Thursday, December 09, 2004

Extreme Compatibility

Sounds like a reality show, doesn't it? The title for tonight's CRAZY train post is from my conversation with Matt.

I am going to just write and see what comes out tonight. I'm going insane inside my head and I think I just need to get things out. Not that the things are necessarily bad, just my brain has gone into complete overactive mode.

You know how hard it is to type the word brain? I keep wanting to flip the vowels. Hey, surprise, you might get THE BOY's real name by doing this. ARGH!

Alright, so last night I wrote a post called Advice Anywhere I Look. There are a few things I want to go into from that post.

1) Anyone reading this site should not feel that I don't appreciate the advice. I do appreciate all of it and the people reading this site consistently know more about me and what I feel inside than my co-workers do. My co-workers see me as this crazy, bouncy person who is always upbeat and claps at dumb things. I have been asked if I've ever considered being a pre-school teacher who moonlights as a lawyer with about 20 children. I'm seen as the mother-figure who happens to like going on logical vants on the quality assurance team and I have a good success rate at it.

That said:

Lioness, Do NOT feel terrible about the phone number business. I KNOW I should exchange phone numbers with THE BOY and I was only trying to explain how much outside my comfort bubble this is. Layers may still be a big step for me (actually, I've had them before and I hated them every moment. I couldn't wait for my hair to grow out and I could get rid of them. But then, I've always wanted the long, straight hair of hippies, even if I'm not a hippy. Strange? Yes.)

DM, Thank you for acknowledging the fact that the situation I am looking for needs to be comfortable and safe. That is a priority for me and I appreciate how much you saw that. I may drag you with me (which probably defeats the idea of a date, but whatever). I still think you're the greatest friend EVER for faking an asthma attack to get out of the "HOW DID I END UP ON A DATE WITH PETE?" In fact, EVERYONE thinks you're the greatest friend ever. And that you're bloody brilliant. You are.

Big Brother, I appreciate how much you are there to listen. Even if I'm going crazy, you are there, helping me try and hold onto the one piece of sanity left in my head. I'm not sure where that piece is, but you're helping me find it. I have to honestly say I have never met a MAN who is so AWESOME at listening. You have a skill and the women of the world THANK YOU for it. Seriously folks, Matt is one hell of a listener. He lets you know that he would like to solve your problems, but he can't. So he offers an ear and helps you think out what you are trying to say, feel, think. I appreciate the phone calls this week. I hate* talking on the phone but you've made it fun.

Oh, while I'm on the subject of talking to Matt on the phone, I need to share a short story.

On Sunday, as I was dropping DM off at home after karaoke, she said, "I can see you and THE BOY still doing this when you're 80."

In relaying this to Matt, he says, "No she won't. She'll be 102 and have a hard time seeing anything."

To which I replied, "She'll only be 91!" I was defiant in defending DM's age. Don't make her 11 years older than she is. Come on!

Uncle Larry, Thank you for your support. Your words made me smile and made me realize that I may over analyze this whole thing, but what will happen will still just be what will happen. I do appreciate the letting me see there is no answer, even if I can't let go of trying to find one. I feel better knowing that I can keep looking, but I don't need to find the answer. If that makes any sense at all.

So, back to stuff. I don't know what stuff is, but back to it.

Today at work, 6 more people asked me about Saturday night. Oh God! Why can't I keep my mouth shut about this whole thing? Oh yeah, because I'm so excited I can barely sit still. That's why. I got more advice dished out to me. The funniest may have been, "Be natural and aggressive." Um, hello? Being aggressive is not my style so how could that remotely resemble being natural? But then, I do have to acknowledge that the people at work see me as the one with absolutely no fear. Who needs to fear the business world? That's business, not human. It's easy to be aggressive at work. There are no consequences of being seen as that crazy lady who likes a certain BOY. So of course they all think I should be able to date THE BOY. I don't know if this is true. Maybe he doesn't like me (and then I'm really confused as to all the signals given off. I'm probably 99.99% positive he "digs" me, but I'm still chicken.)

