The Curse of the Over-analyzer

I think I just figured out why I never have successful relationships. The theme of this post is not defined per se, but just understand this is what has been going on in my head the last couple of days.

Before I continue, I need to explain what caused this crazy train of thought. Last week at karaoke, THE BOY who I have noticed for the past few months came and spoke to me for two and a half hours. I have acted all giddy all week long (Cute boy, cute boy, cutey cutey cute boy!) and I think I've overreacted. Let me see if I can keep this train of consciousness somewhat coherent to explain why I think I've overreacted.

All week long, I've been goofy and silly and smiley and giggly just because I'm going to meet a guy I barely know at a bar during karaoke. This is hardly what one could consider a date.

Matt and I spoke last night at Perkin's (a local restaurant for those who are not familiar with what Perkin's is) after Keem and Dana left. Some thoughts in my head were able to become tangible strings of words and I mentioned some stuff and found deeper thoughts than CUTE BOY HIT ON ME!

Matt asked me to list things I know about THE BOY.

Here's the list:
1. His name is THE BOY (yes, I know his name, but I'm not prepared to write it down). I don't know his last name.
2. He likes karaoke.
3. He drinks beer.
This is the highlight of the things I knew before last Sunday.
4. He lives in the vicinity of The Chalet. This could be ANYWHERE in the Twin Cities.
5. He is younger than 30.
6. He is a hair stylist and a mechanic.
7. He plays darts.
8. He doesn't like George W Bush.
9. He smells wonderful!
10. He likes The X-Files.
11. He makes fun of Walker, Texas Ranger.
12. He considers himself a little bit of a dork.
13. He smiles a lot. At least he did last Sunday.
14. He has a friend who he plays darts with.
15. He accepts that Dana is the Queen of the Universe.
16. He likes disco. - I'm assuming this since he asked me to sing Funkytown. I obliged.

Note: I have noticed recently how much I speak like an android. This is scary.

17. He talks to his parents and they think he's insane and he thinks they are insane.
18. His truck is not in good shape and I wonder how good of a mechanic he is. =)

Okay, I came up with more now that I was typing it than I did when talking to Matt, but it's still not a very long list. And does, "He smells wonderful" really count?

Now, this is not really a post about THE BOY. It's a post about how I over think EVERYTHING.

Why do I feel the need to have a plan in life? Why do I need to obsess for a week over what shirt I'm going to wear to a bar? Why do I lay awake at night (morning) trying to determine what I would do if X event happened? Why do I think life should follow a flowchart?

Did I mention I'm insane? I'm starting to believe this.

A flowchart?!?!? Argh! This is not something I should be thinking about.

It has been stated before that I am a logical thinker. I make decisions in life by fact, not by impulse. The only times I've been truly impulsive is when I've been drunk (see MEME post below) and even then logic takes over.

Some may find this an odd statement, but I'm extremely shy. Now I need to qualify this statement. Let me revise, I'm extremely shy when I'm near a boy/man I'm interested in physically. I am not one to be attracted to just looks, in fact, looks are usually secondary. I tend to be attracted to scrawny men who look like the definition of a dork. [Bill Gates is an exception to this, I could never look at him like he was a sexy-man.] I've written about Charlie before, the love of my high school life. Charlie was short, quite scrawny (no muscle on that boy what-so-ever), wore glasses, and never had a decent hair style. But he made me laugh. And he would join in intelligent conversations. I use the word love to describe how I felt for Charlie.

I'm not sure if I wrote about J before but I can include him in this section with B (see MEME post below). J and B were both "classically" attractive men/boys. These are the boys all girls see and go, "Ooooh," and think bad thoughts. Both were nice to me and I actually had more interactions physically with them than other men in my life. I use the term lust to describe the feelings I had for them. I did not look at either of them in a way that I could consider lasting relationship material. I looked at both of them as if they were "fun". The interactions with them [see, I am an android, I swear I am] were caused by alcohol and lost inhabitions. The impulsive part of my personality came out when the vodka pushed the logical thoughts to the back burners of my brain and I let physical desires overcome my actions.

