Blogging just because it's here

Hello world. The party that I'm going to started almost two hours ago and I'm STILL at home. As it turns out, DM and Keem are both sick. I feel badly for them. Scott and Matt are supposed to go to the party, but the kids are grounded and Scott is staying home. Now I'm waiting for Matt to get the kids to bed and then he can go out. We still need to stop and pick up food and the $5 gifts (for an exchange).

It is on nights off that I realize how alienated I've made myself in life. I used to get calls every Friday and Saturday night, from all my friends. In high school, our group would get together each Friday and Saturday night. The group always had at least 8 people around and we had a blast. During my first years of college, I went out with friends all the time. Then I came to my pool hall days and every Friday and Saturday night was a get together. Eventually, I started hanging out with DM, Keem, Matt, and Adam after work from NABABNA. We had plans every night to do something.

Then DM went to days.

Then Matt went to days.

Then Adam went to days.

Then Keem went to days.

And now, I'm left on the night shift. So I don't call anyone when I get off work, since they're all asleep. It doesn't bother me much, until I have a night off of work. I have hopes for my night off to go out and spend time with those I love and laugh and giggle. Then I realize that they are all day people now and my ideas of going out are no longer the same.

Sometimes I think about going to the pool hall. That's no longer even an option, since the place closed down recently. I don't know why. I could call a couple of old friends to find out why, but I don't.

I love my job, I've mentioned that before. But I am really getting sick and tired of giving up so much of my social life for it. It was one thing when my circle of friends liked staying out late, but now it is lonely. That's really all I have to describe it by. It is lonely.

I'm not trying to be depressing, I'm just irked by what I've made of my social life.

And speaking of social life (here comes the vant that I know everyone has just been dying to read!!!), THE BOY has not called. I am soooooooo pissed off at him (at least, until I see him again or he calls). I hate these stupid little games that people feel the need to play in the dating world. Why? It's dumb. Who cares if you take 3 days to call? Who cares if you take a year to call? Who cares if you look forward or anxious? Here's the thing, I'd much rather go out with a guy who was EXCITED to talk to me. I don't want to go out with a guy who just thinks, "Well, there's something to do." Hello??? How does that make me feel? It makes me feel like you're sooooo not worth it.

I think I'm going to go back to my bubble of non-dating existence and live my logical, sane life. Yeah, that's the ticket. Like it will happen.

I don't feel rejected, mind you. I really don't. I did have some hopes (and I still harbor a couple of them) for getting to know THE BOY, but it really hasn't gone that far. I gave the guy my phone number. And he flirted with me (A LOT by the way). So what, right? Maybe it's just practice for something bigger and better.

Except...

It was fun to think that maybe he liked me. It was fun to feel special, to feel that a guy I was attracted to had some of the same feelings. I do have some problems with self-esteem. Most people don't think that when they see me, but I hide insecurities. I don't like my weight (I don't obsess about it, but I still don't like it), I think my nose is too big (thanks Grandma), and I don't like my teeth (Coca-Cola doesn't help). And since I normally attract those men who seem to only look at two things on my body (left and right, my, the choices!), I feel special when a guy I think is nice and funny and attractive talks to me like a human being.

It's weird, but the two men that I had the most physical relationships with were not the ones that I fell in love with. The interactions with them were the result of enormous amounts of alcohol but I remember the feelings I had the next days. I never thought, "Hey, we're dating now and we're going to get married and have 2.5 babies". No, I kept thinking, "Hey, someone was attracted to me and made me feel like a woman, not just like a friend." It's very hard for me to admit that I felt that way. I feel as if saying it makes me less of a person, and I don't know why I feel that way. I guess I just think it makes it sound like I used them. But I didn't. I was attracted to them and I felt good to have that equal attraction.

I was not looking for a one-night make out session with THE BOY. I don't know what I was looking for. Wait, I do know. I was hoping to get to know him and see if he's someone that I would like to date on a consistent basis. I did get wrapped up in the feelings of giddiness and being twitter-pated. It is FUN to feel that way, no matter how much of a boot to the head it feels like.

