Who names their child after a musical instrument?

As promised, I am now posting the letter my dad's cousin sent this year for Christmas. She sends a letter similar to this each year. Each year, our family sits around, reading the "update" she gives, trying to understand these people that we never see. I haven't seen my dad's cousin since I was 13, so it is odd to hear about certain details.

Just a note, I changed the names. The child's name is closer to what her real name is than I want, but it's just too funny. The author of the letter is my dad's cousin, whom I will call Janet. Her husband is Rich. My own thoughts are in italics. Finally, I do appreciate Christmas letters, it's just this one that I find so humorous each year.

"Christmas is right around the corner and we are certainly in the hustle and bustle mode. The tree is decorated and music fills the air with a variety of Christmas favorites. I'm glad they're not just listening to Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer over and over. It's a variety!

Mandolin is 12 1/2 and in 7th grade at Vacuum Middle School. She is in the Symphony orchestra and was chosen to participate in the Chamber orchestra which is a small group of 6th, 7th and 8th graders. They performed concerts at a couple of the retirement centers during the holiday season. Mandolin is also one of just a few 7th graders from Vacuum chosen from the Midwest to perform in a Children's choir. The concert is April 1, 2005 in [insert city here]. Are we invited or something? Hey, I haven't seen you for your entire life, can I come to hear a bunch of children sing in another state? I'm sorry, I already went to the mall and heard some other random kids sing. In early September, a cute little stray kitten wandered to our house. Mandolin named her Mandy. This is the point I turned to my mom, hey, do you want to write them back and tell them you found a random stray cat and considered naming it Goddammit? (Mom did end up naming the kitten Smoke. She also had it neutered but decided against declawing the kitten. She didn't like that idea.) Mandolin enjoys hanging out with friends, with a name like Mandolin, do they all think she can play a Spanish Tune?, shopping and playing her violin. She also enjoys playing with Mandy. During the summer, Mandolin helped Mom and Dad on the farm with sweet corn and Farmer's Market. Mandolin and Janet even made the front page of the Courier as they busily assisted customers buying sweet corn. Oh, great, now she's referring to herself in third person. Joy!

Janet has completed her 22nd year at Vehicle Mortgage Company. As a Client Relation's advocate, she deals with Customer problems/complaints on a daily basis. Yes, she capitalized the word customer. This is just wrong. Here's the thing, dealing with customer problems or complaints on a daily basis sounds like she's a phone representative. Can someone really do that job for 22 years?!? The job keeps her quite busy. Well, I guess that's why the company pays her. The green house was up and running February with various types of hanging flower baskets and perennials. By May, Farmer's Market filled whatever spare time Janet thought she might have had. We had a good market season which was cut somewhat short as Rich encountered some heart difficulties during planting season which landed him in the hospital on more than 2 occasions. Was it 3 occasions? Our family was a little stunned at the casual nature of stating, "My husband had a heart attack." This seems like it should be bigger news. He now is equipped with 3 stents in his main artery, 3 stents in his left artery and had balloon angioplasty to open the lower artery. This is going to sound mean, but we're friends right? You won't hate me for this, will you? Oh, hate me if you will, but I really want to scream, "Go Go Gadget Heart!" I know this is wrong. But the guy is okay, healthy now, and I have a warped sense of humor.

Rich continued his world travels in mid-August as a trade representative/negotiator for the US government. He has a government job and has heart problems? I thought those were the jobs they gave to people who didn't actually work. He has traveled to Germany, Singapore, Hong Kong and Brazil as his major ports of call. Side trips have taken him to Thailand, Cambodia and Viet Nam. He is currently responsible for 19 counties. I bolded that because I think she left out an "r". A few too many for one person. He leaves again for Hong Kong the day after Christmas for 14 days.

Luckily Rich was home during pumpkin season. Oh, did he shoot one? I remember when I bagged myself a pumpkin. I tracked it all morning long through the forest. I think the neon orange jacket helped to summon the pumpkin towards me. The moment was quick, but I was prepared. In the heat of the moment, I gently squeazed the trigger on my shot gun and I was right on target. I got it! It was a bit hard to carve, you know, with that whole side missing. But that pumpkin didn't get away from ME! This year was extra special with the birth of our new baby llama, Fabio. What? They have llamas? They live in Iowa. Why do they have llamas? He is a spitting image of him mother, Melinda and provided much enjoyment for all of us. I'm thankful that he's not a spitting image of Mandy. That would be hard to explain to Fabio's father. Also, I am typing exactly what she wrote, hence the bold again. We are expecting baby goats later this winter. Not good timing but they will have a warm place in the greenhouse after they are born. And plenty to eat! Oops, there went next year's Farmer's Market. The weather was a little less than desirable with cool temperatures and rain but we had a successful pumpkin season none the less. Halloween day was beautiful and we spent the day selling pumpkins and tearing down the displays and haunted houses as Rich was off again November 4th.

It doesn't look like we will have a white Christmas this year but the cold weather has finally settled in and it feels like winter. We wish all our friends and families a very Merry Christmas and a safe and healthy New Year in 2005.

Rich, Janet and Mandolin"

I hope you got as much amusement out of the letter as my family did.

6 Comments:

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At 9:00 AM, CarpeDM thought...

"Luckily Rich was home during pumpkin season. Oh, did he shoot one? I remember when I bagged myself a pumpkin. I tracked it all morning long through the forest. I think the neon orange jacket helped to summon the pumpkin towards me. The moment was quick, but I was prepared. In the heat of the moment, I gently squeazed the trigger on my shot gun and I was right on target. I got it! It was a bit hard to carve, you know, with that whole side missing. But that pumpkin didn't get away from ME!"

Oh, my God, you are hilarious. This whole post was great.

Keem and I dropped off pictures today. We are looking forward to Friday/Saturday! See you soon!

At 4:17 PM, srmc thought...

Oh my that is just too funny.

My family will get a letter every year from an old family friend. Her letter always makes her family out to be better than everyone else. We get a good laugh every year. LOL! Then my mom and I discuss how we would have worded our letter back as we never seem to measure up.

At 8:47 PM, Matt thought...

For some reason all I could hear while I was reading this post, which is just excellent by the way, was Bruce Hornsby singing "Mandolin Rain" over and over again.

Ahh yes, the dreaded pumpkin season. They do need to be hunted down and destroyed don't they? No wonder Perkins has that wallpaper up that shows a pumpkin hunt from the Colonial days........tehy are tricky bastards aren't they?

I can't i magine beig a phone banker.....I am sorry phone represenitive for 22 years. I would have gone insane by now....oh wait, I already am.

Loved this post, really did. My question for you is this, what is so weird about having a llama in Iowa? Now if they had mentioned that they have Alpacas, that would be weird. Could you imagine if they mentioned that they are using chinchillas on the farm to help the pumpkin hunt? That would have had me in stitches. Oh well, I guess I can see why the llamas are so weird now.

I will talk to you later Little Sister, have fun moving people at work.

Big Brother

At 7:01 AM, Lala thought...

So what's her real name? Fiddle?

At 2:00 AM, brooksba thought...

Hi Lala,

The name sounds just like mandolin. Actually, think of it as: A Mand"a" lin. That might give a better picture. It's just something we laugh about as a family.

Beth