I wrote about Alex before. I wrote the previous post about him to cleanse my soul. When I started writing that post, I was still harboring anger and hurt from his actions. There was no need. When I wrote that post, I reminded myself of the good feelings I had in his company and that the turn of events were not within my control. I do still love him. I still think of him often. I still want the best in life for him. I am not letting the fact I love him go away. This does not mean I cannot love another man someday, whenever I happen to find him. Alex showed me so much and showed me that I could love again after Charlie. I don't think of him as the love of my life, just a love of my late teenage years. I think I was talking about dorks, wasn't I? Alex could have been described as a dork. He was tall, lanky, wore Coke bottle glasses, and I think he even had a pocket-protector. Just kidding. He did iron his pants and was the most intelligent man I've ever met (besides my dad). I was attracted to his physical features but I fell in love with his personality, his kind soul, his love of life, and his passion to become a better person. I learned so much from him. He is a hero of mine still. I admire him.

My mom told me as a child, "Find a dork and marry him."

The first man a little girl falls in love with is her father.

I am looking for a man who is my father, but not actually my father, because that is just too weird. Oogie.

I hope you understand what I mean.

Did I mention I'm extremely shy around men I'm attracted to? I think I did. I could handle being myself around Charlie and Alex but I don't know how I did. I knew Charlie for a year before I realized that I felt more than friendship for this guy. Did we ever technically date? No. Why, you ask? Because I was too terrified to admit what I was feeling to him. I know in my heart that he had feelings for me. He hinted at us dating and everyone who knew us back then thought we were a couple. We just never made it official. The problem with never making it official is that it never officially ends. I can't tell you when Charlie and I stopped being an item. I couldn't tell you when we started being an item. I can tell you that I loved him (and I still love the person he was - not the person he is now) and that I consider him my high school sweetheart.

How did I handle myself around Alex? Well, he lived at my house for a month and I was able to interact with him as if we were friends, even when I was just trying to get to know him. The situation of his internship in America forced the relationship to move at an accelerated pace [android again]. I consider Alex a relationship in my life. I know he cared for me.

Did I ever tell either of these loves how I felt? No. Did I ever make a move on my own to tell them how I felt? No. Wait, I take that back. I did write Alex a letter before he left and put it in his suitcase explaining how I felt for him. Then he got sick, I took the letter back out and never gave it to him. This is probably for the better, since it was so sappy thinking of it today makes me gag.

Why have I never told a man how I feel for him (with the exception of being terribly drunk and making out with the boy and accelerating the relationship to the point of being uncomfortable and then running away from it at Mach-9,000)? Because I am scared to death. It's as simple as that.

I have no experience to tell me what the predicted outcome will be and it frightens me. I am scared of looking like a fool in front of a man I like.

Now, those who know me personally understand I can act like a dork, fool, pick a word for it, and may not understand that I can feel so afraid of acting like this in front of a guy I'm attracted to. I dance and sing at work. I sing dumb songs from Musak at Perkin's so the entire restaurant can hear me acting like Eric Cartman from South Park. I have been known to sit at a meeting at work (that I'm leading none-the-less) and clap, sing, and dance while the entire room stares at me in disbelief, thinking, "Oh my, our team lead is the world's strangest person." So why can't I be goofy, silly, and unafraid of making mistake in front of a guy?

I'm going to leave that question for awhile, since I have no answer. Maybe it will come on the next boxcar from this random train from Crazyville, Beth's Brain.

I want someone to tell me, "This man is the one you're supposed to marry and have X.Y kids and buy a house at 123 Mocking Bird Lane (I hope some catch this reference) and grow old with and nothing scary or bad will ever happen." I could get behind that. If someone told me that 'Asking this guy out' would cause 'Guaranteed happiness', I could do it. But life has no guarantees and so I sit on the sidelines and watch it pass me by.

Now, don't think I'm unhappy. I'm not. I don't NEED a man in my life to be happy. I don't NEED romantic love. I WANT to try a relationship sometime.

Side note, as I was writing this, I was thinking, "I'm cold. I'd like to snuggle with a guy for warmth." Then I realized the heat wasn't on and I turned it on. Now I'm not cold.