Why do men treat me like their friend, not as a woman? I wonder about this sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I like my male friends and appreciate that they treat me this way. I'm just focusing on why do men I find attractive always end up being a friendly acquaintance, rather than having a date or two? I guess I feel the need to know someone a little more before I date them, this is something I was trying to change by giving THE BOY my number. I've always been a bit of a tom-boy. Some seems to think I'm a lesbian, however that is not even close to the truth. I do believe in gay rights, I'm just straight. I am attracted to the opposite sex. It doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else. Because I've always been the tom-boy, boys have always felt comfortable talking to me. And they talk to me about everything, including the girls that they'd like to date. They ask for advice, almost knowing that I'm a female, but ignoring it because I can be just like one of the guys (who happens to have boobs and an inside track on the female head). I played sports in elementary school and always tried hard in Phy Ed. I was actually usually picked before the other guys to be on a team. (I think the boys were afraid to have me on the opposition - I played rough, okay? Sue me.)

I guess I just know that I'm typically seen as: 1) one of the guys or 2) a rack. When I get seen as something else, or when I perceive that a man sees me as something else, I get excited. I feel special. I don't mind being one of the guys, I just think it's lonely. Not that I need a man, I'd just like to date one. That's not asking for too much, is it?

Sorry for the depressing post. I didn't mean to be depressing. I'm actually trying to say that I don't really care if THE BOY calls or not, I had fun feeling special. I'd still like him to call, I haven't given up completely, but if he does, I think I'm going to ask him if he's special (and I'm not talking about being gifted here). Slow might be a good word for it too.

And if he doesn't call, I don't know how I'll react at karaoke the next time I see him. I'll probably be pissy and try to kick him in the head (not really because I don't want to end up in jail - but I'll be mean and say something I know I'll regret).

But I do look at giving him my number this way: the only regrets I have in life are the things I did not do. I regret never telling Charlie or Andriy how I felt. I regret not keeping in touch with certain people. I regret sitting by the sidelines.

It's funny, my best friend in high school had an avid dating life. She has told me that she wishes she had done some things differently and wished she had been as reserved as I was. I wish I had followed her lead a little and lived a bit. The grass is always greener on the other side.

3 Comments:

At 7:50 AM, The Lioness thought...

"I'd much rather go out with a guy who was EXCITED to talk to me." YES.

"I don't feel rejected, mind you. I really don't. I did have some hopes (and I still harbor a couple of them) for getting to know THE BOY, but it really hasn't gone that far. I gave the guy my phone number. And he flirted with me (A LOT by the way). So what, right? Maybe it's just practice for something bigger and better." RIGHT ON, sistah!

Yes, i understand what you are saying, have felt a lot of the same as well, am now feeling a whole bunch of different things bcs I AM SO FREAKED OUT but this is the thing, we have to take chances don't we, that's how life bloody tests us, i think it was FUCKING BRAVE of you to give him your phone and if he doesn't try to woo you, and capture you, and keep you - wow, TOSSER! major major wanker, yes. Bcs at some point you have to overcome your insecurities and shyness and go bat for what you want, and WHY ISN'T HE MOVING! I hope he has a REALLY good reason, and I hate that he's making you feel like this, no herring for THE BOY! Oh may there be laughter and the end of it all.

At 10:38 PM, Matt thought...

I think that the way you are handling this is just fantastic and wonderful Little Sister. You are an amazing person, one of the best I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and getting to know, and if THE BOY is being slow about this, I think it may mean that he has sensed the same things that we all know. Or it could mean that he is slow in expressing himself, I am still not sure about that. I agree with the Lioness on how he is a wanker if he does not call, or at least give you a good enough reason why he didn't call (combine ripping his arms off, and missing them when he shows at karoke would suffice) and that TOSSER if he doesn't call. You were brave in what you did, you truly were. I was proud to be there and witness it for myself when you did it, it was truly magical.

I would like to say that I feel especially privilaged to be a part of another group (can one person be considered a group?) of classification amongst the way you are perceived. I am in a group of people that know you as their Little Sister. That is a magical and wonderful group to be in, we are in a group that makes up a family. So for that I would like to say thank you for always being there, and thank you for letting me get to know you as well as I do.

I will talk to you later, hope everything is good for you.
Later,
Your Big Brother,
Matt

At 8:47 AM, CarpeDM thought...

Sometimes I'm sorry I moved to days. I miss when we used to hang out together almost every night, playing cards and everything. Or chillin' in the parking ramp. I just used the word chillin' in a sentence. How odd.

I really hope that the boy (lower case letters for him now) has a good reason for not calling. Tosser indeed.