and be fresh tomorrow at work.

By the way, it was 9 degrees outside when I drove home from Matt's. I don't like how quickly the temperature dropped this weekend. I can't change it, but I don't like it. It's cold outside!

Good night.


At 1:42 PM, The Lioness said...

Why is it petty wanting a man to have standards??? And I don't care the reason, you're 30 and live w Mummy, scoot! It was LOVELY sharing insomnias with you, just lovely!