I am not a "touchy-feely" person. This is part of my upbringing. I've heard my mom say she regrets not being more affectionate with my dad and myself because she thinks we could both use the testing of our comfort bubbles. I consider my lack of physical contact a weakness in my life. I long for contact with people and never make a move to change this. I don't hug my best friends. I don't sit close to people. I actually shrieked when someone touched me at work this last week (yes, it is the banker on our team who had an entire conversation with my unflattering polo shirt one day).

When I was living with Adam, I tried very hard to push myself out of my comfort zone and try and work towards more physical contact with my friends. I'm not good at it. By no means. I only touch people (friends, family) when I have to. I did get to a point where I don't seize up every time someone touches me, but I'm almost right back to where I started. I want to be better at touching people. I feel like I'm missing out on something.

Why did I bring up the touchy-feely thing? Because I think I don't react well to people touching me and people take this as a lack of interest in them. Sometimes this is true, I usually respond to them in the tone I learned from my mother, and I state, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" If I just shift uncomfortably, it usually means I just don't know how to react. My extended family has a culture of little touching. There are the occasional hugs goodbye, but that's it.

This brings me to the fact that I don't know how to flirt. If I ever do flirt, it is completely unconscious. I send off signals that I am not interested in men I am interested in. I don't know how to "flip [my] gd hair" (from Charlie's Angels and Scott).

I'm never going to find that relationship that Dana defines as "The Big Kiss" unless I can get to the part where I actually get to know someone. And I'm attracted to the type of man who would be just as scared as I am to get there. It's a Catch-22.

So what do I do? I'm an optimist and I keep hoping the guy for me is out there and he'll have just enough more courage than I do to make the first move.

This brings me to my next fear. I'm scared to death that when some guy actually makes the first move, I'll leap from my cliff into his arms and scare him away and I'll plummet to the bottom of the ravine. Do I have any basis for this fear? None. But I'm still afraid.

I'm afraid of making a mistake. I don't want to be taken advantage of, I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to disappoint. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to put my friends aside for a relationship. I don't want to give up things in my life (time with my dad, my career, my schooling) just for a little human contact. But I still crave it.

What I am looking for in a man? My ideal man would be:
Smart, funny, kind, and not a mutant.
He would like similar things as I do, i.e. karaoke, playing cards, spending time with friends, learning new things, reading.
What are the beliefs I could not compromise: human rights for all humans. The man for me would have to be open to different cultures, different lifestyles, and be accepting of all my friends.
What actions would be deal-breakers: abuse, cheating, hurting my friends, drug use (illegal drugs). It would also be nice if he lives in the same country as I do. I learned this lesson already.

Does this man exist? I think he does, somewhere. Do I know him already? I have no clue.

I am interested in getting to know THE BOY more and seeing if a relationship is something I'd like to pursue. If I would want to pursue it, I hope he is also interested in pursuing a relationship. Only time will tell.

I have had fun this past week gushing over the fact an attractive man showed interest in me. I made a fool of myself around those who know me (and on this blog too!) and I enjoyed the feeling. The feeling of a crush is fun and if nothing happens, I can live with it.

If THE BOY asks me for my number, I will be honest and give it to him. In being honest, I mean I will explain a couple of things that I can't change right now. The number one of those things is the schedule I keep at work and the hectic nature of my life. I work nights and pretty much have Monday early evenings available. Except those are usually filled too. Working nights may actually make anything that may happen take a slower course and this is a good thing.

So the overall point, for someone with no past I seem to bringing a lot of expectations and a lot of baggage to karaoke on Sunday night. I'm overjoyed with the feeling of possibility and the self-esteem boost of "Cute Boy hit on me!", but I'm thinking this out way too much. I need to relax and I'm hoping I can do this and let life just take me for the ride. I don't need to be in the driver's seat on this one, but I don't need to just sit in the back. I think I want to call Shotgun for my life ride with an option to steer once in awhile.

