Saturday, December 11, 2004

The utter agony of being in "really like"

I can't eat. I can't drink Coke. I can't sleep. THIS IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!

And it's still NOT Sunday. My head is playing games with me and I find myself thinking of things I really should not at bad times.

Like when I had a two hour conversation at work with everyone (I was the only member of the management team there) about THE BOY. Is this what other people feel? I'm so ready to hole up in a shack in the woods and become a hermit. I enjoy the feelings, but they scare me to death. It's so against all logic.

I realized tonight that I like a man who:

1. I met in a bar (#1 rule I had for myself)
2. Drinks beer
3. Likes football (which I don't like football but I like watching him watch football)
4. Wears flannel
5. Hangs out with another man who had a mullet
6. I don't know his last name!

I can't believe how much I've thought about him this week. It's making me go batty.

I know so little about him. I don't even know if he has a girlfriend. (I don't think this is the case, but of course, my mind is now looking for ways to avoid getting hurt REALLY BAD.)

I find myself staring at walls, lost in thought. Everywhere I go, people who know me are asking about what happened and what I'm going to do. Not only do I think of him constantly, but everyone makes sure I do by consistently reminding me of him.

I think I'm becoming a psychotic over this whole thing. And that scares me even more.

What's worse? I saw a baby today. Really cute. Probably about 9 months old and in a yellow jumper. This baby was so expressive. She was looking over her mother's shoulder at me at the Chinese restaurant (I got food for my team during my lunch break) and I wanted one. WTF??? I don't want a baby. Babies are not good for Beth's sane, logical world.

There is a Bree Sharp song that I may eventually find the full lyrics for and post. But part of it goes, "I'm living in a cell, made of skin...Show me the way to my heart." Why am I dragging my feet? Is it because I'm so afraid of rejection? Or am I afraid of what happens if the feelings of heavy like are reciprocated? How does one react if the person they are completely lost in thought over tells them that they also lose the streams of thought when they see you? What does one do if that person said, "I don't know what to do either, but I want to see what happens"?

I liked my bubble. Now I feel as if someone is trying to pop it with pins and needles. This is good but terrifying. I'm tetrified. (A word I made up to include terrified and petrified.) I'm not a thrill seeker in life. I love the comfort of my friends and my simple life. Now I feel as if chaos was let loose. It's like a punishment for years of sheltering myself.

In all the posts about dating I've written, I've never quite come out and said how little of my emotions I let the other person know. I can show disgust, that's easy. With Charlie and Andriy (one real name at least), I never told either of them. I think they both knew, but I could never say that I was lifted up just to see them enter a room. And here's a horrible thing. I told Charlie that I loved Andriy and I told Andriy that I loved Charlie. I'm nuts.

I really like THE BOY. I want to see if my feelings could progress beyond like, but that's too big of a step to consider right now. The logical part of my brain keeps me back. But then I still shut down my thought processes enough to seem like a complete wacko when he's around. What must he think of me? What does he know about me? Here's a list:

1. I talk about enemas.
2. I play a card game called Sheepshead.
3. I sing songs at karaoke.
4. I point at empty chairs talking about my friends (you know, they're invisible right?)
5. I professed the entire bar last week that when I was three I liked the Willie Nelson song, "On the Road Again" because I thought it was about children being run over. (Yes, I have a really, REALLY sick and twisted sense of humor.)
6. I also told someone at karaoke the story of how my nickname at the pool hall was a word used to describe a certain part of the female anatomy. (Long story, maybe I'll share it someday.)
7. I carry around pictures of dead fish heads on my camera.

I am a psycho. Why does he even talk to me? What makes me share these facts with him?

And if he is at karaoke on Sunday and asks me what is new, I'm so afraid that my brain will shut off and I'll say, "My mom found another pussy. It's a little pussy. The little pussy goes with the big pussy she has. She sings songs about tuna to the big pussy." I'm on crack. Well, it goes with Scott's advice to throw some sexual innuendos into the conversation. I think he'll turn heels and run out the door though.

A woman at work tonight asked me to describe this guy that I like. She asked me, "How does he walk?" Why she asked this, I don't know. I do know that I had an answer. I told her, "He strides into a room, confident but not arrogant. He's not afraid to make fun of himself but yet has a way of carrying himself that makes my stomach flip-flop."

I can't handle these emotions at all. I'm so lost and confused and I feel like I'm going to vomit most of the time. This is not good.

Why do people LOOK for this?

"Somebody bring me some water, can't you see I'm burning alive?" Somebody, please, smack me in the head.

What if he has a girlfriend? What if this really hurts? What if...? Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just enjoy this? Why do I feel the need to convince myself that it will never work? Is it a defense mechanism?

I need a lobotomy to remove the analytical part of my head. It's good for business, but not for romance.

Can I control my emotions enough to show interest but not show insanity when he walks in to the bar? I'm so afraid.

You may ask, "Beth, why are you so afraid of chasing him away?" As much as I haven't had successful relationships, I've watched friends go through them over and over. I always watched the relationships with a student's eye. I always wanted to be able to learn from their mistakes, not make them myself. I should have paid more attention to the getting to the first stage, instead of what happened to end the relationships. I've watched as one friend found relationships over and over and watched this friend scare those relationships away, one after another, because of jumping too far, too quick. There are relationships that can go quickly, but sometimes feeding the flame is better than smothering the flame. I don't want to do this. That is one of the reasons that I hold myself back, even if it about kills me.

I need to try and sleep now. Like that will happen. I'm sure I'll be posting tons during the weekend. Thanks for listening again. I appreciate it. I'm sorry to keep going ON and ON about this, I sound like a broken record. I just need to say it. And this seems like a fairly safe forum. If I can't say it here, where could I say it? Thank you again.


At 6:02 AM, CarpeDM said...


Wow. That's about all I can think to say right now. I am just amazed at what you are putting yourself through. It's interesting to realize that I've known you for all of these years and I've not yet recognized how this part of yourself, the logical part, both helps and hinders you.

I'm probably the last person that should ever give someone advice on romance, since I've never had a relationship that's lasted over 6 months. But I can tell you that I understand why it's so hard for you to make a move, to do anything that will open you up to rejection. I've made a few first moves before and sometimes it's worked, other times it has failed miserably. And sometimes, I look back and count my blessings that I was rejected - Cream Puff Man comes to mind.

These feelings that you you have? They are perfectly normal. I know you are worried about driving people crazy with all of your wondering and puzzling and analyzing and all I have to say to you is you've been there for me, you've listened to me when I've gone on and on about people I've had major crushes on. Do the words "He's so cute" ring a bell?

All I can say to you is that the best thing you can do is to try to relax. You are in that first stage of being "in like," the best and worst part. I know it's both awful and wonderful, all at the same time. And you know what? I'm so thrilled for you. I love watching you go through this.

Am I a total bitch? Yeah, a little. But the reason I am loving this is because I've seen you and THE BOY together. I've seen the way he smiles when he sees you. I've witnessed how it is possible for you to talk about enemas and your invisible friend and have him still be totally in to you.

So this may be driving you crazy. But I think the end results are going to be worth it. Even if this isn't a like that surpasses all time and space, it's helped you to come out of the bubble you've trapped yourself in for most of your life.

Just take it slow and get to know each other. Believe me, I'm enjoying watching the two of you explore each other's quirks.

Love you!

At 10:48 AM, The Lioness said...

Oh dahling Beth, you're no psycho, you're adorable, that's why he talks to you. I fully understand and it's both a pleasure and a bit painful to see you like this. You'll never tire us, you'll never bore us, we're always here and gladly so.

And did your email make laugh, you two are an unbeatable duo!