And WHY ISN'T it Sunday yet? Huh? Yeah, that's right. I want it to be karaoke night again. And then I remember, it's not good to wish days of your life away. So I guess frustration works. It's about Wednesday night each week I wish I had his phone number or he had mine and he would call. I can get through Monday and Tuesday fine, but come Wednesday, I start really wishing for time to speed up and I could try to do SOMETHING (that I don't know, even after this much crazy thought) at karaoke. Ug!

Oh, and the random crazy thought last night, I did that with NO CAFFEINE. I forgot to drink Coke yesterday. That's how much THE BOY is on my mind. I have been addicted to Coca-Cola since I was 1 1/2 years old and I FORGOT to drink some. I've only had one can of Coke tonight and I'm still going into over worked and under paid mode with my mind. Maybe the caffeine would calm me down. It usually has a more soothing effect on me anyway.

You think sleep would stop this process. No. Not a chance. In fact, I've started having dreams about this entire thing. Not cool, fun dreams (like what I'd like to do to THE BOY *smile a sly grin*) but dreams about thinking about what to do about THE BOY situation. Even MY DREAMS are resembling a logical vant. This is torture.

Also, does anyone else's dreams ever start out with a title sequence? That may have been the oddest thing I've ever run into during my stay at the Land of Nod. Seriously, my dreams last night started with a title (such as the first one, "The Dream in Which Beth Contemplates How She Would Respond to...") and a cast of characters. I don't even watch TV and my dreams are turning into sitcoms. Oh look, there's a man with a pretty white jacket at my door. Should I open it?

And I keep thinking I'm going to turn into one of THOSE WOMEN. You know what I'm talking about. The ones that have to know the feelings and what he's thinking. Here's the thing (men, cover your eyes, this is extremely sexist and I do apologize but I'm saying it anyway) about what men are thinking. If a man is staring at the wall and a woman asks him, "Whatcha thinkin'?" he will reply, "Nothing." He replies this not because he is hiding anything, but because he's either thinking of nothing or he's forgotten what it was once his train of thought was broken. I swear, if I EVER ask a man this, I'm going to slap myself.

Shoot me now.

And yet, this entire thought process is not a miserable one. I am frustrated, but I still like thinking about THE BOY. I have it bad for him. I haven't felt this way is such a long time and I'm scared to death, but I'm still feeding off the rush. I had forgotten what it feels like to have this much of a crush on someone.

For those wondering, I'm not just interested in him physically. In fact, that is usually the last thing I think of when I picture him. I don't know what it is specifically that draws me to him, other than the fact that when he smiles, his eyes light up and I can see more expression in them than I remember in another person. I'm sure others have expressive eyes, but I register his expression more. That sounds strange, yes, I get that. But it's what I feel.

Did I mention that I've looked him in the eyes more than I can explain and yet I can't tell you what color his eyes are? My brain completely shuts down when I look into those eyes and I can't remember the color of them. I thought for awhile that they might be a light, gray blue. Last week, I thought they might be a dark blue, but now I can't remember at all.

I told Matt tonight that when I look in his eyes, I feel like I've reached a Zen state where my mind goes free and nothing other than that look matters. It sounds petty and selfish, but I like the way he looks at me. I feel special to think that's the look someone has when they see me. I'm addicted to it. It's hard to explain, but it's like heroin. And I go through withdrawals. I didn't know I could get addicted to a person's eyes.

And all this about a man that I don't know his last name. I'm officially insane. At least I know I'm insane. That's the first step, right?

Being around him makes me such a flighty person. I'm not saying I sound like a valley girl or anything, but that I can't concentrate on multiple things at once. When he's there, I can only concentrate on him. That's all that registers. I feel bad about it too.