If you've made it this far, thank you. I know this was a long post (which tends to happen with me) and it wasn't overly amusing. It was the thoughts that I've had in the past couple of days prompted by the one event of a guy sitting next to me in a bar. I do over-analyze things in life. I get excited at first (Captain Kirk) and then the logical (Spock) part of my brain kicks in. I need to stop this, right now. I'm working on that. I can't change a life behavior overnight, I can only make small steps to breaking free of this curse.

7 Comments:

At 9:35 AM, Firebear said...

Just to let you know, this post proves with out a doubt that you are not an android or a vulcan.Ahhhhhh! Where to start!
Successful relationships. 99% of all my relationships have been unsuccessful. I've gone through a lot of feelings from being shy and unsure to running head first at Mach 9000. I have had my heart torn out and I have torn out a couple hearts. I do not beleave any of the tearing was down on purpose. Its just part of the chance you take with any relationship.
It is worth it though, for that chance to feel goofy and silly and smiley and giggly.

I am not going to say the cliche' "oh you will find the man of your dreams." Even if it is true, we've all heard it a million times. Maybe the right man is not someone you are shy to be around. Maybe it will be someone who makes you shake in your boots. Someone you know, someone you don't know.

Would this be easier if they taught it in high school? Or maybe junior high school?

"What's your class schedule today? Let's see. 1st period math, 2nd lit, 3rd, oh man, I got falling in love, is old lady Gramme teaching that this year!?"

I would have skipped that class anyway, how boring, someone telling me how to fall in love. I would hate to be the teacher doing that class. Imagine the text book!

I'm not an expert, no one is. My friends used to say, if there is a crazy woman out there, Larry will find her and date her. I have dated young, old, big, small, I've date professionals, I've dated clerks.I went on a couple dates with a playboy centerfold. I'm not bragging, I'm saying it did not matter who I dated, I was always the hope for something more. Who ever I was with at the time was who I had hope for being the one. I had terrible times, and I had great times.

ug! I feel like I am rambling. Guess I am saying, over analyze if you must. It is ok. It is ok to be scared, frightened, gleeful, worried, horning, pariniod, and any of those millions of emotions. You are not Spock. Stop trying to convince yourself you are.

Too keep this from much longer, I will makes a couple quick comments.

The Munsters.
Her name is Beth also.
I have a recurring nightmare that I am in the back seat of a car with no one driving.
Cute boy is an idiot if he doesn't make some type of move.
Love your group, but remember adding a romantic interest person into your life, almost always effects your friends.
Working nights sounds like an excuse to not get close.
When you find someone like and you don't care about looking like a fool, you may have something there.

Take care out there! I know I've done a mini-blog here for you, but your post seems to warrant it. I am pleased to have meet you and everyone else involved with this group. Thank you. I am better for having met you!

Now go have some damn fun!

At 5:10 PM, The Lioness said...

I'm laughing already bcs I was going to start by writing "Oof, where to start" but F. beat me to it.

Oof, where to start...

1) Smell counts LOADS!!! (http://evolution.massey.ac.nz/lecture5/scent.htm)

2)"Why do I feel the need to have a plan in life?" Well, bcs if you are in control you can make sure no bad things happen to you. Sadly, not so, but who can blame one for trying...

3)"Did I mention I'm extremely shy around men I'm attracted to? " Who isn't? I think most people are. For me, i'm grateful I wan't born a man, or I wouldn't even have kissed anyone! Thank God I live in a country where men still have to take the 1st step.

4)"I have no experience to tell me what the predicted outcome will be and it frightens me. I am scared of looking like a fool in front of a man I like." No one ever knows what the outcome will be, and that may just be a good thing. As for the fool part, life provides us with plenty of that, and the ONE thing I've really learned so far is that, whatever happens, it's never as bad as what you feared. Besides, everyone else is equally terrified, so chances are men who fancy you are scared of looking like a fool in front of you.

5)"I'm scared to death that when some guy actually makes the first move, I'll leap from my cliff into his arms and scare him away and I'll plummet to the bottom of the ravine." If he is scared by a Beth falling into his lap, as it were, he isn't worth much, is he. Godspeed. Why must it be a ravine? Make that an anthill. What's so scary abt jumping off an anthill? Step onto your chair right now. I'm serious, do it. Can you still read me? Good. Now JUMP! There you go. See? No harm done. Don't make a ravine out of a poor chair.