For example (and sorry DM, I don't mean this personally), at karaoke last Sunday, I was talking to THE BOY about a band that this guy, Nate, was singing a song from. The song he was singing was, "No Rain" by Blind Melon. I registered the music somewhere in the back of my head but I was talking to THE BOY. We were discussing another Blind Melon song and when it came out. The song was almost over when I looked up at the stage quickly. I looked back at THE BOY and it took a full 15 seconds before I did the double take. I looked back at him and said, "When did DM start singing this song?" He looked equally confused and said he had no idea. Neither of us registered what was going on RIGHT NEXT TO US. DM had been sitting across the table from me, not two feet away. How did I miss that? And I want to give DM the attention she wants when singing. I'm not sure I want this side effect of looking into his eyes. But I still crave it.

So imagine how disappointed I'd be if I go to karaoke on Sunday and he's not there. I will live of course, but I'll go even crazier over the next week.

On a side note, I have two posts for Out of the Mouths of Morons that I should work on. Which would you like to see first?
A) Blinded by the Light
B) What Some Will Spend to Save a Buck or Two

No man can possibly be worth all this thought, can they? It shouldn't be this crazy in my head, should it?

As always, thanks for reading. I appreciate your taking the time to just listen to my crazy thought process. I'm trying to share a little about who I am and I never know if I'm close to what I'm feeling, but I try. Sometimes it just helps to type and let my mind go. I can't get all the thoughts down on the computer fast enough and there is more running through my head at all times, but I try to share what I can. Hopefully my future posts won't need to be as unorganized and random.


*Five years of working in a call center can do that to a person.


At 8:49 AM, The Lioness said...

Dahlingest Beth, first of all, regardless of what we say, you will of course do what is best for you. Or at any rate, what you want to do. But I'll say this much from MY PERSONAL perspective: you are too loving not to take chances when meeting men that interest you. It'd be too much of a shame to waste something that could be lovely bcs of fear. Still, I understand that fear, I really really do. It must be especially bad for you bcs, well, it's not logical and there's nothing you can do to control the way you feel. Reading your post threw me back to times when I coulkdn't eat or sleep and could measure my blood pressure by placing a hand on my belly. Nothing is more terrifying and nothing is more exhilarating. I've often wondered how you survive during the week, now I know - barely, uh? It would drive me bonkers, absolutely! I think something is bound to happen soon bcs the tension has been mounting for weeks now and it's reaching a peak. It will sound shitty but I love that you are being ravaged by pherormones, hormones and biochemistry in general bcs I still think a) you needed to be thrown off-balance [i.e. bubble-bursting] and b) it will NOT be in vain, regardless of how much aggro THE freaking BOY has given you and ME (and BOYSTER, yes, I do take it personally, make the move already you slow-paced idiot, we're all dying here!)

Hugs and kisses, dahling, hugs and kisses.

(Loved figuring out HIS name, BTW)
(Go for the straight look if that's what you love. I'll still tell you with the RIGHT cut, layers would look smashing on your hair.)

At 6:24 PM, CarpeDM said...

Beth, great post. I agree with The Lioness, I think it's good for there to be some bubble bursting. Not bursting with disappointment but for you to step outside of your bubble.

You know, now that I'm looking at this, there seems to be more than I remember reading. Did I miss part of this? How did I miss this? Okay, reading over. How did I miss this? This is hilarious! I think I was reading part of it and I had to go to work. That's what happened.

Maybe it's mean but I'm glad you're going through this, a little. We've talked about how it's hard for you to stop processing everything and I'm glad that THE BOY can make your brain shut off a little bit, that you can reach that Zen-like state.

I like THE BOY, what I know of him so far. Not so thrilled with Pete. I wish it was Sunday as well. But tomorrow is Friday. That's good.

At 11:06 PM, Matt said...

Little Sister,
I loved thispost, I truly, truly did. I am glad that we are able to communicate the way that we do, and I am glad that I was able to take a couple of nights and make them fun and intresting on the phone for you. By the way, thank you so much Miss Beth, that was one of the nicest things that anyone has ever typed, or said about me. Thank you so much. I am truly honored to be your Big Brother, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Big Brother