6)"So why can't I be goofy, silly, and unafraid of making mistake in front of a guy?" Bcs, unlike what you seem to believe in your droid-infested moments, YOU'RE FREAKING HUMAN! Good news is, guys feel that way too. So multiply your fear by 10 and have some empathy because the burden of initiating something lays with them.

7)"But life has no guarantees and so I sit on the sidelines and watch it pass me by." Darling Beth, that is indeed your choice and right, but it seems like such a pity. There are indeed no guarantees - but see, look at Firebear. Remember his post? Everyone could have that, but it takes a plunge. You get to choose whether to dive and see the pretty underwater creatures or to float with the foam.

8)I wasn't impressed w the heater. The heater cannot laugh with you, cannot fight w you, cannnot make up w you, cannot make your knees go weak, cannot make you smile or have a pillow fight with you.

9) There are countless people with lives far more complicated than yours who have relationships and families, and who make it work. So all the doubts you state, and all the fears you have, are just - and forgive me - one big cop out. A good relationship doesn't make you give up things. It adds things to your life, good ones. It really, REALLY does.

10) Well, if I ever meet you, or if youy ever come visit, I'll get you into the touching bit. We're VERY touchy-touchy, we kiss everyone twice when arriving and exiting (gets to be too much in a room filled w people, I can tell you), we hug, we rub shoulders. It's fun, it's lovely.

And, dearest Beth, why EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO HIM??? Trying to scare him already bfr it even started? Be fair. You are allowed to do whatever you want w your life, AS LONG as you're being honest w yourself. It really sounds as though you've decided it's never going to work w THE BOY. If you do give him your number, give him your number AND SMILE, it's up to him to get the details of your life. (You can try to control YOUR life but let the poor guy have a shot w his!)

Bottom line: woman, do yourself a favour, stop analysing, stop over-analysing and just ENJOY the fluttery wings in your tummy. STOP THE SELF-BOYCOTT! And that's an order. (I hope I didn't offend or hurt you in any way, seriously, apologies if I did)

Oh, almost forgot: you are now to feel hugged really, really tight and cheek-kissed in the loudest, most old-lady-y manner. I may also mess up your hair, just for the fun of it.

At 7:14 PM, Matt said...

Dearest Little Sister,
First of all I need to say a thank you, a big hearty thank you, to Firebear and The Lioness. You are two of the most amazing people that I have ever met. You took the time to share with my Little Sister some very moving and touching comments. I have also been in the group that Firebear is a part of, and I really do agree with him. Taking the steps is exhilirating, and sometimes scary, but the feeling you get while going through the process, it is worth it.

Now for you, dear sweet Beth, you have been next to me through one of the absolute worst moments of my life. You stuck by me, you never faltered, in fact because of that you and I have become much closer than we ever could have been. So you know of the worst choice of women I could have made, but you never left. I want you to know that I am not going anywhere, ever, period. I know that you knew that, but I had to let the world know it as well. You are no next to me as I am in the best relationship I have ever been in, and you show your amazingness by staying right there and not judging, because it is a relationship that some consider "inappropriate". I have to thank you very much for that.

Beth you have so much to share with the world, Firebear and The Lioness pegged it perfectally, and they have not been in the room with you to see how your smile can brighten the darksest of places. They have not been there to see your eyes light up when you are happy, and they are not there to see how infectious your laugh can be when you are really giddy, or as you say "goofy". I am happier each day because I know you, and I am proud to say that you are my Little Sister. I know that you will find the person that fills your life with the indescribable feeling of joy and happiness that they will bring to you. He is out there, I know it.

As for The Boy-I have already told you what I think of him, and that is based off of very little information, I am glad that he took the initiative to talk to you. What ever becomes of him, you can say that you at least this week of giddiness, because he took that initiative. And wasn't it a great week? I should be there tongiht, it all depends on certain things around here, but I hope to make it tonight.

Love,
Matt-your Big Brother

At 8:24 PM, brooksba said...

Wow.

Okay, I'm trying to write my thanks and thoughts as clearly as possible.

Firebear -

I would have laughed like a loon in high school if there was Dating 101, Falling in Love 102, etc. Maybe that's what high school was anyway. =)

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words and I smiled. I'm so glad you shared your wife's name! =)

I'm taking this slow and I appreciate you reading my crazy thoughts that I tried to ground myself with. I don't want to go overboard.

Lioness -

About comment #5 and the jumping from the cliff. I am afraid of this, although maybe I wasn't as clear as I should have been. I am not afraid of falling, I'm afraid of jumping too fast and scaring the crap out of a guy I'm interested in. Mainly, I'm afraid of chasing someone away. I can't go too much further into this topic without getting myself into trouble, but I do appreciate the words of encouragement. They mean a lot to me.

Please don't hate the heater. It was meant to be funny and a laugh at myself for not turning on the heat in Minnesota.

I am going to try and take your advice and not explain anything to him. If he wants to know my work schedule, I'll tell him. I do use the schedule as an excuse, but it is also something that changes my life. I'm a solitary person mainly because I end up on a different life schedule than most people. The option to change this may be coming soon and not something I'm completely opposed to. (I do like the extra cash I get for working second shift though.)

I thank you for reading my craziness. I was trying to clear my head a little before I lunged at THE BOY when he walks into karaoke tonight. I'm not sure he's appreciate a tackle. =)

Thank you for the hug and kisses!

Big Brother -

I hope you can make it tonight. I really do because I MISS YOU AT KARAOKE!

I'm so happy for the relationship you finally found. Scott is perfect for you. I love that you were able to take the plunge and find him. You deserve all the love.

You have been there for me when I've been at my worst. I don't tell you often enough how much our evenings have meant to me. Thank you.

It kind of sucks what we each had to go through to become as close as we are, but I'm glad we're this close. I never had a real brother and you are truly mine.

To everyone, I'm not walking into karaoke with too many hopes tonight. I'm just trying to explain why my thought process is something I need to change. This I understand. I need to be less logical and more impulsive. I'm working on it. I'm going to go have fun at karaoke now!

Beth

At 10:42 PM, The Lioness said...

I'm here not-sleeping and rooting for you. Regardless of the outcome, I hope you enjoyed yourself.

#5 - I realised that, hence the Godspeed. And, Dahling Beth, you do end up on a different life schedule than most people. Have you asked yourself why?

Kisses and hugs (this will now be a permanent fixture!)

At 8:33 AM, CarpeDM said...

This is something I thought of this morning, as I was lying in bed, trying to fall asleep and not having much luck (but I had a good time last night so it's cool).

Anyway, you know how you refer to yourself as an android? You know how I'm not a big fan of Spock since he's always harshing the buzz? Well, it may surprise you to know that on Star Trek TNG (The Next Generation to you non-Trekkies), one of my favorite characters was Wes (Ha! Fooled you! You thought I was going to say Data!) because he was young and oh-so-yummy.

Sorry, good TNG memories coming back. Actually, yes, I was extremely fond of Data. There was something about the fact that he was trying so hard to experience everything that humans felt, trying so hard to get it right, trying too hard. And then he went and got that emotion chip and his evil brother showed up and Wes left (sorry, still on the Wes kick. I'll stop that now) and then there was the Borg queen and I'm rambling now, aren't I?

So, if you are an android, which I certainly don't think you are, you are more like Data than any other android. Maybe you just need to make a few adjustments on the emotion chip and turn the logic circuits down a notch.

I know this comment doesn't make a lot of sense but I'm really, really tired and thinking about how logic makes my head hurt. So anyway, I'll sign off now with a simple little thought - stop harshing your buzz, dammit! Make it so!

At 8:48 PM, brooksba said...

Lioness,

I don't know if you go back and check the comments again, but I just read the article that you gave me the link for.

Wow! That was really cool. I now believe that smell really counts.

(And I noticed that the smell he gave off is similar to a couple of other boys from the past. Ahhh. Happy thoughts.)

Beth!